My grief has felt very heavy these past two days, and today I felt my hope was hanging on by a very thin piece of thread.
It's been such an emotional roller coaster and I was unsure how much more I would be able to bear. I found myself praying a simple, desperate prayer "Lord, help." "Please help."
I do not like feeling this heavy, it can be terribly exhausting. I started to think that I had so much hope when Lilly was here even while I accepted the reality of her having anencephaly, that how could I be so close to losing hope now?
And it was not hope towards anything in particular it was more so just in regards to missing her and not being able to grasp the joy that she brought and still brings. I felt lost in a fog of disappointment and I am not used to nor do I enjoy feeling this way so I struggle to bear it, and it usually doesn't last this long nor hit this hard. It was a bit overwhelming.
I have felt a lack of motivation in getting the ornaments on our tree. We have a tradition on my husband's side where his parents give each family member an ornament each year for Christmas and those ornaments go on our tree every year. They did get us an ornament last year that was one you personalize and it has six spots, so I wrote down all our names. It's a nice keepsake to have.
While I was admiring our collection it saddened me to think Lilly will not be collecting anymore ornaments like the rest of us. So I was thinking last night of making or buying Lilly an ornament each year and am mixing it with Alanna's suggestion and having the kids help us decorate or pick one out every Christmas. I look forward to adding this new tradition that will in a way keep Lilly a part of this special Christmas tradition. I feel it will be a great way to honor her and keep her with us in what limited ways we can.
I have struggled with the unfairness of it all and had some selfish thoughts. I don't think I have really explored that emotion in a long while. Eventually a peace fell over me and my spirit calmed and I was once again reminded that only God can see the bigger picture when I can not or am unwilling to. I may not ever know or understand which I am sure will bring on heavy frustration at times, but that is where faith and trust play a BIG part. I am asked to follow blindly, so I will. And when I find it difficult to, its ok that I feel this way as long as I keep coming back to this realization.
I also struggled with the fear that people have forgotten Lilly and that did not help matters.
So yesterday I confided this to a coworker who said Lilly will always be remembered and told me how she still carries a prayer card from Lilly's funeral service in her car. She went on to say that she will never be forgotten and reminded me that Lilly accomplished so much in such a little time, more than probably most people have or will do in their lifetime.
There are those close to me who I feel blatantly forget Lilly and it hurts, but I also was given a better perspective by this same coworker. I need to focus on the ones that choose to remember her with me. It is sad that there are those that refuse to, but it is their loss to not treat her like she was a human being and sweep her under the rug as if she never existed. I feel Lilly deserves better than that.
Yes it hurts at times to remember her when I can not reach out and touch her, but I feel trying to forget her would hurt more. I am going to hurt either way and I choose to hurt while remembering Lilly.
Later that evening, Lilly's older sister and I were spending some time together and we were putting stickers on the pictures we had colored. She said "mommy choose a sticker, please." And as I looked over the stickers I saw one was a small yellow butterfly! I felt that Lilly was peeking at us and letting us know she was doing so. I haven't seen a lot of signs like that in a good while.
And today I picked up a package that contained our oldest daughter's present and the doll had a tag stating her name lady stillwaiting and she was sewn on Feb 26th (Lilly was born in Feb and she is our 4th child, the 26th was her fourth day alive and the number 4 carries great significance on my side of the family) and her personality description was HOPEFUL!
It helped me to start feeling excited about Christmas and reminded me that though it may seem long and bleak, there is always light at the end of the tunnel.