tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57297484896881892512024-03-12T19:25:14.803-04:00Our Miracle Lilly ElizabethAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07194853103053771968noreply@blogger.comBlogger116125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729748489688189251.post-36982777339634981302019-01-07T22:22:00.001-05:002019-01-07T22:41:11.614-05:00Still Moving Forward<p dir="ltr">Those closest to me know how much I've grown in the last year.  I appreciate each and every one of you for being there to help me grow and to allow me to do <u>so</u> in my own way. </p>
<p dir="ltr">After Lilly died I took off her birthday and her angel day every year. This past year I did not take her angel day off and though I had a few moments I have been blessed with a supervisor who allowed me to have my moments and allowed me the freedom to have them and to step away when I needed to. This coming year I have decided not to take any time off for either days. I feel that is where I am at and that <u>may</u> change from year to year especially on the milestone years. </p>
<p dir="ltr">  Lilly's birthday will always be a happy one for me. She was never given more than a few minutes if any to live and she lived the whole day and then some. No matter how sad I feel in missing out on celebrating her birthday with her that thought never escapes me. </p>
<p dir="ltr">  Her angel day is a little harder for me and a few days later which is relived every year whether I mean for it to happen or not. That's the thing with losing someone so close to you is you never get over missing them. Time keeps you busy but you never forget, and there is nothing wrong with that. </p>
<p dir="ltr">  The pain reminds me that she was physically here, that she existed. </p>
<p dir="ltr">  I had a close friend point out that losing Lilly changed me and that's ok. I never realized how much until she pointed it out and I am so grateful that she was brave enough to be honest with me. </p>
<p dir="ltr">    I joined a small group at church and met some amazing women (you know who you are no question). God has definitely had a great plan for me, one I could not have ever imagine for myself. These women help me feel like myself and they help give me strength and I feel good in their company and am so grateful God has brought them into my lives. </p>
<p dir="ltr">  The study we did was on the book by Hosanna Poetry called Superadded.  It was on abundance letting God superadd that into our lives and how we go about accomplishing and allowing that into our daily lives.  And though it is still very much a struggle to allow all that He has been throwing at me lately, I am humbled and amazed at <u>what</u> He is doing in my life. </p>
<p dir="ltr">  Friends old and new, family I was born into and met and acquired along the way I am so grateful for. I feel I've been given a support system here that I never knew I would have (you all know who you are as well) including myself. I have found myself again after feeling lost with knowing who I used to be and who I am now. </p>
<p dir="ltr">   I am nowhere near finished as I will continue to grow. I just want to make her proud and I want to continue to strive to live my life in abundance to honor her memory. </p>
<p dir="ltr">   I've come a long way and yet have more rough roads to travel. I've been so busy to not take time to take care of this blog I started so many years ago and I feel I need to update and come back to it. </p>
<p dir="ltr">    Some days it will be heavier than others, that is when I will lean on those that love me and allow me to miss her without judgement. </p>
<p dir="ltr">   All this being said, while I continue this new chapter in my life, I will do <u>so</u> while at the same time never forgetting our beautiful Lilly Elizabeth. She will forever be a part of me, that will never change. The joy in having her will always exist with the pain of losing her. That is and forever will be how I continue to move forward living without her.</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07194853103053771968noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729748489688189251.post-85284655618795459252017-04-19T22:00:00.001-04:002017-04-19T22:00:43.862-04:00Back to Hope<p dir="ltr">    I do not want to "use" my daughter's death as an excuse for bad behavior.  I've had hard years and those of you close to me know how hard those years were. Those of you living this same journey know first hand how hard outliving a child can be. </p>
<p dir="ltr">     I've been sensitive to things that normally would not have affected me at all and have not acted gracefully, with kindness nor compassion or understanding.</p>
<p dir="ltr">    I would like to thank those who have put up with my moods during the harder times I am sure it was not an easy task.  Thank you for showing me kindness and compassion when I so obviously did not deserve it.  Words can not convey how much it means to me. </p>
<p dir="ltr">    The first year after she passed away was the way I wish all of them to be.  There was a peace if you will that first year of living without Lilly, and I miss that.   </p>
<p dir="ltr">    I thought maybe blogging like I did then might help as over the years I have stepped away from it.  Perhaps it is time to return to blogging my feelings.</p>
<p dir="ltr">    I never wanted this blog I started for Lilly to be a place of negativity but honestly I am outliving a child,  how can there not be that.  However,  I do want it to be a space where I can use it to help build back up the hope I once felt even in the midst of her death. </p>
<p dir="ltr">    I will always feel pain, I will always miss her until the day I die.  I must accept that He did not take me instead of her for some reason I may never be meant to understand. All I know is this is the journey my life is on and I must make the best of even this.  Not in spite of her death, but in hopes to honor her short but beautiful existence. </p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07194853103053771968noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729748489688189251.post-91506056220537463152017-04-15T21:32:00.001-04:002017-04-15T21:35:13.778-04:00Always <p dir="ltr">If anyone wants to make my life miserable trust me outliving a child does that.  So please know that no matter how happy I may appear there will always be sadness in my heart.   </p>
<p dir="ltr">Easter is the one holiday I did not get with Lilly. Though I am grateful for the ones I did get  it does not make the ones I did not spend with her, with all of us together, any easier. </p>
<p dir="ltr">If you want to cause me pain or heartache please know it exists in my everyday life. I live two sides of a coin everyday. Why ask me to live with more?</p>
<p dir="ltr">  I do not wish this on even my worst enemy and though I hide it well it is hard to live with at times.   </p>
<p dir="ltr">I would not trade having her for living without the pain.  As I have said several times before, the pain reminds me she was here.  </p>
<p dir="ltr">I will always wish I took her place, but that was not His plan.   I will always cry, always wonder, always talk about her.   </p>
<p dir="ltr">So please if you are wanting to hurt me please know I do hurt everyday.   I do not wish this pain on anyone and I do know how to feel joy through this sadness but there is always pain in missing her. </p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07194853103053771968noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729748489688189251.post-63053778489979482972016-02-28T17:47:00.001-05:002016-02-28T17:47:14.763-05:00Our Sixth Angel Day <p dir="ltr">It has been six years to the day that we said goodbye to Lilly. It has been a journey filled with highs and lows with me being at my best and me being at my worst. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Everything I have learned along the way I know has a purpose has a meaning. I may not be able to see it in the moment but I know I will in the future. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I had forgotten to trust and not resist His plan for me as a dear friend Sheila once taught me. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Lilly loved unconditionally and I aspire to live my life loving without condition just as she showed me and where I am not able to I am at least working on being kind. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Everyone deserves kindness in their life. You never know what journey anyone is walking. What they are going through and I feel the world needs a lot more kindness. I have seen such a lack of it myself included and I want to work on eradicating that from my life.  </p>
<p dir="ltr">Mother Teresa had a saying that I love to aspire to follow.  She said :   </p>
<p dir="ltr">People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered; <br>
Forgive them anyway.</p>
<p dir="ltr">If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; <br>
Be kind anyway.</p>
<p dir="ltr">If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;<br>
Succeed anyway.</p>
<p dir="ltr">If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;<br>
Be honest and frank anyway.</p>
<p dir="ltr">What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;<br>
Build anyway.</p>
<p dir="ltr">If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;<br>
Be happy anyway.</p>
<p dir="ltr">The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;<br>
Do good anyway.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;<br>
Give the world the best you've got anyway.</p>
<p dir="ltr">You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;<br>
It was never between you and them anyway</p>
<p dir="ltr">Missing her, that will never change so to the people in my life who respect my journey and know I do not blog or talk about her for attention, and who know I am grateful for the living children I have here with me. You all are more appreciated than there are words to express and you all each know who you are. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Thank you for everything! For your love and constant support. For not judging me or my journey. It means more you know and I could ever hope to express. ♡♡♡♡</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07194853103053771968noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729748489688189251.post-31397654607198669262016-02-10T21:48:00.001-05:002016-02-10T21:49:31.972-05:00I will never be 100% happy and that is OK <p dir="ltr">For those of you who think I am on some high horse or I think I am better than anyone. I am not. I know that I am far from perfect. That my life is far from perfect. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I love my life and would not trade it for the world but I will always miss one of my children and be sad that I don't get to hug her when she cries or read bedtime stories to her or hug her and Hold on to her wishing she would stay little. I will always wish she could have just stayed. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Don't get me wrong I am not bitter that I don't have her for I would never trade being her mother. Just know that I don't think I am perfect. I don't think I am better than you. I know that I am far from it and all that I try to do is be worthy to be my children's mother everyday. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I hurt more than I will ever let anyone know because I want others to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy. It's a great amazing feeling. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I know what it feels like to hurt so please know I would never intentionally hurt anyone but I do have to protect my own heart for its been through a lot.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I am human. I do get sad and that is ok. </p>
<p dir="ltr">For those of you who think I use losing my daughter to get attention that's ok too. I hope you never have to understand how so untrue that is. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I miss her every day and that will never change but I live my life so that I might honor her. I want all my children to be proud to call me their mom and not because I am "better" than someone else's mother but because I am better than the me I was the day before. </p>
<p dir="ltr">♡♡♡♡♡</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07194853103053771968noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729748489688189251.post-33582098134463461182015-12-27T16:51:00.001-05:002015-12-27T16:51:47.619-05:002015<p dir="ltr">This year has been a hard one for me.  Year five without Lilly had a lot of ups and downs.  For those of you who have been there for me this year and always, you know who you are and how much you mean to me. If you even think you are one of them please do not doubt it.  This is not meant to make those who have no idea what is going on in my life feel less important. I am sure your time will come to be there for me or someone else. Perhaps you have already been there for a dear friend.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I had almost forgotten all the lessons I learned in the little time Lilly was with us here on earth.  She taught me unconditional love. She welcomed everyone who came to see her without complaint despite the circumstances life handed her. She emanated pure love. </p>
<p dir="ltr">She inspired me to do the same.  </p>
<p dir="ltr">So despite the harshness this year has brought my heart I can see the joy through the sorrows and am grateful for it. I am not going to lie it has been hard, but I know the joy exists and will always be there no matter how hard it is to see. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I have to hold on to the joys in life because that is what helps me get through the sorrows. She gave me joy to help me remember how to get through the hard times without her.   </p>
<p dir="ltr">I also was reminded this year that my faith can get me through anything I just need not forget to turn to it .</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07194853103053771968noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729748489688189251.post-69011136754163208102015-08-19T07:35:00.001-04:002015-08-19T07:42:39.199-04:00Kindergarten<p dir="ltr">She would have started school today. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I can see how by my mentioning this to people, they may think I am taking away from her siblings milestones. If you truly know my heart you know that to be untrue. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Because they are alive does not mean her life, though brief, meant any less.  Because she is dead does not make my living children's milestones less important. If anything it makes their milestones that much more meaningful.  </p>
<p dir="ltr">I miss her so much I can't even breathe. I am sad she is missing out. I know some would say she is having a ball where she is. To be honest that doesn't help me even if I know it or feel it. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I have not been as loud about my grief as I used to be. It seems I am now seeing just how much people do not want to talk about infant death.  I understand I do.  Which is why I talk to the ones who are comfortable and supportive enough to hear me out so thank you for that you do more than you know. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Kindergarten is a milestone she will never experience and today I just want to feel the sadness that this brings. </p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07194853103053771968noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729748489688189251.post-10189410164825353652015-07-29T08:06:00.001-04:002015-07-29T08:24:52.503-04:00Missing her <p dir="ltr"><u>It</u> was 5 years this February since we said goodbye to our youngest child.  It feels so close to that time yet so far away. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I still feel I am applying all that she taught me in my everyday life about compassion, love, kindness especially in the face of harshness or even when it is not reciprocated. It doesn't have to be though, for that is not the point. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I've been through hell and back missing her but today I am in a good place with missing her. Yes it hurts, it will always hurt. Some days will always be better than others and today is one of those "better" than others day.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Some may say move on and I am moving ... But forward not on.  For I can and never will move on.  Again for me moving on means forgetting her and that is something I will not choose to do. I feel I am doing the best that I can.</p>
<p dir="ltr">To those who do not understand, that is completely fine I am not asking you to.  </p>
<p dir="ltr">To those I may make uncomfortable on the days that are not "better" than others I understand where you are coming from. Just know that I am still me just a little sad that day. </p>
<p dir="ltr">To those who have been there by my side and have supported me it helps more than you think it does. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I have not really felt I was able to fully feel the weight of her five year anniversaries.  Then again I won't ever fully feel any specific way about her being gone. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Losing a child is not a pain I wish on my worst enemy (if I had one).  It is a pain beyond all measure. No wise words could even come close to describing it. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Some days I feel so far from her it is hard to fully visualize the few memories we have of her. It pains me to say <u>some</u> days those memories are just too painful to visualize and I can not even begin to <u>try</u> and stop the tears.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Today though, today I feel the positivity, love, and peace that I always want to hold onto. </p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07194853103053771968noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729748489688189251.post-34477875304520775642015-01-15T08:58:00.001-05:002015-01-15T08:58:49.070-05:00Feeling close to her <p dir="ltr">I feel like enjoying every moment. Dancing, laughing, living.  Lately I have felt like I am just existing; going through the motions of life's everyday routine. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Not today. This morning I have laughed and danced as often as I can. This feeling reminds me of when Lilly was here and the happiness and joy I felt despite the sadness that of course is going to ride along side my joy til the end of my life. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I like days like today and want to hold onto them forever.  They are where I want to be. Days like today make me feel close to her.  <br><br></p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07194853103053771968noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729748489688189251.post-67522688004009572242014-12-08T09:10:00.001-05:002014-12-08T09:10:45.882-05:00Always will<p dir="ltr">I am always going to miss her. Its always going to hurt. </p>
<p dir="ltr">As much happiness and joy in this life I will always have a hint of pain in her not being here. </p>
<p dir="ltr">These thoughts are everyday, every moment. Bittersweet moments. Always. </p>
<p dir="ltr">That being said. I still want her life to be bigger than her death and my way in doing that is living my life to the best of my ability. Spending time with loved ones over chores that can be done when they go to bed. There will always be time to clean. There will not always be time to hug or talk to a loved one, a child. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I want to show kindness and compassion especially when its hard. Isn't that when they say it counts the most. Its so hard though but I try again every time I fail. And I do fail, for those of you who think I don't know that please know I know I fail because I accept that I am human and were meant to fail in order to learn. </p>
<p dir="ltr">For those of you who think I think I am better than you, please know that is far from the truth. I only try to be the person I want to aspire to be. I want to lead by example so its not personal in any way. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Please know just because I accept that I fail it does not mean that I want my nose rubbed in my mistakes every time I make them.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Please also know I bleed. I cry. I hurt. Just like you. I smile but that doesn't mean my life has no pain. I lost a child. It should be obvious my life has more pain than thankfully some of you will never know as parents. </p>
<p dir="ltr">The holidays made me more emotional before Lilly was born so her not being here just adds another type of emotion to it.  I love this time of year. Celebrating peace. Love. Jesus. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Mostly love. </p>
<p dir="ltr">As much as i love this time of year I still miss her. I will always miss her. But most importantly I LOVE her. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Love to me is what gets me through so I focus on that. I focus on my relationship with God even though I have been failing at that lately too. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I focus on loving those here with me because I never know when my or their last breath will be. If anything Lilly has taught me there are more important things than my pride, my house looking like its never been lived in, winning the argument. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Through all this I am always missing her. Living my life, but will always miss her. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I apologize for all the jumping around but I had to get all this out. Have had this on my heart. <br>
</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07194853103053771968noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729748489688189251.post-87363724947812278142014-09-30T10:12:00.001-04:002014-09-30T10:12:58.740-04:00Missing Her<p dir="ltr">Been listening a lot to the song "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry. </p>
<p dir="ltr">The words,</p>
<p dir="ltr">"Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother. She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors"</p>
<p dir="ltr">"The sharp knife of a short life"</p>
<p dir="ltr">and </p>
<p dir="ltr">"I've had just enough time" resonate with me.  They comfort me, as much as a grieving mother who still misses her baby can be comforted. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Just missing Lilly ever so much. Bittersweet. Heart aches. Honored to be her mother. Proud to have her as my daughter, but still and always ... missing her. </p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07194853103053771968noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729748489688189251.post-81613642474474472722014-06-21T19:19:00.001-04:002015-02-19T11:49:32.426-05:00Am i asking too much?<p dir="ltr">My goal is to make her life bigger than her death.  Sometimes I just am not able to.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Do I linger in the sadness?<br>
Sometimes </p>
<p dir="ltr">Do I get angry? <br>
Sometimes </p>
<p dir="ltr">Do I get bitter? <br>
Sometimes. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Do I cry? <br>
A lot more than you know. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Do I feel love when I think of her?<br>
Always!</p>
<p dir="ltr">There are a plethora of emotions I go through. </p>
<p dir="ltr">What helps?</p>
<p dir="ltr">Understanding. Patience. Kindness. Empathy. Compassion. </p>
<p dir="ltr">When I am in one of my selfish phases where I have only enough in me to take care of the family I have left.  </p>
<p dir="ltr">And as irrational as I may be, please understand I live this everyday it does not go away. The pain never ends.  It only gets less heavy at times.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Just know that my smile will return. My hopeful nature will return. My positive happy self will be back. </p>
<p dir="ltr">But sometimes, just sometimes I need to mourn her, to grieve her. To cry for her.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Sometimes the burden gets too hard to carry and I need to rest in order to regain my strength to move forward again. I don't have a choice but I do need a minute or two to feel the sadness. Anger. Pain. Selfishness. Sadness. </p>
<p dir="ltr">A word can change my mood in a heartbeat especially near the time of her anniversaries. It may be irrational and stupid but it happens.</p>
<p dir="ltr">If you love me then please show me. Understand that my mood is not a personal attack against you or anyone. It is merely me dealing with what I need to when I need to. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I try not to take it out on anyone, but I am human and it happens. Please just remember that we all have moments where we break and hurt the ones we love unintentionally. Please believe I try really hard not to do that. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I am in no way excusing my behavior. I know there are no circumstances where bad behavior should be justified. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I am merely asking for mercy (understanding, patience, kindness, empathy, compassion).<br>
</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07194853103053771968noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729748489688189251.post-23591222116416894272013-12-04T08:08:00.001-05:002013-12-04T08:08:28.886-05:00Much needed inspiration<p>"If you are going through hell, keep going." - Sir Winston Churchill</p>
<p>"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." - Miyazawa Kenji</p>
<p>"It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light." - Taylor Benson</p>
<p>"The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears." - John Vance Cheney</p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-4lsZ_QitZYc/Up8pRcApD_I/AAAAAAAAASQ/HSLjc60br-w/s1600/puddles_2-550x3731.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-4lsZ_QitZYc/Up8pRcApD_I/AAAAAAAAASQ/HSLjc60br-w/s640/puddles_2-550x3731.jpg"> </a> </div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07194853103053771968noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729748489688189251.post-32229445312814669132013-12-01T17:20:00.001-05:002013-12-01T18:37:31.037-05:00A loss is a loss<p><br>
Recently there has been some animosity expressed surrounding the death of famous actor <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2013/11/30/showbiz/actor-paul-walker-dies/">Paul Walker.</a> </p>
<p>I want to take this opportunity to express where I am coming from.  I mourn all kinds of lives lost. From those who very few knew lived. My own daughter, nieces, friends family members, veterans, service workers, and yes even famous people. I feel no matter how well known or least known someone is, their life matters.</p>
<p>Lilly is mourned by people who have never met her and as a mother who buried a child I am grateful for the comfort that brings. </p>
<p>There were those who felt how can we mourn her when we chose to continue with our pregnancy. In other words we knew her life would be short. There was jealousy and bitterness and let me tell you that is the last thing I wanted or needed surrounding Lilly's death. </p>
<p>So I pray that peace surround his family and friends especially his parents and daughter. They are in my thoughts and prayers. </p>
<p>Did I know him personally, no. Though there are many I mourn who I have never met. </p>
<p>I feel their families deserve to be surrounded by as much comfort as one can have with any loss. </p>
<p>I am sorry that my posting an article of a famous person on my Facebook page has irritated any of you. It was not my intention and of course I respect you are allowed to feel as you do.  Also please know that I post other articles of other lives lost as well and most not famous.</p>
<p>And yes because he was famous his death will be more famous than most. Is it fair? Probably not. But I don't feel that his death should receive any less respect, sympathy, and empathy than those who die a less famous death. </p>
<p>I feel a loss is a loss. </p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07194853103053771968noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729748489688189251.post-84915330790926668282013-10-27T20:49:00.001-04:002013-10-28T13:55:54.768-04:00D-day: 4 years ago today. <p>While the "natural" effect this anniversary has on me is of course expected, the intensity always knocks the wind out of me.</p>
<p>It's as if those moments happened yesterday where we were told our baby's condition is "incompatible with life" </p>
<p>My first thought on those words today are full of gratefulness for the doctor's attempt at trying to use caution in delivering news that no matter how it was worded would never be gentle on the ears nor the heart. </p>
<p>There is no right way to tell someone their loved one is not going to live long or if at all.  A baby's fatal diagnosis is no exception. </p>
<p>We were strangers to him and though our first and only meeting happened under these painful circumstances I think as fondly as one can of a messenger who brings such heartbreaking news. </p>
<p>I feel his consideration and his intent to speak with such care and gentleness speaks highly of his character.  I will forever be grateful for his compassion in such a difficult position for any of us to have been in.</p>
<p>This day and the days leading up to it were emotional for me.  I have been an emotional mess. Crying at every song, every memory that we had with her. Especially for every memory we will never get a chance to have. </p>
<p>October 27 was the day we were told the most difficult of news to hear. Although it hurts like hell I am grateful to remember it like it was yesterday.  Any memory where all four of my children existed here together is worth all the pain that missing Lilly brings into my heart.</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07194853103053771968noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729748489688189251.post-30319069755529960552013-09-07T08:36:00.001-04:002013-09-07T08:44:18.765-04:00There is always HOPE <p>Woke up again to that feeling. That huge weight of dread in my heart and the pit of my stomach. It's been awhile since I have felt it this strongly. Just a reminder that it can hit you hard at any moment. </p>
<p>The second year of Lilly's death has so far been the hardest. It took me a year and a half to stop feeling so heavy. Needless to say, it was a very rough year for me. </p>
<p>Whenever this feeling pops up and hits me so hard I feel as though the wind has been knocked out of me. </p>
<p>During that year I was not my best self, though I did still participate just with weights on my ankles. And then the guilt weighs in for the things that suffer.</p>
<p>Coming out of the pit I feel I can say for me I am better for it. I learned from that time in my life and feel more prepared for lack of a better word. And not prepared in the sense that it won't be as strong when it hits me. Just so much that I can KNOW there is light at the end of such a dark tunnel. That thought alone will help me get through it. </p>
<p>I lost my daughter it's ok that things will be harder for me and that my emotions will be so raw and tender. </p>
<p>So today as I feel that anguish in my heart it reminds me she was here. She existed. And I know that whether this feeling lasts for mere seconds longer or years, eventually I will feel less of the weight of it for another cycle someday. There is always hope! </p>
<p>Another lesson I feel my daughter has taught me. </p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07194853103053771968noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729748489688189251.post-28391686639508581892013-04-10T16:03:00.003-04:002013-04-25T20:50:32.476-04:00But then...<p>I am sitting here thinking of how to word what I want to say in this post.</p>
<p>I have stepped away from the "grieving world" for some time now. It was in no way out of disrespect. I could say life got busy, but life is always busy. I just allowed myself to get caught up in the busyness of life, not prioritizing time for my grief to surface.  </p>
<p>I think of Lilly and all the babies'/children(s)'s families I have met often, and what a very heavy journey this is we have been asked to travel upon. </p>
<p>I started to feel a heavier sadness seeing all the infant loss and child loss happening and just didn't know how to keep up with it all. It's not possible, there are so many who have been "chosen" to walk this path. </p>
<p>I admit I myself became overwhelmed by it all. It's unfair, so unfair. It breaks my heart that Lilly died. There will always be a piece of my heart missing and whenever I learn of a new family's journey whether someone I know personally or meet through the internet, the tender area near my missing piece is poked, and it stings. My heart aches for and with them knowing the journey they are now and forever on until their time ends on this earth.</p>
<p>I realize now that though it is hard to be a part of this journey sometimes, no matter what I am always and forever on it. It is my path to walk and it may be harder at times than others. Bearable one minute and not at all the next. I feel more at peace, as much as one can feel, involved as much as I can be, when I can. This is not a part time journey. It is a journey with hills, mountains, pits, and valleys, never knowing one moment to the next what level altitude I will be at.</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07194853103053771968noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729748489688189251.post-33665726477970279812012-12-24T08:57:00.001-05:002013-02-18T15:52:40.124-05:00Merry Christmas Eve<p>Today my heart is in all places at once. I am excited about Christmas on the verge of joyful bittersweet tears. Yet my heart also aches. </p>
<p>It's been awhile since I have felt this joy despite the heart wrenching emotions that "naturally" come with missing Lilly. </p>
<p>Of course there is no doubt I wish she were here to celebrate the birth of Christ with us. To open presents. To join in our family traditions.</p>
<p>I am also mourning the loss of another sweet life gone too soon this holiday season as well as the 26 lives who so recently and painfully left this world. </p>
<p>I think about the beginning of my journey after Lilly died and my heart aches thinking of the parents who have started their own journey after the loss of their child.  As well as the heartache the siblings feel beginning their journey without their brother or sister. </p>
<p>I feel for every one of them. </p>
<p>So while this is a joyous Christmas for me just a month and a half shy of the three year mark since Lilly died, it is also still a sad one. It will always be both. </p>
<p>I wish the families who have been asked to walk through life without their loved ones as much joy and peace during this holiday season. </p>
<p>Though it may sound odd for me to say I still can feel joy along with  this pain of having to survive a child, I don't feel that it means I miss her any less. In fact, I feel closer to how I felt when Lilly was here, than I have in awhile. I still miss her, I will always miss her. There will always be a lump in my throat, a hole in my heart so long as I live.  </p>
<p>I have always said I want her life to be bigger than her death and the joy I feel today coincides with my wish for that to be how she is remembered. </p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07194853103053771968noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729748489688189251.post-35586680213470794082012-11-26T18:33:00.001-05:002012-11-26T18:33:29.697-05:00My Outlet<div><p>It's been awhile...again.</p>
<p>I have been wanting to write more often than I have been because in the past this has been such a great outlet for me, and lately I have been feeling the need to have an outlet.</p>
<p>To be honest, that feeling has never truly left, and it pains me to admit that I have allowed myself to make excuses for not having time. I feel it means I am not making time for Lilly, which I know is not true, but my heart feels guilty anyway.  I know at times the reason I stopped writing here was because in those moments, I felt I no longer needed to vent about my grief as often as I was in the beginning.</p>
<p>I have often wondered if perhaps that's why I feel the first year of living without Lilly was in a way more manageable than this year has been, because I had an outlet. </p>
<p>I have been missing the moments of peace I would get. I feel like those are fewer and farther between than before. I can not even remember the last time I felt a moment of peace wash over me. I do remember feeling them as I wrote how I felt. So I hope in writing this I am able to feel a moment of peace again. The same peace I felt wash over me the day of her funeral.</p>
<p>I have gotten to the place where I cry when I talk about her. Maybe its guilt. I want to talk about her but feel joy not sadness. Maybe its a balance; I felt the joy more immensely than the sorrow and now its time for me to feel the sorrow more than the joy. </p>
<p>I still don't want her death to be more important than her life. I think that I am conflicted because what I want is not coincidung with how I feel. </p>
<p>I know I can't control it. I also know the pain is a reminder that she was physically here. I just feel sad. </p>
<p>Before Lilly I did not like the feeling of not being in control, and after she died I could accept that I am not in control easily. Now I am back to not liking that feeling. It's a lot more stressful feeling this way though. I miss letting go and trusting and accepting what is meant to happen will happen. </p>
<p>In a way I still feel that way, just not nearly as dominant as before. </p>
<p>I need to remind myself that it is ok to feel conflicted. There is no manual for losing a child. There is no right or wrong way, and grief changes and grows as we do. Losing a child is still new to me. I have a lifetime of learning how to live with it. I won't ever get it right, I will not get used to it, and that's ok. I am not meant to.</p>
</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07194853103053771968noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729748489688189251.post-85281347309630126302012-02-22T04:29:00.001-05:002012-08-12T07:06:17.914-04:00Dark day...<div>*** I wrote this on Lilly's birthday. It was a tough one for me this year and I thought I had published it. I am posting this as is without editing.
<div><p>First off let me say that some of this is gonna sound selfish.  And I am at peace with that because this is my space to feel free to say what is on my heart in relation to a life lived without Lilly.  </p>
<p>This has definitely been a difficult birthday for me.  I spent a lot of Monday in tears. I left work early and drove to the cemetery to visit her and had a good cry.  Then I headed to the church but it was locked so I ended up at a lake.  I sat on a swinging bench just basking in the beauty that is nature.  </p>
<p>I spent most of Tuesday in bed just not finding the strength to pull myself up.  I was in a dark place and yes I was feeling sorry for myself and I feel moments of that are allowable and should be expected for one who has lost a child.  I also feel I know what I can take and I knew I didn't need any outside pressures on top of the pain in my heart I was already experiencing so me lying in bed watching re runs was all I could take.  I feel I have to have those moments where its just about how I feel because for those of you who have not lost a child believe me when I say those moments are much needed. Those of you who can only imagine how losing a child feels its that and ten times a million more painful than you can fathom. </p>
<p>I have struggled with myself with guilt mostly. Guilt of letting others down by choosing to take these moments these last couple of days. While I expect difficult and dark moments to happen it still hits me. In some small way its like seeing someone about to punch you and you brace for impact and know the pain is coming but you never really can prepare for the impact. Only with a punch coming your way (unless someone comes from behind and sucker punches you) there is a slight moment of preparing for impact. Well with waves of grief while I know they are coming it doesn't make it less painful and there is no bracing for impact. We call them waves because they come over you and then you have to kick like hell to get to the surface and catch your breath and for those of you who have ever been hit by a wave and swallowed under water know that's not an easy task. </p>
<p>For me when I feel this way I limit interaction with anything or anyone I feel in my perception which of course is my reality (told you I was gonna be selfish in this post) are holding my head under the water so to speak unintentional or otherwise.  I say that because intentional or not it still hurts and when you are in this dark place of grief that I speak of you don't need anyone or anything putting salt on an unhealed wound.  And I feel people might misunderstand. I don't mean we have more of a right to be sad than the next person.  Pain is pain, it hurts and we all have a right to feel as we do. What I am saying is I just want the same right as anyone else and sometimes I don't have room for anything else but to be sad. My daughter is dead can you really blame me for wanting moments of selfishness. </p>
<p>There are those who miss Lilly and remember her daily with us and I love that we can share our memories and our thoughts about Lilly. I am grateful in ways words may never express.  We have had such a great support system starting for me with God.</p>
<p>There have been moments throughout this journey where I felt it was so dark and God has given me lights to help me find my way out of the muddy and slippery pit of grief.  </p>
<p>People have said we have a great support system and we do and I don't take that for granted. </p>
<p>I also can't imagine going through this without God.  I feel He is my strongest supporter whether I always know it or not.  </p>
<p>Knowing He is with me has helped me even in my darkest moments.  Just accepting His unconditional love for me helps me to always know that no matter how dark it gets, with Him there is always Hope.</p>
<p>I am reminded of a quote I heard a little bit after we buried Lilly's vessel. "God never promised us a road filled without strife. But in our darkest moments it is important to remember that He did promise to never abandon us." I have never forgotten that and I feel that along with the support system we have been fortunate to have I know there is always a light at the end of the tunnel or a hand to help me out of the pit.</p>
<p>I wouldn't trade a single second of her nine months in utero and six days, five hours, and thirty minutes on earth for not having the pain of not having her here with me. </p>
<p>I recently heard that if to love and have your heart broken means "tragedy", then give me "tragedy" I agree if not having this pain means losing Lilly in the sense that she never existed, I would rather live with this pain. Because with this pain there is still Love :)</p>
<p>I also feel we wouldn't know love without pain. We would take it for granted, take the ones we love for granted if we didn't feel that they at any moment could disappear from our world.  I truly believe one cannot exist without the other.</p>
<p>And if to know true love is to know pain then I welcome love with open arms. </p>
</div></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07194853103053771968noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729748489688189251.post-67107730459850141842012-01-01T12:27:00.001-05:002012-02-05T11:01:00.621-05:00A new year's wish to all<div><p>First off I would like to wish everyone a "happy" new year. I hope this year brings as much peace and fulfillment that can be brought to those of us on this journey.</p>
<p>I am a little cautious on seeing how this year without Lilly will be "different" from 2011. I have heard people say that some years are harder than others and I feel I defintely experienced that in 2011. My wish is that 2012 will not be one of the "harder" years for myself and especially for others.</p>
<p>I feel like I experienced the deepest part of my despair in missing Lilly and though I know there will be more moments during my lifetime like this I have yet to experience I just want to make sure I never lose sight of the one thing I have said from the beginning that I do not want Lilly's death to be bigger than her life! I get so mad when I lose my grip on that thought.</p>
<p>I feel I was very close to losing sight of that in 2011. So here I start  another year living without Lilly. May all of us who walk this journey find as much peace and joy that can be found. Though the tears will never cease and the heartache never end, may we all find some comfort in the year 2012. I have a feeling all our children want that for us. *hugs*</p>
</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07194853103053771968noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729748489688189251.post-31674393235014440682011-12-20T17:59:00.001-05:002011-12-20T19:52:48.580-05:00There is light at the end of the tunnel<div><p>My grief has felt very heavy these past two days, and today I felt my hope was hanging on by a very thin piece of thread.</p>
<p>It's been such an emotional roller coaster and I was unsure how much more I would be able to bear. I found myself praying a simple, desperate prayer "Lord, help." "Please help."</p>
<p>I do not like feeling this heavy, it can be terribly exhausting.  I started to think that I had so much hope when Lilly was here even while I accepted the reality of her having anencephaly, that how could I be so close to losing hope now?  </p>
<p>And it was not hope towards anything in particular it was more so just in regards to missing her and not being able to grasp the joy that she brought and still brings. I felt lost in a fog of disappointment and I am not used to nor do I enjoy feeling this way so I  struggle to bear it, and it usually doesn't last this long nor hit this hard. It was a bit overwhelming.</p>
<p>I have felt a lack of motivation in getting the ornaments on our tree. We have a tradition on my husband's side where his parents give each family member an ornament each year for Christmas and those ornaments go on our tree every year. They did get us an ornament last year that was one you personalize and it has six spots, so I wrote down all our names. It's a nice keepsake to have. </p>
<p>While I was admiring our collection it saddened me to think Lilly will not be collecting anymore ornaments like the rest of us. So I was thinking last night of making or buying Lilly an ornament each year and am mixing it with Alanna's suggestion and having the kids help us decorate or pick one out every Christmas. I look forward to adding this new tradition that will in a way keep Lilly a part of this special Christmas tradition. I feel it will be a great way to honor her and keep her with us in what limited ways we can. </p>
<p>I have struggled with the unfairness of it all and had some selfish thoughts. I don't think I have really explored that emotion in a long while.  Eventually a peace fell over me and my spirit calmed and I was once again reminded that  only God can see the bigger picture when I can not or am unwilling to. I may not ever know or understand which I am sure will bring on heavy frustration at times, but that is where faith and trust play a BIG part. I am asked to follow blindly, so I will.  And  when I find it difficult to, its ok that I feel this way as long as I keep coming back to this realization. </p>
<p>I also struggled with the fear that people have forgotten Lilly and that did not help matters.</p>
<p>So yesterday I confided this to a  coworker who said Lilly will always be remembered and told me how she still carries a prayer card from Lilly's funeral service in her car. She went on to say that she will never be forgotten and reminded me that Lilly accomplished so much in such a little time, more than probably most people have or will do in their lifetime.</p>
<p>There are those close to me who I feel blatantly forget Lilly and it hurts, but I also was given a better perspective by this same coworker. I need to focus on the ones that choose to remember her with me.  It is sad that there are those that refuse to, but it is their loss to not treat her like she was a human being and sweep her under the rug as if she never existed. I feel Lilly deserves better than that. </p>
<p>Yes it hurts at times to remember her when I can not reach out and touch her, but I feel trying to forget her would hurt more. I am going to hurt either way and I choose to hurt while remembering Lilly.</p>
<p>Later that evening, Lilly's older sister and I were spending some time together and we were putting stickers on the pictures we had colored. She said "mommy choose a sticker, please." And as I looked over the stickers I saw one was a small yellow butterfly! I felt that Lilly was peeking at us and letting us know she was doing so. I haven't seen a lot of signs like that in a good while. </p>
<p>And today I picked up a package that contained our oldest daughter's present and the doll had a tag stating her name lady stillwaiting and she was sewn on Feb 26th (Lilly was born in Feb and she is our 4th child, the 26th was her fourth day alive and the number 4 carries great significance on my side of the family) and her personality description was HOPEFUL! </p>
<p>It helped me to start feeling excited about Christmas and reminded me that though it may seem long and bleak, there is always light at the end of the tunnel.</p>
</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07194853103053771968noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729748489688189251.post-13647352865595082722011-12-18T08:17:00.001-05:002011-12-18T08:40:49.463-05:00A big ramble....<div><p>I can not believe how fast this year has gone. It's been a bumpy road, but not without its joys. </p>
<p>I have had a lot of difficult moments from "its not fair" to " who am I to question His will". I was angry at times at the unfairness but He so quickly reminded me that there is a bigger picture and I have to trust that what is is meant for whatever reasons. </p>
<p>I can't say that its been an easy journey. I have honestly felt the farther away we get from the time Lilly was here the harder its been. It will be two years in February which I still can not believe! I guess you could say year two was harder than year one, but I hear some are harder than others. </p>
<p>Mornings have been hard on me again and I just am finding it hard to be joyful at times, and not for lack of trying. I still am happy but am missing her at the same time.  </p>
<p>I feel blogging helped me keep a more positive perspective so I really am making an effort to continue to do that. I know I keep saying that lol. I just feel its my outlet and for awhile I wasn't allowing myself the time I needed for my emotions on missing Lilly. I have vented to my mom, my husband, and my best friend, and two coworkers so that has helped. But I could only do that every now and then because of life happenings.</p>
<p>This post is a huge ramble which is one of the things I love about blogging. I can ramble :)</p>
</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07194853103053771968noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729748489688189251.post-1696751653103614672011-10-15T15:14:00.000-04:002011-10-15T15:14:50.221-04:00Wave of Light October 15 Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day<img src="http://www.october15th.com/WaveofLight.gif" /><br />
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<a href="http://s836.photobucket.com/albums/zz286/wildsnflwr2011/?action=view&current=Elena_blog_signature.png" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" src="http://i836.photobucket.com/albums/zz286/wildsnflwr2011/Elena_blog_signature.png" /></a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07194853103053771968noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729748489688189251.post-51256365943281289562011-09-04T03:41:00.002-04:002011-09-04T03:41:45.794-04:00It's been awhile I know its been awhile and I'm actually trying to remedy that because while I have gotten away from writing in my blog I started in honor of Lilly's memory, I also feel I need to make time to do it and I wasn't doing that. Things just got so busy so it was easy to kind of say Ok I'll post that another time.<br />
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I found myself recently having a moment at work. Well at first I was kind of fighting it only cause I was thinking "do I want to have a moment, should I have a moment," and then finally of course all you fellow BLM's out there know that it hit me like a ton of bricks and there was no controlling it.<br />
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This time not many if any at work knew that I had a moment. There was one coworker in particular I shared my moment with and that is because of the unfortunate truth that she has endured the same pain of losing a daughter so recently I might add, I want to thank her for being there.<br />
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I apologize if my thoughts seem all jumbled as it is so early while I sit here writing and I feel my wording is not gramatically correct nor is it flowing together smoothly.<br />
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I attended a child's first birthday yesterday. My first birthday party where a child turned 1 since Lilly's passing (she would have turned 1 year old this past February). It was so busy here that I really didn't even think it would affect me and some didn't even see why it should but I know there are those BLM's who understand and that helped me know that I have that support, that understanding. Not that I enjoy sharing this pain with anyone, for I wish no one had to share the grief that comes with losing a child.<br />
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I was only a little emotional before hand and not because I wasn't excited for my friend or for her baby's big milestone. I was glad to be invited of course and honored that she would invite us to share in her family's celebration. I even took some photos before we had to leave.<br />
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As I said, I haven't really made much time for my grief or my outlet here (as you can see), and I think that its something I need to do for me, especially recently. And that doesn't mean that I haven't moved forward or that life hasn't proceeded in the midst of Lilly's death, it just means that she's still with me and I will carry her always and it shows that even though Lilly died, my love for her never will. And while I still have moments where I miss her so very much, I still love and cherish and appreciate what I still have in this life (Lilly included). She is not here physically and while her death does not consume me nor define me or her, the emotions certainly have not nor will ever leave me. That also doesn't mean I don't take the time I have with my living children for granted. This blog is dedicated to Lilly's memory and so this space is specific to writing in regards to anything related to my grief for myself in missing Lilly. It does not mean I am consumed by it and really, should I be blamed if I did? Yes, I have living children, but those living children do not replace Lilly, just as Lilly does not replace my living children. They each and INDIVIDUALLY are EQUALLY important to me and I love ALL of my children here on earth or in heaven. <br />
<a href="http://s836.photobucket.com/albums/zz286/wildsnflwr2011/?action=view&current=Elena_blog_signature.png" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" src="http://i836.photobucket.com/albums/zz286/wildsnflwr2011/Elena_blog_signature.png" /></a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07194853103053771968noreply@blogger.com5