I will never be 100% happy and that is OK

For those of you who think I am on some high horse or I think I am better than anyone. I am not. I know that I am far from perfect. That my life is far from perfect.

I love my life and would not trade it for the world but I will always miss one of my children and be sad that I don't get to hug her when she cries or read bedtime stories to her or hug her and Hold on to her wishing she would stay little. I will always wish she could have just stayed.

Don't get me wrong I am not bitter that I don't have her for I would never trade being her mother.  Just know that I don't think I am perfect. I don't think I am better than you. I know that I am far from it and all that I try to do is be worthy to be my children's mother everyday.

I hurt more than I will ever let anyone know because I want others to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy. It's a great amazing feeling. 

I know what it feels like to hurt so please know I would never intentionally hurt anyone but I do have to protect my own heart for its been through a lot.

I am human. I do get sad and that is ok.

For those of you who think I use losing my daughter to get attention that's ok too. I hope you never have to understand how so untrue that is.

I miss her every day and that will never change but I live my life so that I might honor her. I want all my children to be proud to call me their mom and not because I am "better" than someone else's mother but because I am better than the me I was the day before.

♡♡♡♡♡

2015

This year has been a hard one for me.  Year five without Lilly had a lot of ups and downs.  For those of you who have been there for me this year and always, you know who you are and how much you mean to me. If you even think you are one of them please do not doubt it.  This is not meant to make those who have no idea what is going on in my life feel less important. I am sure your time will come to be there for me or someone else. Perhaps you have already been there for a dear friend.

I had almost forgotten all the lessons I learned in the little time Lilly was with us here on earth.  She taught me unconditional love. She welcomed everyone who came to see her without complaint despite the circumstances life handed her. She emanated pure love.

She inspired me to do the same. 

So despite the harshness this year has brought my heart I can see the joy through the sorrows and am grateful for it. I am not going to lie it has been hard, but I know the joy exists and will always be there no matter how hard it is to see.

I have to hold on to the joys in life because that is what helps me get through the sorrows. She gave me joy to help me remember how to get through the hard times without her.  

I also was reminded this year that my faith can get me through anything I just need not forget to turn to it .

Kindergarten

She would have started school today. 

I can see how by my mentioning this to people, they may think I am taking away from her siblings milestones. If you truly know my heart you know that to be untrue.

Because they are alive does not mean her life, though brief, meant any less.  Because she is dead does not make my living children's milestones less important. If anything it makes their milestones that much more meaningful. 

I miss her so much I can't even breathe. I am sad she is missing out. I know some would say she is having a ball where she is. To be honest that doesn't help me even if I know it or feel it.

I have not been as loud about my grief as I used to be. It seems I am now seeing just how much people do not want to talk about infant death.  I understand I do.  Which is why I talk to the ones who are comfortable and supportive enough to hear me out so thank you for that you do more than you know.

Kindergarten is a milestone she will never experience and today I just want to feel the sadness that this brings.

Missing her

It was 5 years this February since we said goodbye to our youngest child.  It feels so close to that time yet so far away.

I still feel I am applying all that she taught me in my everyday life about compassion, love, kindness especially in the face of harshness or even when it is not reciprocated. It doesn't have to be though, for that is not the point.

I've been through hell and back missing her but today I am in a good place with missing her. Yes it hurts, it will always hurt. Some days will always be better than others and today is one of those "better" than others day.

Some may say move on and I am moving ... But forward not on.  For I can and never will move on.  Again for me moving on means forgetting her and that is something I will not choose to do. I feel I am doing the best that I can.

To those who do not understand, that is completely fine I am not asking you to. 

To those I may make uncomfortable on the days that are not "better" than others I understand where you are coming from. Just know that I am still me just a little sad that day.

To those who have been there by my side and have supported me it helps more than you think it does.

I have not really felt I was able to fully feel the weight of her five year anniversaries.  Then again I won't ever fully feel any specific way about her being gone.

Losing a child is not a pain I wish on my worst enemy (if I had one).  It is a pain beyond all measure. No wise words could even come close to describing it.

Some days I feel so far from her it is hard to fully visualize the few memories we have of her. It pains me to say some days those memories are just too painful to visualize and I can not even begin to try and stop the tears.

Today though, today I feel the positivity, love, and peace that I always want to hold onto.