Still Moving Forward

Those closest to me know how much I've grown in the last year.  I appreciate each and every one of you for being there to help me grow and to allow me to do so in my own way.

After Lilly died I took off her birthday and her angel day every year. This past year I did not take her angel day off and though I had a few moments I have been blessed with a supervisor who allowed me to have my moments and allowed me the freedom to have them and to step away when I needed to. This coming year I have decided not to take any time off for either days. I feel that is where I am at and that may change from year to year especially on the milestone years.

  Lilly's birthday will always be a happy one for me. She was never given more than a few minutes if any to live and she lived the whole day and then some. No matter how sad I feel in missing out on celebrating her birthday with her that thought never escapes me.

  Her angel day is a little harder for me and a few days later which is relived every year whether I mean for it to happen or not. That's the thing with losing someone so close to you is you never get over missing them. Time keeps you busy but you never forget, and there is nothing wrong with that.

  The pain reminds me that she was physically here, that she existed.

  I had a close friend point out that losing Lilly changed me and that's ok. I never realized how much until she pointed it out and I am so grateful that she was brave enough to be honest with me.

    I joined a small group at church and met some amazing women (you know who you are no question). God has definitely had a great plan for me, one I could not have ever imagine for myself. These women help me feel like myself and they help give me strength and I feel good in their company and am so grateful God has brought them into my lives.

  The study we did was on the book by Hosanna Poetry called Superadded.  It was on abundance letting God superadd that into our lives and how we go about accomplishing and allowing that into our daily lives.  And though it is still very much a struggle to allow all that He has been throwing at me lately, I am humbled and amazed at what He is doing in my life.

  Friends old and new, family I was born into and met and acquired along the way I am so grateful for. I feel I've been given a support system here that I never knew I would have (you all know who you are as well) including myself. I have found myself again after feeling lost with knowing who I used to be and who I am now.

   I am nowhere near finished as I will continue to grow. I just want to make her proud and I want to continue to strive to live my life in abundance to honor her memory.

   I've come a long way and yet have more rough roads to travel. I've been so busy to not take time to take care of this blog I started so many years ago and I feel I need to update and come back to it.

    Some days it will be heavier than others, that is when I will lean on those that love me and allow me to miss her without judgement.

   All this being said, while I continue this new chapter in my life, I will do so while at the same time never forgetting our beautiful Lilly Elizabeth. She will forever be a part of me, that will never change. The joy in having her will always exist with the pain of losing her. That is and forever will be how I continue to move forward living without her.

Back to Hope

    I do not want to "use" my daughter's death as an excuse for bad behavior.  I've had hard years and those of you close to me know how hard those years were. Those of you living this same journey know first hand how hard outliving a child can be.

     I've been sensitive to things that normally would not have affected me at all and have not acted gracefully, with kindness nor compassion or understanding.

    I would like to thank those who have put up with my moods during the harder times I am sure it was not an easy task.  Thank you for showing me kindness and compassion when I so obviously did not deserve it.  Words can not convey how much it means to me.

    The first year after she passed away was the way I wish all of them to be.  There was a peace if you will that first year of living without Lilly, and I miss that.  

    I thought maybe blogging like I did then might help as over the years I have stepped away from it.  Perhaps it is time to return to blogging my feelings.

    I never wanted this blog I started for Lilly to be a place of negativity but honestly I am outliving a child,  how can there not be that.  However,  I do want it to be a space where I can use it to help build back up the hope I once felt even in the midst of her death.

    I will always feel pain, I will always miss her until the day I die.  I must accept that He did not take me instead of her for some reason I may never be meant to understand. All I know is this is the journey my life is on and I must make the best of even this.  Not in spite of her death, but in hopes to honor her short but beautiful existence.

Always

If anyone wants to make my life miserable trust me outliving a child does that.  So please know that no matter how happy I may appear there will always be sadness in my heart.  

Easter is the one holiday I did not get with Lilly. Though I am grateful for the ones I did get  it does not make the ones I did not spend with her, with all of us together, any easier.

If you want to cause me pain or heartache please know it exists in my everyday life. I live two sides of a coin everyday. Why ask me to live with more?

  I do not wish this on even my worst enemy and though I hide it well it is hard to live with at times.  

I would not trade having her for living without the pain.  As I have said several times before, the pain reminds me she was here. 

I will always wish I took her place, but that was not His plan.   I will always cry, always wonder, always talk about her.  

So please if you are wanting to hurt me please know I do hurt everyday.   I do not wish this pain on anyone and I do know how to feel joy through this sadness but there is always pain in missing her.

Our Sixth Angel Day

It has been six years to the day that we said goodbye to Lilly. It has been a journey filled with highs and lows with me being at my best and me being at my worst.

Everything I have learned along the way I know has a purpose has a meaning. I may not be able to see it in the moment but I know I will in the future.

I had forgotten to trust and not resist His plan for me as a dear friend Sheila once taught me.

Lilly loved unconditionally and I aspire to live my life loving without condition just as she showed me and where I am not able to I am at least working on being kind.

Everyone deserves kindness in their life. You never know what journey anyone is walking. What they are going through and I feel the world needs a lot more kindness. I have seen such a lack of it myself included and I want to work on eradicating that from my life. 

Mother Teresa had a saying that I love to aspire to follow.  She said :  

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway

Missing her, that will never change so to the people in my life who respect my journey and know I do not blog or talk about her for attention, and who know I am grateful for the living children I have here with me. You all are more appreciated than there are words to express and you all each know who you are.

Thank you for everything! For your love and constant support. For not judging me or my journey. It means more you know and I could ever hope to express. ♡♡♡♡