Always

If anyone wants to make my life miserable trust me outliving a child does that.  So please know that no matter how happy I may appear there will always be sadness in my heart.  

Easter is the one holiday I did not get with Lilly. Though I am grateful for the ones I did get  it does not make the ones I did not spend with her, with all of us together, any easier.

If you want to cause me pain or heartache please know it exists in my everyday life. I live two sides of a coin everyday. Why ask me to live with more?

  I do not wish this on even my worst enemy and though I hide it well it is hard to live with at times.  

I would not trade having her for living without the pain.  As I have said several times before, the pain reminds me she was here. 

I will always wish I took her place, but that was not His plan.   I will always cry, always wonder, always talk about her.  

So please if you are wanting to hurt me please know I do hurt everyday.   I do not wish this pain on anyone and I do know how to feel joy through this sadness but there is always pain in missing her.