Monday, April 4, 2011

From the heart; a little frustration and a never ending Thank You

    I know that I have not been the funnest person at times since losing Lilly, and I wanted to take a moment to thank those of you who understood and allowed me to be a little bit unreasonable and irrational.  I know it was hard to understand at times especially when I was laughing one moment and grieving hard the next, and even more so watch me feel such pain, but I am grateful you stood by and allowed me the space I needed to grieve in what way was best and healthiest for ME.

    I am very opinionated as well as vocal in the defense of anyone who is grieving because I feel I understand on a different level than those who have not lost a child.  This is not an insult to those that have not lost a child and I am not saying that they can't be supportive and sympathetic. I am saying I can be empathetic and trust me, it's not a position any parent wishes to find themselves in.  Please also keep in mind I have been on the other side of friends losing their babies or child before losing Lilly so I have been the sympathetic but not empathetic one.

      Whether it's been a week or 20 years a grieving parent needs to react.  I get that it's hard for those who have not experienced a loss such as ours to fathom because they move ON in their daily lives, which let me state there is nothing wrong with.  My kids still miss their sister, my husband and I, our youngest daughter.  Grieving is forever a part of our lives and will never leave us.  We still cry and and we still laugh and smile as well.  I feel laughing and smiling is the best way to honor Lilly Elizabeth's memory; I also believe crying honors her memory as well.

     I've lived "this"! I've lived with loved ones and best friends shockingly making me feel like they think I should be over the hard moments.  "This" is the death of my daughter and while I don't sulk every single second, I do have my moments where I just plain think "WHY?" and "THIS SUCKS" and that's OK! I just get so frustrated that people think that were not OK cause wow we're sad about our children no longer being here with us. That some people do not understand why we get the way we get, I just can not wrap my mind around this.

    I'm not as angry about it as I once was, however, I still get irritated.  I feel for the moms and dads who get treated badly ON TOP of having to relearn to "breathe again".  Its hard and I'm still learning.  I know that its possibly hard for those to fathom that can choose to move ON...we have no choice and can only move FORWARD the best way we can.

    Even though there have been moments of utter hurt and frustration from those closest to me, I have to say that we have been blessed to have the support system that we do.  I don't really feel we've lost anyone along the way; and we have gained much as well.  I am grateful to all of you, and you all know who you are! Lilly was blessed to have known you all and I am glad that y'all had the chance to know and love her.  I am forever grateful.


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