Monday, May 30, 2011

Happy Memorial Day!

"For love of country they accepted death..."-James A. Garfield

"We come, not to mourn our dead soldiers, but to praise them." -Francis A. Walker

"For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity." - William Penn

"Death leaves us a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal." from a headstone in Ireland

Happy Memorial Day! Remembering all who lost their lives in pursuit of the freedoms we benefit from today.

Wishing everyone a peaceful day.


Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day 2011

   My day had its ups and downs.  At this point I've grown a bit used to grief being a part of my life.  It's never going to be easy living without Lilly; I know that, and have always accepted that.

    I know a few moms who are experiencing their first mother's day without their child and my heart goes out to them.  I wish I could take their pain away, but I know so well that it's not something that can be done.

    I miss her everyday so today is no exception, but it is difficult to celebrate 100% on a day where I can not share it with all my children, the reason to which I am a mother is them.  We painted, played, and hung out.  My husband cooked a GREAT breakfast (thank you Jim).

    I had plenty of wishes for a Happy Mother's Day which really helps to know I'm still thought of, that we are not forgotten and that most importantly Lilly is not forgotten.  And I know that even if no one else remembers dear Lilly we will always cherish her and remember her everyday of our lives and that's what matters.

    I remember having more peace last year than I do this year, but I think that has a lot to do with where I am at in my waves of grief.  Last year was more emotional tear wise, I have not cried but once this mother's day which is not an accomplishment.  The day I stop crying would hurt the most because I don't want to disconnect my emotions from Lilly and when I cry I know I still miss her and love her and that in a way brings me comfort.

   I'm gonna end this post saying I hope that every mom had a Happy Mother's Day and to those grieving moms, I hope that your day was filled with as much peace as there could be.  I know it's not easy and I wanted to send my love and hugs out to you all.


Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Work in Progress

    Please be patient with me as I update the look of my blog, it will probably take me awhile so it may look a little different or a lot different between visits.  I am playing around to see what will work and will not work, but I have to test it for me to actually feel it out if that makes sense.

   I did want to share a song today.  I was feeling the worst I have felt in awhile today with grieving and life occurrences on top of grief and just felt at such a loss but then I hear this song on the radio, a new one I have not yet heard before today Mandisa called "Stronger"  I know the pain will last forever and I believe that things will not get better in the sense that I will always be saddened that I no longer have Lilly here with me but that I will learn to live with it better each day if I trust in Him.


Tuesday, May 3, 2011

While I'm Waiting by John Waller

This song helps me get through some of my hard moments in grief.  I am posting it in hopes that the sharing the lyrics may help bring what little comfort can be brought to someone out there.

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

One more thing tonight

   I think I am hitting my most number of posts in an evening, but I did have to blog about one more thing.  I've decided that I do need to have a "blogging day" doesn't have to be an assigned day being that life throws curve balls so having it on a specific day may not always work out, but I realized that I do need to express myself or else I'll just end up keeping it all in and keep moving forward as I have been.

   Nothing has happened, I just feel like I'm stressing more and I feel that some of that has to do with I haven't really made time for me to outlet my grief and that was one of the reasons I started this blog in the first place.  I stopped for awhile because one, my computer was on sabbatical and two, I just didn't want to keep writing about the same emotions over and over again.  I felt that might be a little boring to my readers, and it got tiring for me as well.  I have realized though that I may be writing or venting about the same things but I feel I have grown and learned and healed as little as one can on a rest of my life basis.  I was feeling like I was taking two steps forward but then on other days I feel I'm all the way back to the beginning of the path, but I feel those are just hills and valleys and yes sometimes on the days where I am down in the Valley I make my way up the Hill to get over the Mountain then I'm on not so shaky ground again.  I know too many metaphors.  Basically what I am trying to say is that just when I started this journey without Lilly physically in my life, I knew that there would be ups and downs and that would be OK.  I think its just in the last few months I felt at times that it was harder than when I first began and in ways it always will be.

    When I was with Lilly here on earth I felt so close to her and on days where I feel that I am grasping onto what little memory I have of her, I feel like I'm stumbling.  But just before I fall I call out to God and I feel comfort, or Lilly shows me a sign that she is still very much with us just not as we could ever imagine and that thought again comforts me.

   I won't lie, on days where I feel like I can not be comforted by God I just wait it out; wait until that storm passes and I am past the despair wave of grief.  Its going to be a never ending journey until the day I die, and I'm gonna be in excruciating pain, of course I will, for I have a hole in my heart that NO "stopper" can fill.  And I'm OK with that, I've always been OK with that but for a bit I felt as if I lost that thought and I would feel a bit panicked.  Today I feel it coming back as the tears roll down my eyes while I type.

   My train of thought is lost for I need a moment and not to mention this post is getting longer.  I am glad I have a place to spill out my innermost heartaches on missing my sweet sweet Lilly.  Though there is joy intermingled with my sadness I am still hurting, I will always hurt for my baby girl.

   I have been watching Army Wives and I love that show by the way but I have also been able to relate to the show on so many levels but even more so now including the loss of a child.  Recently one of the moms on the show has had to bury her son and another mom has in the past buried one of her daughters.  I do love how they depict the grief and right now I've had to watch it in pieces because of a busy schedule but in this episode they go to a support group.  It doesn't go as well as one would hope under circumstances being what they are, but it reminded me of how great a support I have found through family, friends, this blogging world and though I have not been participating as much, my online support groups.  Even helping with Rachel's Gift has been a great comfort when I just am in so much pain I feel numb.  I get angry when I hear another family has suffered the loss of a child and knowing that they have such a journey ahead of them is upsetting.  I know what this feels like and I do not wish it on anyone else.  But I have to remind myself that God has a plan, whatever it is.

    I spoke to a mother who reminded me of the way I thought when Lilly first died, that everything happens for a reason but now that view has changed into why does it? Let us in on the secret please?  I think our babies are the secret, they're a glimpse into what God has planned and we have to trust.  I've been offering up all my Blind Faith.  I have not yet gotten angry with God.  I say yet, because who knows I still may, and I feel partly that He wants me to get angry with Him, to offer it up to Him, cause He can take it.  I can't convince myself to do so because I think...why? what would it do? It just would make me feel horrible afterward and mainly, honestly, It won't bring her back! I just don't see the point in it even if I feel it may be something I need to do.  By mad I mean shouting and screaming at the top of my lungs "WHY? WHY DID YOU TAKE HER? WHAT DID I DO WRONG? TELL ME? COULDN'T SHE HAVE WORKED YOUR PLAN HERE, SHE WAS SO AMAZING! WHY HER AND NOT ME? I PRAYED FOR YOU TO TAKE ME INSTEAD"  The caps are emphasizing the shouting, but I am not feeling angry at this time, just utter utter sadness and heartbreak.  Heartbreak for me and for anyone else who has had to walk this journey and for all future parents, for I unfortunately know this does not stop with me, I wish it did, Oh how I wish none of you had to feel this.

Just a disclaimer: I want to emphasize that though I am emotionally rambling tonight, I do still keep Lilly in my heart and would no way trade never having her for the freedom to not feel this.  I love her, and pain or no pain she will always be my daughter, and I wouldn't want it any other way. I would have traded my life for her and still would had I to do it all over again.


New Look

  Trying out a new look, but not sure I like it.  Please bear with me as I may change it, may  keep it, may go back to what I had with some tweaks....I figure I'll sleep on it and see how I feel about it in the morning.  Who knew deciding on a blog background would be something I would agonize over, though I completely understand why I am doing it, and it makes sense to me. Thank you.

Save a Place For Me by Matthew West

I heard this song today and I felt the words were so perfect and what I needed to hear today, so I thought I would share them. Its a beautiful bittersweet song for me. I'm reminded of a time when someone told me that someone else who passed away left a legacy, why? because she was older when she passed? She had lived more than Lilly? I don't feel a child's age has anything to do with how much it hurts a parent to be without them.  

I know that we only had Lilly here for NINE MONTHS (in utero) SIX days FIVE hours and THIRTY minutes, and many may question how much did she really do, but because of what people have said about Lilly and what she did for them, I really feel she did so much more for so many others than I have ever done in my 29 years here.  This has been a hard week for me and I feel just that back and forth.  

My oldest son and I finally bought stuff to start our scrapbooks for Lilly and as I was explaining this I realized that this may be uncomfortable or sad for others to hear but this is our everyday lives now. Our "normal" if that's what you would like to call it.  We will never be where we were before and as much as I miss her and it breaks my heart that I can not hear touch or see her physically here with me, I wouldn't trade being her mother for the chance to no longer feel how much it hurts to miss her.

*hugs* to any reading who have lost a child or a loved one or even are supporting those who have suffered a great loss.  I know these words may have been sad to read. This is not a burden one wishes to bear, but I am proud to bear it and glad that Lilly was a part of my life no matter how brief, she mattered! They all matter!

Don't be mad
If I cry
It just hurts so bad, sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again

You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answers for another time
So instead I pray, with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here


I wanna live my life Just like you did
Make the most of my time Just like you did
And I want to make my home up in the sky Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there...
Until I get there...



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