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Sunday, February 28, 2016

Our Sixth Angel Day

It has been six years to the day that we said goodbye to Lilly. It has been a journey filled with highs and lows with me being at my best and me being at my worst.

Everything I have learned along the way I know has a purpose has a meaning. I may not be able to see it in the moment but I know I will in the future.

I had forgotten to trust and not resist His plan for me as a dear friend Sheila once taught me.

Lilly loved unconditionally and I aspire to live my life loving without condition just as she showed me and where I am not able to I am at least working on being kind.

Everyone deserves kindness in their life. You never know what journey anyone is walking. What they are going through and I feel the world needs a lot more kindness. I have seen such a lack of it myself included and I want to work on eradicating that from my life. 

Mother Teresa had a saying that I love to aspire to follow.  She said :  

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway

Missing her, that will never change so to the people in my life who respect my journey and know I do not blog or talk about her for attention, and who know I am grateful for the living children I have here with me. You all are more appreciated than there are words to express and you all each know who you are.

Thank you for everything! For your love and constant support. For not judging me or my journey. It means more you know and I could ever hope to express. ♡♡♡♡

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

I will never be 100% happy and that is OK

For those of you who think I am on some high horse or I think I am better than anyone. I am not. I know that I am far from perfect. That my life is far from perfect.

I love my life and would not trade it for the world but I will always miss one of my children and be sad that I don't get to hug her when she cries or read bedtime stories to her or hug her and Hold on to her wishing she would stay little. I will always wish she could have just stayed.

Don't get me wrong I am not bitter that I don't have her for I would never trade being her mother.  Just know that I don't think I am perfect. I don't think I am better than you. I know that I am far from it and all that I try to do is be worthy to be my children's mother everyday.

I hurt more than I will ever let anyone know because I want others to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy. It's a great amazing feeling. 

I know what it feels like to hurt so please know I would never intentionally hurt anyone but I do have to protect my own heart for its been through a lot.

I am human. I do get sad and that is ok.

For those of you who think I use losing my daughter to get attention that's ok too. I hope you never have to understand how so untrue that is.

I miss her every day and that will never change but I live my life so that I might honor her. I want all my children to be proud to call me their mom and not because I am "better" than someone else's mother but because I am better than the me I was the day before.

♡♡♡♡♡

Sunday, December 27, 2015

2015

This year has been a hard one for me.  Year five without Lilly had a lot of ups and downs.  For those of you who have been there for me this year and always, you know who you are and how much you mean to me. If you even think you are one of them please do not doubt it.  This is not meant to make those who have no idea what is going on in my life feel less important. I am sure your time will come to be there for me or someone else. Perhaps you have already been there for a dear friend.

I had almost forgotten all the lessons I learned in the little time Lilly was with us here on earth.  She taught me unconditional love. She welcomed everyone who came to see her without complaint despite the circumstances life handed her. She emanated pure love.

She inspired me to do the same. 

So despite the harshness this year has brought my heart I can see the joy through the sorrows and am grateful for it. I am not going to lie it has been hard, but I know the joy exists and will always be there no matter how hard it is to see.

I have to hold on to the joys in life because that is what helps me get through the sorrows. She gave me joy to help me remember how to get through the hard times without her.  

I also was reminded this year that my faith can get me through anything I just need not forget to turn to it .

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Kindergarten

She would have started school today. 

I can see how by my mentioning this to people, they may think I am taking away from her siblings milestones. If you truly know my heart you know that to be untrue.

Because they are alive does not mean her life, though brief, meant any less.  Because she is dead does not make my living children's milestones less important. If anything it makes their milestones that much more meaningful. 

I miss her so much I can't even breathe. I am sad she is missing out. I know some would say she is having a ball where she is. To be honest that doesn't help me even if I know it or feel it.

I have not been as loud about my grief as I used to be. It seems I am now seeing just how much people do not want to talk about infant death.  I understand I do.  Which is why I talk to the ones who are comfortable and supportive enough to hear me out so thank you for that you do more than you know.

Kindergarten is a milestone she will never experience and today I just want to feel the sadness that this brings.

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