Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Back to Hope

    I do not want to "use" my daughter's death as an excuse for bad behavior.  I've had hard years and those of you close to me know how hard those years were. Those of you living this same journey know first hand how hard outliving a child can be.

     I've been sensitive to things that normally would not have affected me at all and have not acted gracefully, with kindness nor compassion or understanding.

    I would like to thank those who have put up with my moods during the harder times I am sure it was not an easy task.  Thank you for showing me kindness and compassion when I so obviously did not deserve it.  Words can not convey how much it means to me.

    The first year after she passed away was the way I wish all of them to be.  There was a peace if you will that first year of living without Lilly, and I miss that.  

    I thought maybe blogging like I did then might help as over the years I have stepped away from it.  Perhaps it is time to return to blogging my feelings.

    I never wanted this blog I started for Lilly to be a place of negativity but honestly I am outliving a child,  how can there not be that.  However,  I do want it to be a space where I can use it to help build back up the hope I once felt even in the midst of her death.

    I will always feel pain, I will always miss her until the day I die.  I must accept that He did not take me instead of her for some reason I may never be meant to understand. All I know is this is the journey my life is on and I must make the best of even this.  Not in spite of her death, but in hopes to honor her short but beautiful existence.

Saturday, April 15, 2017


If anyone wants to make my life miserable trust me outliving a child does that.  So please know that no matter how happy I may appear there will always be sadness in my heart.  

Easter is the one holiday I did not get with Lilly. Though I am grateful for the ones I did get  it does not make the ones I did not spend with her, with all of us together, any easier.

If you want to cause me pain or heartache please know it exists in my everyday life. I live two sides of a coin everyday. Why ask me to live with more?

  I do not wish this on even my worst enemy and though I hide it well it is hard to live with at times.  

I would not trade having her for living without the pain.  As I have said several times before, the pain reminds me she was here. 

I will always wish I took her place, but that was not His plan.   I will always cry, always wonder, always talk about her.  

So please if you are wanting to hurt me please know I do hurt everyday.   I do not wish this pain on anyone and I do know how to feel joy through this sadness but there is always pain in missing her.

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Our Sixth Angel Day

It has been six years to the day that we said goodbye to Lilly. It has been a journey filled with highs and lows with me being at my best and me being at my worst.

Everything I have learned along the way I know has a purpose has a meaning. I may not be able to see it in the moment but I know I will in the future.

I had forgotten to trust and not resist His plan for me as a dear friend Sheila once taught me.

Lilly loved unconditionally and I aspire to live my life loving without condition just as she showed me and where I am not able to I am at least working on being kind.

Everyone deserves kindness in their life. You never know what journey anyone is walking. What they are going through and I feel the world needs a lot more kindness. I have seen such a lack of it myself included and I want to work on eradicating that from my life. 

Mother Teresa had a saying that I love to aspire to follow.  She said :  

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway

Missing her, that will never change so to the people in my life who respect my journey and know I do not blog or talk about her for attention, and who know I am grateful for the living children I have here with me. You all are more appreciated than there are words to express and you all each know who you are.

Thank you for everything! For your love and constant support. For not judging me or my journey. It means more you know and I could ever hope to express. ♡♡♡♡

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

I will never be 100% happy and that is OK

For those of you who think I am on some high horse or I think I am better than anyone. I am not. I know that I am far from perfect. That my life is far from perfect.

I love my life and would not trade it for the world but I will always miss one of my children and be sad that I don't get to hug her when she cries or read bedtime stories to her or hug her and Hold on to her wishing she would stay little. I will always wish she could have just stayed.

Don't get me wrong I am not bitter that I don't have her for I would never trade being her mother.  Just know that I don't think I am perfect. I don't think I am better than you. I know that I am far from it and all that I try to do is be worthy to be my children's mother everyday.

I hurt more than I will ever let anyone know because I want others to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy. It's a great amazing feeling. 

I know what it feels like to hurt so please know I would never intentionally hurt anyone but I do have to protect my own heart for its been through a lot.

I am human. I do get sad and that is ok.

For those of you who think I use losing my daughter to get attention that's ok too. I hope you never have to understand how so untrue that is.

I miss her every day and that will never change but I live my life so that I might honor her. I want all my children to be proud to call me their mom and not because I am "better" than someone else's mother but because I am better than the me I was the day before.



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