Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Prayer Request

I copied this from a dear friend Penny's blog.  This family is amazing and Melissa's blog for Amelia has truly been inspiring. I feel very blessed to know this family and to know dear sweet Amelia through her mother Melissa.  I keep this family very close to my heart.

I am asking that anyone who reads this today will take the time to pray for Melissa and Amelia. Melissa is a friend that I met online and her daugter Amelia has also been diagnosed with anencephlay. Her husband Tim and son Noah also need your prayers. They are schcedeuled for a c-section tomorrow. Please pray that God will surround them with his peace and comfort them. I am also praying that they get to spend lots of time with sweet Amelia. They are an amazing family-and Amelia is an amazing little baby.

"Lilly is home"

    Yesterday we all went to get our haircuts and the lady who was cutting our oldest daughter's hair asked her if she was the only girl and she said "No we have Lilly" no one asked where she was but the fact that she just thinks of Lilly as her sister and still does whether she is here or not just amazes me.  It melts my heart :)

   Today I went shopping for a baby shower gift.  I've been in the baby section so many times (as our youngest son is still in pull ups at night).  I have bought baby items during Easter for my soon to be arriving (any day now) nephew, so I have been in the baby aisle quite often since having had Lilly.  For some reason today was the first time I was almost overwhelmed with the bittersweetness of it all.  There were so many cute items for girls.  One thing that helps me get through it is I do have reasons to shop in that section just not for my own baby.  Another is those cute things were there before Lilly was born and there will be cute things long after I am gone.  Its funny what thoughts we use to help get us through.

    There was a onesie that said "born in 2010" and I just had to get it for my friend/coworker.  They had it in pink and blue.  I checked because Alanna is having a girl :)  I love babies and am excited for all babies.  I have held a 10 month old baby girl since having lost Lilly and have been around several babies. Yes it is bittersweet in that it is a reminder that my Lilly is not here with me, but at the same time I don't really need reminders as I live with this fact every single second of every single day.  And the joy surrounding other babies is a reminder of the joy I felt when Lilly was here in my arms and just the joy in being her mother.

   I had to pause in the section of blankets as I just had to breathe and compose myself so I didn't lose it in the middle of the store.  Next thing I know my eye scans over a pink blanket with butterflies on the edge.  I feel it was Lilly showing me she was with me (just a reminder she had a butterfly on the outfit she was wearing when she passed away and butterflies are very significant in my family as well).  I felt that she was telling me to buy Alanna's daughter (my niece) that blanket.  I have to go back and get the onesie and the blanket :)

   At the checkout line I heard a baby crying in the next aisle and there were actually two of them.  Twins! A boy and a girl.  I asked the mom how old and she said "5 months" and then I asked when were they born and she said "Feb 22" Lilly's birthday!!!  I told her "aw my youngest daughter was born on Feb 22" and she said "what a great day!" and I agreed.  It was a great day!!!!  One of the five greatest days in my life (one for my wedding day and one for each of my children's birthday)

    Our youngest son had asked to visit Lilly today but it did not work out to where we could but we will go tomorrow I told him.  He told me "I miss Lilly" words I hear so often and are bittersweet.  Sweet in the fact that they remember and love their sister.  They have not forgotten her.  Bitter in the fact that they miss her and there is nothing I can do to fix that.  I can only be there for them and hug them as we often do when they feel this way.

    To close the day I had a great conversation with our oldest daughter.  She is so young and yet she remembers such details about Lilly. They have been handling this all so well. They get sad like we do, but they also are happy and continue on while missing her at the same time.  Without prompting they talk about Lilly and they ask to visit her grave site often.  They are so resilient and inspiring.  They amaze me everyday!

    I will end with the very precious words from our oldest daughter; these words melted my heart and there's just not much more to add.  She said  "Lilly is home"

Friday, July 23, 2010

Link to Give Away

Hi all, just a quick post with a link to a giveaway I thought you may enjoy :)

Win some awesome Jewelry from Angie at Vivo Bello

Thursday, July 22, 2010

5 month mark #1

    So many emotions this week, that  I am feeling a bit exhausted bouncing back and forth through all the different emotions one can imagine.  Today started off rough and then went up from there.  I feel like my posts lately have had a sad tone to them, but I haven't felt sad all the time.  I usually vent about these sad and hard emotions here because I feel this is where I will find understanding and never ending support. That no matter how strong my emotions there is no judgment in that I am doing this wrong or that I am not doing well.  It is a place where I feel my sadness is welcome as much as my joy and that because I am sad does not mean that is all I am.

    Today the thoughts that occurred to me just briefly were she would have been on cereal last month and starting solid jar food by now.  I love the road to solid food, picking out which food to start her on first and then anticipating her reaction to the flavor we picked out.  I am not down about this, just thinking about how I will miss this milestone, but at the same time rejoicing in the joy that surrounded her when she was here in my belly and then in my arms.

    I have been struggling with how I want to know how to be there for my husband, so for those of you who are not sure how to be there for me, I feel you. I am not sure how to be there for him.  If there is anything I have learned from those of you who have been there for me who don't know how to be (and yes I have learned from you all) it is that just being there is enough.  That is all anyone can do for me, is just be and let me be me and grieve the way that I feel is right for me.  

   I do want to talk about the negative I was feeling this morning but only briefly.  It is hard to hear people tell me that I am strong.  I say the Lord gives me strength and I give Him all the credit.  But it is hard in that I feel that because people view me as strong that when they see me weep or what in their minds appear to be "weaknesses" then they just get angry at me.  Not on purpose and not intentionally.  I think people have a hard time seeing me upset and feeling helpless, I understand that.  But I do not believe that crying is a weakness or that it means I am less "strong" than you see me.  So sometimes it hurts to hear "you are strong" so thank you to Dianne for listening and humoring me when you said  "You are not strong" and thank you also to Sherry for listening to me as always and to everyone who has been there to support and help guide me to be a better person.

   I love learning and growing and trying to be as good a person as I can be.  I am very hard on myself and am really trying to work on that.  I just feel validated when other people agree with my criticisms of myself.  I get frustrated with myself and I know that I have gotten better at it since having had Lilly, but there are times where I get in my own way.  There is so much that I feel I have learned throughout my 29 years and I feel there is so much more to learn.

    I would like to end this post with lyrics to a song that I feel is perfect in how I am feeling right now.  It is a beautiful song and I always am waiting to hear this on the radio on my way to or from work.


Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling, 
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling, 
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Danny Gokey, I Will Not Say Goodbye

  This song epitomizes how I feel.  Thank you Alanna for sending them to me.  I took the time to listen to the song and its amazing.

Danny Gokey, I Will Not Say Goodbye Lyrics

Artist: Gokey Danny
Song: I Will Not Say Goodbye
Album: My Best Days

It changes everything you've been
And all that's left to be
Is empty, lonely, broken, hopin'
I'm supposed to be strong
I'm supposed to find a way to carry on

I don't wanna feel better
I don't wanna not remember
I will always see your face
In the shadows of this haunted place
I will laugh
I will cry
Shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say goodbye

They keep saying time will heal
But the pain just gets more real
The sun comes up each day
Finds me waiting, fading, hating, praying
If I can keep on holding on
Maybe I can keep my heart from knowing that you're gone

Cause I don't wanna feel better
I don't wanna not remember
I will always see your face
In the shadows of this haunted place
I will laugh
I will cry
Shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say goodbye

I will curse
I will pray
I'll relive everyday
I will shelter the blame
I'll shout out your name

I will laugh
I will cry
Shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say
Will not say goodbye
I will not say goodbye
Will not say ooooohhhhh

Monday, July 19, 2010

Marvelous Monday #3

In Rachel's Words

Marvelous Mondays were created to help me start to look at the positives, rather than the negatives. I started them so I would take a moment each week to take a step back and see what I do have, rather than what I do not. I chose Mondays because who are we kidding...don't we all hate Mondays? We have all lost something or have something missing from our lives. It could be a loved one, a job, your home, your heart...

For me, it was my children, Jaxon, Colin and Courtney who were taken from me when they were way too small. It is also the lack of ability to conceive and carry another child in my womb. The constant pain in my heart is numbing and life altering. I am "trying" (trying being the key word) to be positive and look for "good" in life. 

    Here is my second post on a Monday.  This happened last time I participated in Marvelous Monday.  =) Today I am thankful for my amazing boss Sheila!!! She is a great woman with an amazing heart who without hesitation goes  above and beyond the call of duty for her employees.  She has always been there for me and my family and I feel for each of her employees as well.  I am so blessed to have her in my life and I find it amazing how it worked out to where God brought her into my life.  I feel like I do not thank her enough, but she is always close to my heart.  She has done so much for me and my family ever since I started working for her and she was there for us through our journey with Lilly.  She never lets me feel sorry for myself and she is such a caring individual.  If she can make it happen, she will do everything in her power to make it so.  Words are not enough to express my gratitude to Sheila.  So today I am thankful for my boss!!!

Thoughts on venting

     I have said in my last post that I would not trade having Lilly for freedom from this pain and if giving up this pain means never having her then I welcome the pain. So why do I vent about things that have hurt me?  Because I am human and this is for me to feel healthy in the best way I can,  there is no harm in that.  This helps me as best as I can be helped in surviving my Lilly.    Because I vent does not take away from my love for Lilly.  It does not take anything away from how much her life means to me still to this day and every future day.

    I vent for a release, a pause from these type of emotions otherwise they will just build up and fester and rot inside me.  Internalizing is not healthy for me.  Purging my emotions through words helps me heal as best I can.  I will heal to a certain extent, I feel that is inevitable, however I will never fully recover.  I will remain changed for the rest of my life.  I don't plan on moving on, just moving through and forward through life with this cross with which I have been chosen to bear.

    My emotional waves may become further apart but the intensity as I feel them will never be nullified.  I do not want to forget Lilly ever, not even for a second.  I do not want time to simplify my grief.  I do not think it gets easier just maybe more manageable.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Keep Holding On

    Its been such an emotional week for me with lots of "hard moments".  I was sick with strep this week and as I was talking to the Dr. about Lilly I cried.  This was the first time that I had broken into hard tears while talking about her.  I had to pause because the tears were overwhelming.  I cry now as I type this.  I had a rough moment last night and had to put my tears to the side because there was something that needed to be done.

    Last night our oldest son asked to visit Lilly today and the thought this morning just occurred to me.  Keep in mind that I understand everyone has things to vent about in their lives about things that are very important to them.  But this morning the thought that occurred to me was this is my life.  My life is my kids asking to go visit their sister at her grave site.   My life is missing my youngest child 24/7 and not being able to hold her.  Not that I am complaining as I've said before the pain is worth it.  I would not trade having Lilly for freedom from this pain.  If giving up this pain means never having her then I welcome the pain.

    The point of this post is I had several women think of me and send me emails today and it was just perfect timing.  I believe God uses each of us and works through us as well.  I just want to say thank you to Alanna, Kim, Alicia, and Jennifer for today.  Kim, Alicia, and Jennifer you all sent messages to me that I needed to read today.  Alanna thank you for allowing me just to be me and grieve and cry even though you have not gone through this yourself you are an amazing and patient friend.  I am so thankful that God brought all you women to me especially today.

   The song "Keep Holding On" by Avril Lavigne that I have playing on this blog speaks true to how much you all have helped me.  I may not be able to get through this alone, but I don't think I am meant to.  Today I was reminded of that.  I am sorry to all you ladies who walk this journey with me knowing what it feels like having experienced your own losses.  This journey is a rough one, but it helps on the days when those moments hit the hardest to know that we are not alone.  So thank you from the bottom of my heart to ALL of you who have shared this journey with me.  I have met some amazing women with such big hearts along the way and I am forever grateful and humbled for that.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Fourth of July

    Another family get together since Lilly passed away.  It was an amazing and fun day spent with my kids and my nephews and my in laws.  A day filled with many activities including water balloon and water gun fights, laughter, sparklers, and cupcakes.  So much in one day and when it was all said and done, as I sat on the couch next to my husband, was when I had my moment.  Jim asked me if I was alright and I told him that I was having a moment.  I teared up and held his hand and was prepared to go to the bathroom to have a cry (we were at my SIL).  The moment passed but it was a hard moment and I could feel the tears welling up and my throat tightening.  I miss her so much and will always have these "moments" as I refer to them.  It is hard in that I feel during the moment that it will never end and the pain will be that unbearable forever and in a way it will.  The pain of losing Lilly will ALWAYS be unbearable, and I feel it is just the intensity of how hard these moments will hit me that will come and go throughout the rest of my life.  Some "moments" will be harder than others.

    This week I will only have one of my children with me as the older two are visiting with Grandma and Paw Paw.  I know this week will be difficult as this is the first time since Lilly passed away that I have been separated from them.  I will have many moments this week, in fact I'm surprised I am doing as well as I am but I think my anticipation lessens the actual reaction for me.  It also helps that I do have one of my children with me.

    I have always felt that though I have had my moments that I am doing OK in that I am allowing myself the freedom to grieve the best way I know how which is right for me.  I also give all the credit to God in that I have leaned on him a LOT.  I was given a gift for my birthday; a tiny frame with this saying

"God does not give us what we can handle, He helps us handle what we are given"

  These words are perfect and I am so glad that they made their way into my life and I thank you Rhonda for that.  I believe that God has truly helped us and I do not know how I would be doing without His strength and guidance and unconditional love.


Friday, July 2, 2010

Will Catch Up

    Hello!  I just wanted to let you all know that I am still around.  I plan on catching up on blogs all next week so you will see me around.  I apologize that I have been gone for a bit.  I can't really explain why, I think it just got super busy and I was super tired.  I was falling asleep earlier.  I think I was staying too busy and it all finally caught up with me.

  Happy 4th of July to everyone and I hope you have a happy and safe weekend!  Many hugs and you all are always in my thoughts.

love and prayers


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