Monday, December 8, 2014

Always will

I am always going to miss her. Its always going to hurt.

As much happiness and joy in this life I will always have a hint of pain in her not being here.

These thoughts are everyday, every moment. Bittersweet moments. Always.

That being said. I still want her life to be bigger than her death and my way in doing that is living my life to the best of my ability. Spending time with loved ones over chores that can be done when they go to bed. There will always be time to clean. There will not always be time to hug or talk to a loved one, a child.

I want to show kindness and compassion especially when its hard. Isn't that when they say it counts the most. Its so hard though but I try again every time I fail. And I do fail, for those of you who think I don't know that please know I know I fail because I accept that I am human and were meant to fail in order to learn.

For those of you who think I think I am better than you, please know that is far from the truth. I only try to be the person I want to aspire to be. I want to lead by example so its not personal in any way.

Please know just because I accept that I fail it does not mean that I want my nose rubbed in my mistakes every time I make them.

Please also know I bleed. I cry. I hurt. Just like you. I smile but that doesn't mean my life has no pain. I lost a child. It should be obvious my life has more pain than thankfully some of you will never know as parents.

The holidays made me more emotional before Lilly was born so her not being here just adds another type of emotion to it.  I love this time of year. Celebrating peace. Love. Jesus.

Mostly love.

As much as i love this time of year I still miss her. I will always miss her. But most importantly I LOVE her.

Love to me is what gets me through so I focus on that. I focus on my relationship with God even though I have been failing at that lately too.

I focus on loving those here with me because I never know when my or their last breath will be. If anything Lilly has taught me there are more important things than my pride, my house looking like its never been lived in, winning the argument.

Through all this I am always missing her. Living my life, but will always miss her.

I apologize for all the jumping around but I had to get all this out. Have had this on my heart.


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