Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Dark day...

*** I wrote this on Lilly's birthday. It was a tough one for me this year and I thought I had published it. I am posting this as is without editing.

First off let me say that some of this is gonna sound selfish.  And I am at peace with that because this is my space to feel free to say what is on my heart in relation to a life lived without Lilly. 

This has definitely been a difficult birthday for me.  I spent a lot of Monday in tears. I left work early and drove to the cemetery to visit her and had a good cry.  Then I headed to the church but it was locked so I ended up at a lake.  I sat on a swinging bench just basking in the beauty that is nature. 

I spent most of Tuesday in bed just not finding the strength to pull myself up.  I was in a dark place and yes I was feeling sorry for myself and I feel moments of that are allowable and should be expected for one who has lost a child.  I also feel I know what I can take and I knew I didn't need any outside pressures on top of the pain in my heart I was already experiencing so me lying in bed watching re runs was all I could take.  I feel I have to have those moments where its just about how I feel because for those of you who have not lost a child believe me when I say those moments are much needed. Those of you who can only imagine how losing a child feels its that and ten times a million more painful than you can fathom.

I have struggled with myself with guilt mostly. Guilt of letting others down by choosing to take these moments these last couple of days. While I expect difficult and dark moments to happen it still hits me. In some small way its like seeing someone about to punch you and you brace for impact and know the pain is coming but you never really can prepare for the impact. Only with a punch coming your way (unless someone comes from behind and sucker punches you) there is a slight moment of preparing for impact. Well with waves of grief while I know they are coming it doesn't make it less painful and there is no bracing for impact. We call them waves because they come over you and then you have to kick like hell to get to the surface and catch your breath and for those of you who have ever been hit by a wave and swallowed under water know that's not an easy task.

For me when I feel this way I limit interaction with anything or anyone I feel in my perception which of course is my reality (told you I was gonna be selfish in this post) are holding my head under the water so to speak unintentional or otherwise.  I say that because intentional or not it still hurts and when you are in this dark place of grief that I speak of you don't need anyone or anything putting salt on an unhealed wound.  And I feel people might misunderstand. I don't mean we have more of a right to be sad than the next person.  Pain is pain, it hurts and we all have a right to feel as we do. What I am saying is I just want the same right as anyone else and sometimes I don't have room for anything else but to be sad. My daughter is dead can you really blame me for wanting moments of selfishness.

There are those who miss Lilly and remember her daily with us and I love that we can share our memories and our thoughts about Lilly. I am grateful in ways words may never express.  We have had such a great support system starting for me with God.

There have been moments throughout this journey where I felt it was so dark and God has given me lights to help me find my way out of the muddy and slippery pit of grief. 

People have said we have a great support system and we do and I don't take that for granted.

I also can't imagine going through this without God.  I feel He is my strongest supporter whether I always know it or not. 

Knowing He is with me has helped me even in my darkest moments.  Just accepting His unconditional love for me helps me to always know that no matter how dark it gets, with Him there is always Hope.

I am reminded of a quote I heard a little bit after we buried Lilly's vessel. "God never promised us a road filled without strife. But in our darkest moments it is important to remember that He did promise to never abandon us." I have never forgotten that and I feel that along with the support system we have been fortunate to have I know there is always a light at the end of the tunnel or a hand to help me out of the pit.

I wouldn't trade a single second of her nine months in utero and six days, five hours, and thirty minutes on earth for not having the pain of not having her here with me.

I recently heard that if to love and have your heart broken means "tragedy", then give me "tragedy" I agree if not having this pain means losing Lilly in the sense that she never existed, I would rather live with this pain. Because with this pain there is still Love :)

I also feel we wouldn't know love without pain. We would take it for granted, take the ones we love for granted if we didn't feel that they at any moment could disappear from our world.  I truly believe one cannot exist without the other.

And if to know true love is to know pain then I welcome love with open arms.


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