Pages

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

October 27, 2010 - one year ago tomorrow

    It will be a year ago that we were making phone calls.  Everyone knew we were going for a specialist visit due to my bloodwork and the AFP levels coming back positive.  I was instructed not to worry, that it was very common to have a false positive.  Still I was worried.  I always felt something was wrong with our baby's head.  For some reason, I knew it was going to be something in that area. 
   
    I will always be grateful to our ultrasound technician as she was very good to us.  She described every detail of her little body, and in giving us the most exciting news that we were having our 2nd little girl!  I secretly have always wanted two girls and two boys, that being said I would have been happy either way.  I had a strong feeling she would be a girl.  Our ultrasound tech was also good to us in that she told us that there was indeed an issue that the Dr. would discuss with us, but her tone was calm and unalarming. She gave us no indication as to the severity of the "issue" and it never occured to us to ask.  In hindsight, we both remember the way Lilly's profile looked and that there was something off and how the ultrasound tech kept going back to her head over and over again.  We never saw the round profile we were used to seeing.  It was almost like our not noticing was protecting us, allowing us to linger in our blissful ignorant happiness for just a little while longer.  Because not long after, the world we knew was about to be changed forever.
   
    We were lead back to the waiting room and instructed that that Dr. would call us back in a few moments.  We were scared of the unknown, of what was to come but felt we could handle whatever came our way, as long as the news was not fatal we would be OK.  We knew after we got the call about my bloodwork that we were willing to handle anything.  Anything but what happened next.
   
    The Dr. called us and brought us back into his office.  I vaguely remember most of what was said but the words "anencephaly" and "incompatible with life" seem to stick out the most in my memory.  I have come to learn the words "incompatible with life" seem to be the most common words used to give the news to parents of babies with this condition.  Most of the words after that flew over my head, as one who has not experienced can only imagine, it was a lot to take in.  The Dr. compassionately described to us that a portion of our baby's skull and skin were missing and that meant that the brain could not form properly.  I can not even begin to understand how a Dr. who had to deliver the unfortunate news to two strangers that their baby was not going to live was feeling, but I am now and will remain grateful for his compassion and kindness in how he chose to deliver the news.
   
    If in that moment in that unfamiliar office I remember one thing, its the first clear thought that ran through my mind after the Dr. had explained several choices we could make.  It was right after he informed us that some couples chose to abort their babies.  The thought to which I am referring to seemed to come from out of nowhere, but it was strong and clear and it did not seem possible in that moment, but it was.  "I am going to keep you" I was saying this in my head to my unborn child.  This is the path laid out before me and I did not hesitate to decide.  I told God "Ok, this is the path you have laid out before me. I will walk it."
   
    I can say I do not know where this courage came from in that moment, but that would not be the truth.  I know it came from Him.  I felt God in that moment more than I had in my life.  Granted some may call it shock and that is fine with me.  I can say I know how I felt in that moment and He was there.  He always is and will be.
   
    We asked a couple of "what if" questions and the Dr. answered with great patience and in the best way possible.  He explained that most did not live long after birth if they survived labor.  Most passed away in utero and were stillborn.  He was gracious though, not once trying to push us one way or the other on what decision should be made.

    We said our goodbyes and left his office.  We were already teary eyed, but as we drove off we started to really cry, and then we started to call everyone.  My mom and dad took the news the same way that Jim and I did which I appreciated.  Thank God for them!
   
    I called work and let my coworker Pam know and asked if she could deliver the news to everyone at work for me.  I did not even think how hard that must have been for her.  She told me how sorry she was.  Her words meant so much to me.  I was glad that she did not cry because that would have set me off again. 
Shortly after this phone call my boss Sheila called me with a very positive story which I appreciated very much.  She has truly been a blessing in my life. 
  
    Earlier that day we had received news that my husband's cousin was in a coma and they did not know the reason or even if he would survive.  So needless to say, we were not looking forward to making the phone call to my in-laws.  I asked my husband to deliver the news to his mother.  I knew she would cry and I could not handle her tears at that moment for I knew I would crumble.  I did call my sister in law Sarah.  Her exact words "what a s****y day" as she cried for us and said she was so sorry.  I got off the phone with her rather quickly because her tears were too much for me to handle at that point.
  
    Calling Alanna was hard, she cried with me which meant a lot.  I get choked up just thining of my conversation with her.  We did start off our phone calls with the good news first "were having a girl!" followed by "but she most likely won't live long after birth if she makes it to her due date."
   
    I told Jim I just wanted to be with the kids.  I just needed to be around them, I knew that for sure, so we picked up the new Tinkerbell movie and went home to spend time with them.  We were home with the movie playing when the doorbell rang.  I can't recall for sure, but I believe Jim opened the door, but then I recall myself opening the door.  Either way it turned out to be Lynsey and Pam, my coworkers and dear friends.  They had the pizza and sodas I mentioned in an earlier post.  This simple gesture meant so much to us.  At this point we had not yet told the kids so not much was said because we were in their presence. 
   
    I was off the rest of the week by chance and Jim's work gave him time off to be with me so we spent them in a daze.  Jim's parents told us they could drive down to see us and I took them up on their offer.  We spent most of the day in silence and when we talked it was about everyday life topics.  There was a moment of disccussion about the choice we had to make and that they would support us either way, no matter what we decided.  Jim and I had both already decided internally we would not be choosing abortion.  We do feel this is a personal choice, one that we wish no parent, let alone anyone would have to make for their loved one.  Its a difficult choice and a personal one that can only be made according to each person and should not be judged.  For us, abortion was not right for us.  At first I was under the impression that they both wanted us to choose abortion, but that was the day after and my rationale was not quite what it should be.  Now looking back I realize that they were just trying to show us their support.   
    
    Its a difficult situation to have been faced with and still can be.  Instead of remembering this just as the day we were told our daughter was going to die, I also and more importantly would like to remember that this was the day we found out we were having another girl! A year marks the day that we found out we were having a second daughter! A year ago today we got to see Lilly up close and personal, and alive! in the womb.  We were told the four chambers of her heart were perfect, along with her spine.  A year ago marks a time when we were surrounded by such compassion and love that is very hard to find in the world now a days and I am still amazed and overwhelmed by it all. 

   A couple months after receiving the news, I went out and bought Steven Curtis Chapman's new CD "Beauty Will Rise" which was inspired and written due to his losing a daughter of his own.  This is one of my favorites.  It describes how I felt then, and still feel today.

Faithful by Steven Curtis Chapman


I am broken, I am bleeding,
I'm scared and I'm confused,
but You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I am weary, unbelieving.
God please help my unbelief!
Cuz You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.

I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.

You are faithful!
You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe
You are faithful.

I am waiting for the rescue
that I know is sure to come,
cuz You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I've dropped anchor in Your promises,
and I am holding on,
cuz You are faithful.
God You are faithful.


I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.

You are faithful!

You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful.

So faithful...

Though I cannot have the answer
that I'm wanting to demand,
I'll remember You are God
and everything is in Your hand.
In Your hands you hold the sun, the moon,
the stars up in the sky,
for the sake of Love, You hung Your own Son
on the cross...to die...

You are faithful...
Yes, You are faithful...
When you give and when You take away,
even then, great is Your faithfulness!
Great is Your faithfulness!

And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful!
Oh, oh, oh...
Oh, oh, oh...
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe...

...You're faithful...

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Grieving vs Obsession and some ramblings

   I believe some people misconstrue my grieving as obsession.  If they want to define my thinking about all my children (living and deceased) every day as obsession, then I am guilty as charged. Do I talk about my grief, absolutely, but I think people fail to notice I also talk about my life and my living children's accomplishments as well as milestone moments.  This blog was specifically started in Lilly's name and I find it has been therapeutic in a way, my main topic of discussion will be my journey and growth through learning to live my life without one of my children.  It is also a way for me to keep my daughter's memory alive.

  I talk about all four of my children daily and just as much.  With my living children, there are new occurrences and milestones everyday.  As they grow there will be more stories.  My grief and joy are intertwined with how Lilly's story will grow and change.  There are days where something occurs where I feel she is right there with me, and I talk about those occurrences with those who are willing to listen.

  I understand that not everyone wants to talk about a "dead baby" or about death for that matter.  To me when a person dies, we celebrate their life, however long or short it may have been.  No one's life is any less important regardless of how little or how long they have lived.  Every life matters, every life is important.

  As a parent before loss I thought about my children everyday, all the time.  Nothing has changed, I think about all my children all the time.  To me EACH one of my children is as important as the other.  I love them all equally.  They are all different and have different personalities and I love them for that among MILLIONS of other reasons.  So again, if all this is considered obsession then I am guilty as charged.  I do know that this type of grief can become overwhelming just as any emotion can, but it is a very different kind of overwhelming emotion.  And it is an emotion that I have just recently come into contact with so again I am still learning how to live with this.  I have no choice, this is my cross to bear and I am willing to bear it proudly but it can be difficult at times.  I think we as humans are very resilient and I believe that the Almighty has been helping me along the way, because I truly do not know how else I could do this.  I would be lost without Him.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Here I Am

"Here I Am"

This is a crazy world
These can be lonely times
It's hard to know who's on your side
Most of the time

Who can you really trust 
Who do you really know
Is there anybody out there 
Who can make you feel less alone
Some times you just can't make it on your own

If you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
I'll always be your friend

When you need some shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, hmmm

If you have broken dreams
Just lay them all on me
I'll be the one who understands
So take my hand

If you reach emptyness

You know I'll do my best
To fill you up with all the love
That I can show someone
I promise you you'll never walk alone

Well if you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
I'll always be your friend

When you need some shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, oooo

Everybody needs somebody who
keep a heart and soul in two

Well if you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
I'll always be your friend

When you need some shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, Here I am 




   I wanted to write about something that has been weighing on my heart for the past four weeks.  I have found that grieving can feel like a very lonely road at times, and when you feel abandoned and alone on top of missing a piece of yourself the pain can become overwhelming during those times.


   Don't get me wrong, there have been people who have come into my life to counter my feeling abandoned.  I of course always feel thought of with my fellow baby loss mothers, for I know they unfortunately understand this lonely and painful part of grieving.  There have also been those constants since the beginning who check in on me from time to time, just letting me know they have not forgotten Lilly or my family.  


   I find it nice when someone close to me can accept the new me.  I am not the same "me" that I once was, I can not be.  I can not expect myself to lose a child and remain unchanged. The part of me which is feeling abandoned has been in regards to my feeling that others close to me are finding it hard to accept the new me, the me that is now and forever a part of as Angie Smith put it "the sacred dance of Grief and Joy".


    I have the song to Leona Lewis' Here I am playing in the background as well as the lyrics posted in this blog entry.  These words have been really close to my heart and I feel the words in this song describe best what I am needing from a friend out there.    


   There is one person in my life who has stuck out lately that has comforted me in my feeling abandoned (as far as friends go) and that person  is my SIL Sarah.  Though she has not always said the right thing, she has listened to me and I feel she has heard all that I have said and all that I have told her I needed and has adapted.  In other words, she has grown and changed with me.  Just as I must adapt to this new world with my new view, she has adapted to my clumsiness in finding my place again.  The world I live in has remained unchanged in other's eyes, but not in my own.  


   Have Sarah and I had our ups and downs, absolutely! Will we have plenty more, definitely! I have been hurt unintentionally on her part numerous times since Lilly passed away.  The reason I feel we have survived is because she allows me to be oversensitive to things and does not attack me even though she is hurt by not saying the right thing or not knowing what she can do for me.  She has truly followed my lead.  She really expects me not to be anything but oversensitive and has stated in her own words "How can she not".  She and I seem to have a mutual compassion for one another as far as when she hurts me whether unintentional majority of the time or not she apologizes,  and I apologize to her for my reactions due to my being oversensitive.  She understands that sometimes I just can not help my over sensitive heart and understands that this is pain, beyond what she can ever imagine.  


  She understands that when I say someone has hurt me unintentionally it means that I know their heart and intentions are in the right place but that I need to express the hurt I feel because honestly, I only have room right now in my heart for only one kind of hurt as I am still in the beginner's session of my dance with grief and joy


   Sarah allows me room to step on her feet as I learn these very unfamiliar and sometimes uncomfortable steps.  Its what I feel I as a new dancer need in order to regain my bearings in this world.  She understands that I am not always going to be graceful, sane, or even rational at times.  Tell me when is anyone ever 100% rational?  I am human, I am going to stumble and fall.  Losing a child is not some everyday event "trial" or "tribulation" its not comparable to "hormones" (although those do not help either :P) or even a "bad day"


   I know stressful, I know busy, and tired, I know "bad days".  I know all the "normal" everyday human emotions as I have experienced all those just as anyone else has.  I have been pregnant and worked and been tired and stressed.  I feel like sometimes people want me to make excuses for them which is fine of course we all have our moments, but then when its my turn its "too much" or they don't know how to respond to that.  I don't know how to respond to what I am dealing with sometimes, thus the term overwhelming.


   The thing is, I am not trying to get anyone to feel as I do, nor do I expect anyone to understand what I am experiencing while learning my new dance in life,  its not for them to do so. I am merely asking for patience and compassion, which I understand is a LOT to ask of someone who has their own lives, and own trials and tribulations and bad days to deal with.  If I hurt you I will of course apologize as that is not my intention, but it does not feel good when it is not reciprocated.  I simply ask if you can not give me what I ask, if it is too much to ask, then please get out of my way.  As harsh as that is, I am in no way trying to hurt you.  Just merely stating that if my stepping on your toes as a grieving mother is too much for you, I truly understand.  The emotion of joy and grief is as I said at times overwhelming for myself to feel so believe me when I say I understand.  At the same time, please understand when I step on your toes by being too oversensitive to what you say you are tripping me during my dance when you say that it is too much for you.  I am also not asking you to dance along with me, just allow me the space to learn my new dance.  For I have to make my dance routine up as I go, and I have to do this on my own, but I am never alone for God is with me even when you can not be there for me.  


    Please also understand that I am in no way depreciating the value of anyone feeling everyday emotions for I still have those as well.  I can be compassionate to those feelings of course. I am merely asking for equal footing and for you to take me as I am.  I completely understand if you can not.  For though there is grief there is joy so much joy.  I have not, nor will I ever forget the joy of holding Lilly those sweet 9 months 6 days, 5 hours, and thirty minutes, as well as the joy in knowing that she is well taken care of.  Is it painful to be without her, yes of course, I would be lying if I denied that.  But there is so much joy as well.  Its two sides of the same coin and I feel one can not exist without the other.  




   

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails