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Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Here I Am

"Here I Am"

This is a crazy world
These can be lonely times
It's hard to know who's on your side
Most of the time

Who can you really trust 
Who do you really know
Is there anybody out there 
Who can make you feel less alone
Some times you just can't make it on your own

If you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
I'll always be your friend

When you need some shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, hmmm

If you have broken dreams
Just lay them all on me
I'll be the one who understands
So take my hand

If you reach emptyness

You know I'll do my best
To fill you up with all the love
That I can show someone
I promise you you'll never walk alone

Well if you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
I'll always be your friend

When you need some shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, oooo

Everybody needs somebody who
keep a heart and soul in two

Well if you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
I'll always be your friend

When you need some shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, Here I am 




   I wanted to write about something that has been weighing on my heart for the past four weeks.  I have found that grieving can feel like a very lonely road at times, and when you feel abandoned and alone on top of missing a piece of yourself the pain can become overwhelming during those times.


   Don't get me wrong, there have been people who have come into my life to counter my feeling abandoned.  I of course always feel thought of with my fellow baby loss mothers, for I know they unfortunately understand this lonely and painful part of grieving.  There have also been those constants since the beginning who check in on me from time to time, just letting me know they have not forgotten Lilly or my family.  


   I find it nice when someone close to me can accept the new me.  I am not the same "me" that I once was, I can not be.  I can not expect myself to lose a child and remain unchanged. The part of me which is feeling abandoned has been in regards to my feeling that others close to me are finding it hard to accept the new me, the me that is now and forever a part of as Angie Smith put it "the sacred dance of Grief and Joy".


    I have the song to Leona Lewis' Here I am playing in the background as well as the lyrics posted in this blog entry.  These words have been really close to my heart and I feel the words in this song describe best what I am needing from a friend out there.    


   There is one person in my life who has stuck out lately that has comforted me in my feeling abandoned (as far as friends go) and that person  is my SIL Sarah.  Though she has not always said the right thing, she has listened to me and I feel she has heard all that I have said and all that I have told her I needed and has adapted.  In other words, she has grown and changed with me.  Just as I must adapt to this new world with my new view, she has adapted to my clumsiness in finding my place again.  The world I live in has remained unchanged in other's eyes, but not in my own.  


   Have Sarah and I had our ups and downs, absolutely! Will we have plenty more, definitely! I have been hurt unintentionally on her part numerous times since Lilly passed away.  The reason I feel we have survived is because she allows me to be oversensitive to things and does not attack me even though she is hurt by not saying the right thing or not knowing what she can do for me.  She has truly followed my lead.  She really expects me not to be anything but oversensitive and has stated in her own words "How can she not".  She and I seem to have a mutual compassion for one another as far as when she hurts me whether unintentional majority of the time or not she apologizes,  and I apologize to her for my reactions due to my being oversensitive.  She understands that sometimes I just can not help my over sensitive heart and understands that this is pain, beyond what she can ever imagine.  


  She understands that when I say someone has hurt me unintentionally it means that I know their heart and intentions are in the right place but that I need to express the hurt I feel because honestly, I only have room right now in my heart for only one kind of hurt as I am still in the beginner's session of my dance with grief and joy


   Sarah allows me room to step on her feet as I learn these very unfamiliar and sometimes uncomfortable steps.  Its what I feel I as a new dancer need in order to regain my bearings in this world.  She understands that I am not always going to be graceful, sane, or even rational at times.  Tell me when is anyone ever 100% rational?  I am human, I am going to stumble and fall.  Losing a child is not some everyday event "trial" or "tribulation" its not comparable to "hormones" (although those do not help either :P) or even a "bad day"


   I know stressful, I know busy, and tired, I know "bad days".  I know all the "normal" everyday human emotions as I have experienced all those just as anyone else has.  I have been pregnant and worked and been tired and stressed.  I feel like sometimes people want me to make excuses for them which is fine of course we all have our moments, but then when its my turn its "too much" or they don't know how to respond to that.  I don't know how to respond to what I am dealing with sometimes, thus the term overwhelming.


   The thing is, I am not trying to get anyone to feel as I do, nor do I expect anyone to understand what I am experiencing while learning my new dance in life,  its not for them to do so. I am merely asking for patience and compassion, which I understand is a LOT to ask of someone who has their own lives, and own trials and tribulations and bad days to deal with.  If I hurt you I will of course apologize as that is not my intention, but it does not feel good when it is not reciprocated.  I simply ask if you can not give me what I ask, if it is too much to ask, then please get out of my way.  As harsh as that is, I am in no way trying to hurt you.  Just merely stating that if my stepping on your toes as a grieving mother is too much for you, I truly understand.  The emotion of joy and grief is as I said at times overwhelming for myself to feel so believe me when I say I understand.  At the same time, please understand when I step on your toes by being too oversensitive to what you say you are tripping me during my dance when you say that it is too much for you.  I am also not asking you to dance along with me, just allow me the space to learn my new dance.  For I have to make my dance routine up as I go, and I have to do this on my own, but I am never alone for God is with me even when you can not be there for me.  


    Please also understand that I am in no way depreciating the value of anyone feeling everyday emotions for I still have those as well.  I can be compassionate to those feelings of course. I am merely asking for equal footing and for you to take me as I am.  I completely understand if you can not.  For though there is grief there is joy so much joy.  I have not, nor will I ever forget the joy of holding Lilly those sweet 9 months 6 days, 5 hours, and thirty minutes, as well as the joy in knowing that she is well taken care of.  Is it painful to be without her, yes of course, I would be lying if I denied that.  But there is so much joy as well.  Its two sides of the same coin and I feel one can not exist without the other.  




   

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