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Wednesday, September 22, 2010

7 months since her birth

    Today marks the seventh month since Lilly's birthday and it has been the hardest yet. It started off with listening to a song in the car that set the waterworks a flowing. I walked into work unable to compose myself. Thank you to those that comforted me today, I really do appreciate it more than you know. Its nice not to have a reaction that makes me feel worse than I already am feeling. Its nice to know that even though to others enough time has passed for them to "move on" for me it has only been seven months and yes emphasis on the "only been" you see time seems to stand still when you are a grieving parent. Every moment, every step at a time is all I can live by these days, and can you blame me? Usually the weeks leading up to the 22nd and the 28th are the most difficult in the month, but I am back to mornings being so hard that I stay up late just to avoid them. Its like being punched in the stomach and when I wake up all the air is sucked out and I'm slowly trying to get it all back in.

    My tears today were strong, but they were happy tears. I felt Lilly with me this morning and that is truly a blessing and I love when I feel her close to me. Sometimes I feel she is so far away and the memories of her are somewhat starting to fade and so when I feel her, its just amazing and I savor every moment. There is such an elation when I feel her this close trying to send me messages saying I am still here mommy.

    I was reading a fellow blogger Jill's blog today dedicated to her babies Emma and Chase and in her post she was discussing how babies being saved and going home just makes her feel happy and I agreed with her. I think some people have a hard time understanding how I can be happy for those women that get to keep their babies while we lost Lilly.  

   This morning the song I was listening to that gave me the impression that Lilly was sending me a message was that yes this cross to bear is difficult and can be overbearing at times, but I can make it through this.  It made me feel I could in some way relate to the pain God felt as they crucified his son, and God knew this would happen though he sent Jesus to us anyway. This song put into perspective that my pain is nothing compared to that of our Lord or that of Jesus as he was nailed and crucified that fateful day.  Where Jeremy Camp sings of Jesus' disgrace it hit a chord as far as lots of grieving families feel forced to sweep their emotions under the rug because others can not bear to see them hurting.  Like its OUR fault they can not fix this.  The people that love and care for us want to help and sometimes get frustrated that they can not they end up unintentionally taking their frustrations out on us.  I have told others what I need from them, acceptance.  I have accepted that this is my cross to bear, and though painful at times, I bear it proudly.  I am not asking anyone to grieve along with me, I would not wish this pain on another living soul, just allow me to do that.  Allow me the right to cry for my daughter, allow me the right to be angry at times, bitter, even oversensitive.  It is enough sometimes to just do "normal" everyday tasks.  

    I just feel that when I am "strong" everyone is OK with me, but then when I am emotional others can not bear it, and that does me no good to have others treat me like I am a carrier of the plague.  I am not contagious and I am not a sickness.  My daughter's death is not a "disease" you can catch.

    There is no disgrace in Jesus' cross, the disgrace lies in that the people who crucified him for whatever reasons, out of fear and frustration at how he made them feel as individuals.  People "crucify" what they do not understand, that was not Jesus' fault.  People act like this is a choice for us, its not.  

   Please do not get me wrong, I am only saying I feel I can get a glimpse of the pain Our Father felt for Jesus.  His pain is infinite compared to my own as He feels for all His children.

  This Man lyrics

In only a moment truth
Was seen revealed this mystery
The crown that showed no dignity he wore
And the king was placed for all the world
To show disgrace but only beauty flowed from this place

Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands

He held the weight of impurity
The father would not see
The reasons had finally come to be to
Show the depth of his grace flowed with
Every sin erased he knew that this was
Why he came

Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands

And we just don't know the blood and
Water flowed and in it all
He showes just how much he cares
And the veil was torn so we could have
This open door and all these things have
Finally been complete

Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
From his hands
From his hands
From his hands
From his hands
From his hands

    I would like to end on a happier note after all my venting.  I have had a couple friends visit Lilly's grave site and I want to show my undying gratitude and appreciation to Alyson, Iris, Krista, Bobby, and kids for taking the time to stop by and visit and to let us know that you do. My mom also visited when she was last in town and she even bought yellow lilies for her.  I can not wait until Jim designs Lilly's marker so that we can have a vase so that I can start to put flower arrangements in.  He has not yet started, and that is OK.  We still buy her flowers, we just lay them down on her grave until the day we have a vase to put them in.  

   This post is pretty much all over the place tonight, as my emotions are most of the time, so for those of you who have chosen to read I appreciate that patience.  

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