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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

She's more than just a "trial" a "tribulation" or a "bad day"

    I have had so much to write about, but the thoughts flow through my head and I am not in a position at those times to where I can actually sit and write them all down.  I've been irritated, sad, happy, frustrated, guilty, etc, about a lot that relates to grieving.  I write down the topics I want to write about, vent about, to get off my chest, but have yet to write or vent about them.  I need to make the time to do so because I feel it goes against my nature to not vent.  

    I guess I can start with one topic that is not necessarily bothering me today, but has been bothering me off and on since finding out Lilly's diagnosis and since she passed away.  I may have vented about this in the past, but I feel compelled to now, so that I do not let any animosity build inside of me.  Which today its not that's why I feel its fair to vent about this because I am not completely blinded by my animosity.  Though my bringing it up may cause me to feel angry again in regards to this topic.

    When I am having a good grieving moment I can take this in stride.  But when I am in my selfish grieving moment I just do not have the patience, nor the tolerance, for it.  And to be honest I don't want to, and selfishly I do not think I should have to.  That being said, please keep in mind, I am not trying to trivialize what anyone else is going through.  It is when this is said that I just feel like in my darkest moments I am expected to understand and feel better and rise above because others are going through their own trials and tribulations.  Are you kidding me?  My "trial" and "tribulation" (which by the way I dislike Lilly being referred to in that way) makes other people feel lucky in their lives or feel grateful that they are not me, they are not my kids, my husband, even Lilly.

    On my difficult grieving moments, I really do not want to hear "everyone has their own trials and tribulations they are going through, and not everyone thinks or reacts like you do" ok YES I agree people only know what they know and they can not even fathom what this feels like, I get it.  Just like I get the world keeps turning.  The thing is when I am crying because my daughter is dead, please do not tell me that other people have trials and tribulations in an attempt to help me to understand that we all have things we're dealing with.  It really frustrates me that anyone would try to compare the death of MY child to a "bad day".  And I have had "trials" and "tribulations" and "bad days" so I have been there and understand what people feel in those moments, this is beyond measure.  

   I have heard so many times that "we all have trials were going through".  Comparing my daughter's death to others "trials" to me is like devaluing the importance of her LIFE.  Its just frustrating.  I guess people are just trying to make me feel better and in their attempts they are failing in that moment and making me feel worse.  I usually just smile and nod when this is said to me.  I don't know what else to say, to me I feel it should be expected of me to have "moments' to be sad.  It is my right as a mother to grieve the loss of my child, however short lived her life.  Again this is just something that has come up on several occasions since losing Lilly.  I know that no disrespect is meant at all and I do appreciate the effort.  I am frustrated at times by it and I think that is OK.  I am not acting on it, just venting about it and understanding that the people who love me are not trying to hurt me by saying the wrong thing, but sometimes the wrong thing is said because really there are no RIGHT words. I accept that this is my life, that I will have my moments, good or difficult, whatever may come I just have to allow it, feel it, and I feel sometimes others have a harder time accepting this is my life and thats where things get said that leave me hurt and frustrated.  

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