Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Back to Hope

    I do not want to "use" my daughter's death as an excuse for bad behavior.  I've had hard years and those of you close to me know how hard those years were. Those of you living this same journey know first hand how hard outliving a child can be.

     I've been sensitive to things that normally would not have affected me at all and have not acted gracefully, with kindness nor compassion or understanding.

    I would like to thank those who have put up with my moods during the harder times I am sure it was not an easy task.  Thank you for showing me kindness and compassion when I so obviously did not deserve it.  Words can not convey how much it means to me.

    The first year after she passed away was the way I wish all of them to be.  There was a peace if you will that first year of living without Lilly, and I miss that.  

    I thought maybe blogging like I did then might help as over the years I have stepped away from it.  Perhaps it is time to return to blogging my feelings.

    I never wanted this blog I started for Lilly to be a place of negativity but honestly I am outliving a child,  how can there not be that.  However,  I do want it to be a space where I can use it to help build back up the hope I once felt even in the midst of her death.

    I will always feel pain, I will always miss her until the day I die.  I must accept that He did not take me instead of her for some reason I may never be meant to understand. All I know is this is the journey my life is on and I must make the best of even this.  Not in spite of her death, but in hopes to honor her short but beautiful existence.

Saturday, April 15, 2017


If anyone wants to make my life miserable trust me outliving a child does that.  So please know that no matter how happy I may appear there will always be sadness in my heart.  

Easter is the one holiday I did not get with Lilly. Though I am grateful for the ones I did get  it does not make the ones I did not spend with her, with all of us together, any easier.

If you want to cause me pain or heartache please know it exists in my everyday life. I live two sides of a coin everyday. Why ask me to live with more?

  I do not wish this on even my worst enemy and though I hide it well it is hard to live with at times.  

I would not trade having her for living without the pain.  As I have said several times before, the pain reminds me she was here. 

I will always wish I took her place, but that was not His plan.   I will always cry, always wonder, always talk about her.  

So please if you are wanting to hurt me please know I do hurt everyday.   I do not wish this pain on anyone and I do know how to feel joy through this sadness but there is always pain in missing her.


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