Tuesday, August 24, 2010

    Tonight was an emotional evening.  Again coming out of nowhere, but I needed to cry.  I wanted to cry.  I was singing a song to our middle two children and its a song I have been singing since before our youngest son was born called "You're Gonna Be" by Reba McEntire.  It was introduced to me by Alanna (thank you) and it really goes along with when I had our first born son.  I was 18 when I got pregnant, very young.  I replace the weight of the baby mentioned in the first line with our youngest sons weight every time I sing it.  I sing it at bedtime upon request and he requests it as "7lbs 3oz" so I sang it tonight and for some reason the words really hit me hard tonight.

"Sometimes life's not fair, but if you hang in there
You're gonna see that sometimes bad is good
You just have to believe, things work out like they should
Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me, You're Gonna Be"

Life is unfair, I have learned that throughout my experience
Sometimes "bad" is good.  Some people refer to losing Lilly as a "tragedy" or a "bad" thing that happened and I just think to them its bad, but to me its good. I can not associate the word "bad" with Lilly.  There was so much goodness surrounding her and so much love and no "bad"  The "bad" maybe is in it hurts a lot missing her.  But I know one day we will be reunited.  I can really say that fully believing it tonight.  I do believe things work out like they should, as they are meant to.  God has a plan and knows the way our lives will unfold before we are even a sparkle of hope in our parents' hearts.  "Life has no guarantees" was never guaranteed how much time we were going to get with Lilly and we got so much more than we hoped for but never thought would actually come true.  And even before Lilly, there are no guarantees in life, there never were.  She will always be loved even though she was never guaranteed to be with us long.

I have been going back and forth through a lot of emotions this past 5/6 month mark.  There is so much I need to catch up on here, so that I write it all down.  So that I remember and can look back and know where I have been on my journey and where I am when I look back and read through.  I feel I have come a long way even in six months.  Not too too far, but baby steps is all I can manage sometimes.

I feel Lilly gave us a gift and we can not take that gift for granted again.  She gave me the gift of knowledge, and reminded me just how precious life here on earth really is.  How much we should cherish each other the good and the bad.  Most of all she brought us more love than we could have ever fathomed and could have ever hoped to know.

I feel it in each of the stories I read about other babies who have gone to join Our Lord.  It is unfortunate that we have to live our lives without our children, our babies, but they are not in an unfortunate place.  I feel that to be so true, and I felt if I had any doubt in that, it has been confirmed through my time with Lilly.

I believe each of our children bless us in different ways.  Our oldest daughter had to finish singing "Lilly's Song" (One More Day) because I was all choked up by the end of the second verse.  Some nights I get through it and then there are nights like this where I struggle through it and sometimes can not finish it.  She asked me "are you about to cry" and then she got up and gave me a hug.

The reason why I wanted to cry was because life often gets so busy that I wonder if I will cry again.  Crying makes me feel like I still care about Lilly and I will always care this much.  It gives me hope, that I have not "moved on".  I am so scared there will be a time where I will not cry for Lilly anymore, so when I cry it makes me feel good that I still do.  I want to miss her, because she is that important.  With the hustle and bustle of life I feel sometimes my grieving gets lost in it all, but when I cry as I did tonight, I am reminded I still carry it with me and it still affects me that much.

This may sound strange to anyone else who has not gone through this in that they may wonder why I want to cry, why I want to feel this way.  I want to mourn my daughter, I feel that is what is best for me.  I feel the minute I stop mourning her, I fear I will forget her.  She may have only been on this earth for 9 months in my belly and 6 days, 5 hours, and 30 minutes breathing our air, but she will be remembered for a lifetime.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Six Months!!! (1)

    Today marks six months since our Lilly was born, the day we got to meet her outside of my belly.  Her birthday milestones are not as hard to take as the day she left us, which I anticipate may be a difficult day.  The six month mark is my favorite mark for some unexplainable reason.  I just couldn't wait to get to the six month marks with my babies.  Always was very exciting!  This is a different feeling.  I feel like I should have cried for her today, and yet I have not.

    There was a peace today which I always enjoy when that happens.  I feel that is when I am at the most ease and its just so calming and nice to feel this way.  Our oldest daughter had a couple moments where she said she missed Lilly but I hugged her and she went on playing.  She has a baby doll that she named Lilly and she takes care of her.  She does not say that this baby is her sister, she just says that she named her Lilly after her sister which I find precious.  She has not named the doll before and has had her for a couple years now.  And every time in the past I would ask her what her name was she would just say "baby" which makes me feel like she was just waiting to be named Lilly.

    The last couple weeks starting with the 5 month milestone have been such a whirlwind roller coaster of emotions that hit very hard and very fast and most times out of nowhere.  Which is why I am enjoying this peace.  The peaceful feeling reminds me of when Lilly was here and how there was such calm surrounding her.  Even on the day of her funeral there was just such a peace that came over me and it was amazing.  I yearn for the feeling of peace but I know I just need to ride the waves to get to the calm.

   For now I have that peace and I just relish in it and embrace it, for I know that this could also be the eye of the storm or the uphill climb before the roller coaster starts again.  For now, there is peace.

Monday, August 16, 2010

5 month mark #2

    This is so late I know.  This mark was the toughest on the kids and the six month mark is fast approaching and with everything going on I just have not had time to post and I feel I need to. This is my outlet for my emotions and I feel so much better after releasing my emotions in words so its been difficult since I have not been doing this even through my own private journal.

 Without going into details the 28th of July was the roughest on the kids.  It was very hard on our oldest daughter and it was so difficult to watch as I knew there was nothing I could do to fix this pain.

   A lot has happened since then as well, that I will get into later.  Its just been such a roller coaster ride and it seems the further away time gets from our time with Lilly, it seems more difficult.  I am still functioning in every day life.  I think also being busy and not having time to cry gets to me too.  I don't remember the last time I had a good hard cry about losing Lilly and I think that is very important to have.  I feel it may catch up with me soon.

    Its sometimes overwhelming to have all of life's activities and happenings thrown at you and then on top of it I am still grieving.  So many emotions and things to keep track of sometimes gets a bit overwhelming.  That's when I just need to breathe and pause.  It just feels like my day is filled with something at every turn and I hardly have time for myself.

    I know it gets like this and then subsides but when its here its here and strong.  I have tried to organize things to make it easier but then it just seems like I just can't catch up.  I know it will all be OK and I will have that at peace feeling which I love so much, I just have to get through the overwhelming stage right now.


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