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Sunday, August 22, 2010

Six Months!!! (1)

    Today marks six months since our Lilly was born, the day we got to meet her outside of my belly.  Her birthday milestones are not as hard to take as the day she left us, which I anticipate may be a difficult day.  The six month mark is my favorite mark for some unexplainable reason.  I just couldn't wait to get to the six month marks with my babies.  Always was very exciting!  This is a different feeling.  I feel like I should have cried for her today, and yet I have not.

    There was a peace today which I always enjoy when that happens.  I feel that is when I am at the most ease and its just so calming and nice to feel this way.  Our oldest daughter had a couple moments where she said she missed Lilly but I hugged her and she went on playing.  She has a baby doll that she named Lilly and she takes care of her.  She does not say that this baby is her sister, she just says that she named her Lilly after her sister which I find precious.  She has not named the doll before and has had her for a couple years now.  And every time in the past I would ask her what her name was she would just say "baby" which makes me feel like she was just waiting to be named Lilly.

    The last couple weeks starting with the 5 month milestone have been such a whirlwind roller coaster of emotions that hit very hard and very fast and most times out of nowhere.  Which is why I am enjoying this peace.  The peaceful feeling reminds me of when Lilly was here and how there was such calm surrounding her.  Even on the day of her funeral there was just such a peace that came over me and it was amazing.  I yearn for the feeling of peace but I know I just need to ride the waves to get to the calm.

   For now I have that peace and I just relish in it and embrace it, for I know that this could also be the eye of the storm or the uphill climb before the roller coaster starts again.  For now, there is peace.

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