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Tuesday, August 24, 2010

    Tonight was an emotional evening.  Again coming out of nowhere, but I needed to cry.  I wanted to cry.  I was singing a song to our middle two children and its a song I have been singing since before our youngest son was born called "You're Gonna Be" by Reba McEntire.  It was introduced to me by Alanna (thank you) and it really goes along with when I had our first born son.  I was 18 when I got pregnant, very young.  I replace the weight of the baby mentioned in the first line with our youngest sons weight every time I sing it.  I sing it at bedtime upon request and he requests it as "7lbs 3oz" so I sang it tonight and for some reason the words really hit me hard tonight.

"Sometimes life's not fair, but if you hang in there
You're gonna see that sometimes bad is good
You just have to believe, things work out like they should
Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me, You're Gonna Be"

Life is unfair, I have learned that throughout my experience
Sometimes "bad" is good.  Some people refer to losing Lilly as a "tragedy" or a "bad" thing that happened and I just think to them its bad, but to me its good. I can not associate the word "bad" with Lilly.  There was so much goodness surrounding her and so much love and no "bad"  The "bad" maybe is in it hurts a lot missing her.  But I know one day we will be reunited.  I can really say that fully believing it tonight.  I do believe things work out like they should, as they are meant to.  God has a plan and knows the way our lives will unfold before we are even a sparkle of hope in our parents' hearts.  "Life has no guarantees" ...it was never guaranteed how much time we were going to get with Lilly and we got so much more than we hoped for but never thought would actually come true.  And even before Lilly, there are no guarantees in life, there never were.  She will always be loved even though she was never guaranteed to be with us long.

I have been going back and forth through a lot of emotions this past 5/6 month mark.  There is so much I need to catch up on here, so that I write it all down.  So that I remember and can look back and know where I have been on my journey and where I am when I look back and read through.  I feel I have come a long way even in six months.  Not too too far, but baby steps is all I can manage sometimes.

I feel Lilly gave us a gift and we can not take that gift for granted again.  She gave me the gift of knowledge, and reminded me just how precious life here on earth really is.  How much we should cherish each other the good and the bad.  Most of all she brought us more love than we could have ever fathomed and could have ever hoped to know.

I feel it in each of the stories I read about other babies who have gone to join Our Lord.  It is unfortunate that we have to live our lives without our children, our babies, but they are not in an unfortunate place.  I feel that to be so true, and I felt if I had any doubt in that, it has been confirmed through my time with Lilly.

I believe each of our children bless us in different ways.  Our oldest daughter had to finish singing "Lilly's Song" (One More Day) because I was all choked up by the end of the second verse.  Some nights I get through it and then there are nights like this where I struggle through it and sometimes can not finish it.  She asked me "are you about to cry" and then she got up and gave me a hug.

The reason why I wanted to cry was because life often gets so busy that I wonder if I will cry again.  Crying makes me feel like I still care about Lilly and I will always care this much.  It gives me hope, that I have not "moved on".  I am so scared there will be a time where I will not cry for Lilly anymore, so when I cry it makes me feel good that I still do.  I want to miss her, because she is that important.  With the hustle and bustle of life I feel sometimes my grieving gets lost in it all, but when I cry as I did tonight, I am reminded I still carry it with me and it still affects me that much.

This may sound strange to anyone else who has not gone through this in that they may wonder why I want to cry, why I want to feel this way.  I want to mourn my daughter, I feel that is what is best for me.  I feel the minute I stop mourning her, I fear I will forget her.  She may have only been on this earth for 9 months in my belly and 6 days, 5 hours, and 30 minutes breathing our air, but she will be remembered for a lifetime.

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