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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

"Lilly is home"

    Yesterday we all went to get our haircuts and the lady who was cutting our oldest daughter's hair asked her if she was the only girl and she said "No we have Lilly" no one asked where she was but the fact that she just thinks of Lilly as her sister and still does whether she is here or not just amazes me.  It melts my heart :)

   Today I went shopping for a baby shower gift.  I've been in the baby section so many times (as our youngest son is still in pull ups at night).  I have bought baby items during Easter for my soon to be arriving (any day now) nephew, so I have been in the baby aisle quite often since having had Lilly.  For some reason today was the first time I was almost overwhelmed with the bittersweetness of it all.  There were so many cute items for girls.  One thing that helps me get through it is I do have reasons to shop in that section just not for my own baby.  Another is those cute things were there before Lilly was born and there will be cute things long after I am gone.  Its funny what thoughts we use to help get us through.

    There was a onesie that said "born in 2010" and I just had to get it for my friend/coworker.  They had it in pink and blue.  I checked because Alanna is having a girl :)  I love babies and am excited for all babies.  I have held a 10 month old baby girl since having lost Lilly and have been around several babies. Yes it is bittersweet in that it is a reminder that my Lilly is not here with me, but at the same time I don't really need reminders as I live with this fact every single second of every single day.  And the joy surrounding other babies is a reminder of the joy I felt when Lilly was here in my arms and just the joy in being her mother.

   I had to pause in the section of blankets as I just had to breathe and compose myself so I didn't lose it in the middle of the store.  Next thing I know my eye scans over a pink blanket with butterflies on the edge.  I feel it was Lilly showing me she was with me (just a reminder she had a butterfly on the outfit she was wearing when she passed away and butterflies are very significant in my family as well).  I felt that she was telling me to buy Alanna's daughter (my niece) that blanket.  I have to go back and get the onesie and the blanket :)

   At the checkout line I heard a baby crying in the next aisle and there were actually two of them.  Twins! A boy and a girl.  I asked the mom how old and she said "5 months" and then I asked when were they born and she said "Feb 22" Lilly's birthday!!!  I told her "aw my youngest daughter was born on Feb 22" and she said "what a great day!" and I agreed.  It was a great day!!!!  One of the five greatest days in my life (one for my wedding day and one for each of my children's birthday)

    Our youngest son had asked to visit Lilly today but it did not work out to where we could but we will go tomorrow I told him.  He told me "I miss Lilly" words I hear so often and are bittersweet.  Sweet in the fact that they remember and love their sister.  They have not forgotten her.  Bitter in the fact that they miss her and there is nothing I can do to fix that.  I can only be there for them and hug them as we often do when they feel this way.

    To close the day I had a great conversation with our oldest daughter.  She is so young and yet she remembers such details about Lilly. They have been handling this all so well. They get sad like we do, but they also are happy and continue on while missing her at the same time.  Without prompting they talk about Lilly and they ask to visit her grave site often.  They are so resilient and inspiring.  They amaze me everyday!

    I will end with the very precious words from our oldest daughter; these words melted my heart and there's just not much more to add.  She said  "Lilly is home"

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