Its been such an emotional week for me with lots of "hard moments". I was sick with strep this week and as I was talking to the Dr. about Lilly I cried. This was the first time that I had broken into hard tears while talking about her. I had to pause because the tears were overwhelming. I cry now as I type this. I had a rough moment last night and had to put my tears to the side because there was something that needed to be done.
Last night our oldest son asked to visit Lilly today and the thought this morning just occurred to me. Keep in mind that I understand everyone has things to vent about in their lives about things that are very important to them. But this morning the thought that occurred to me was this is my life. My life is my kids asking to go visit their sister at her grave site. My life is missing my youngest child 24/7 and not being able to hold her. Not that I am complaining as I've said before the pain is worth it. I would not trade having Lilly for freedom from this pain. If giving up this pain means never having her then I welcome the pain.
The point of this post is I had several women think of me and send me emails today and it was just perfect timing. I believe God uses each of us and works through us as well. I just want to say thank you to Alanna, Kim, Alicia, and Jennifer for today. Kim, Alicia, and Jennifer you all sent messages to me that I needed to read today. Alanna thank you for allowing me just to be me and grieve and cry even though you have not gone through this yourself you are an amazing and patient friend. I am so thankful that God brought all you women to me especially today.
The song "Keep Holding On" by Avril Lavigne that I have playing on this blog speaks true to how much you all have helped me. I may not be able to get through this alone, but I don't think I am meant to. Today I was reminded of that. I am sorry to all you ladies who walk this journey with me knowing what it feels like having experienced your own losses. This journey is a rough one, but it helps on the days when those moments hit the hardest to know that we are not alone. So thank you from the bottom of my heart to ALL of you who have shared this journey with me. I have met some amazing women with such big hearts along the way and I am forever grateful and humbled for that.
Friday, July 16, 2010
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(((HUGS))) Those are hard days! It tears at my heart when the kids ask to visit Janie Beth. Katie Jo even brought her Bible this past time so we could read to her. Although, I am thankful that they remember and want to visit her.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you had one of those days. Life is different as we know it, our girls want to go to the cemetery to check on the flowers regularly. It's not fair at all but maybe our kiddos will be more sensitive to others as they grow up after going through life with the understanding of loss.
ReplyDeleteHope you are refreshed tomorrow!
You are not alone even when it feels like it. I hope you feel better very soon. Strep is no joke. I love that song! Thank you for sharing. Lilly is one blessed little lady to have you for a mommy!
ReplyDeleteOh my dear, I am so sorry you had one of those weeks. I hope you are feeling better. I have never had strep but I hear it's no fun.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't seem fair that our kids at such a young age know about death. I wish that wasn't so.
The last few weeks I have been a little out of it and I have been bad about blogging. Please know you are ALWAYS in my thoughts and prayers. This post really touched me because it is so true, especially when you said you welcome pain. I get it, I would never trade my life for a life without Sami in it.
Take care, ((HUGS))
It really is something when you the realization that "this is your life" washes over you. It is true...this will be woven into the tapestry of your life...always part of your journey. But, the sorrow and joy will be woven together. I love the way Angie Smith calls it the sacred dance of grief and joy. They dance together throughout our lives.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for the pain bubbling up that day, and grateful that you were encouraged by others...and prayerful that you will feel better soon.
Love to you...
So sorry for the hard week...I tear up and cry all the time when I talk to just about anyone...there's no shame in it.
ReplyDeleteEspecially when it's like you said...this is your life. Your reality. And it doesn't change; you just have to figure out how to make it through.
Hope you feel better (strep stinks as an adult!) soon!
xoxoxo
"I would not trade having Lilly for freedom from this pain. If giving up this pain means never having her then I welcome the pain."
ReplyDeleteI could not have said this better myself....just perfect!! and its true, its so sad to know there are so many of us, and yet its comforting to know that we all can lift each other up...its really special to have someone who has not been through it there for you too. i used to have such a huge support system and now I just have my BLM and I am happy non the less...if it wasnt for this community i dont know where id be...xoxo...im so sorry your children have to know this pain....but it is so amazing how they ask to visit her...THAT is love!!!
Hard days are the worst, but they are definitely a little easier to handle when you have good friends who care enough to reach out. :) XOXO I hope you have better days!
ReplyDeleteSorry this is late. I have been working and have been behind reading the blogs I follow. I hate that we have to feel this pain-but like you, I wouldn't ever trade that for not having my daughter. I hope you are feeling better today-and don't feel bad for crying! I had multiple breakdowns this weekend at work. You are in my prayers! ((huge hugs))
ReplyDeleteI love it when God sends us what we need when we need it.
ReplyDelete