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Friday, July 16, 2010

Keep Holding On

    Its been such an emotional week for me with lots of "hard moments".  I was sick with strep this week and as I was talking to the Dr. about Lilly I cried.  This was the first time that I had broken into hard tears while talking about her.  I had to pause because the tears were overwhelming.  I cry now as I type this.  I had a rough moment last night and had to put my tears to the side because there was something that needed to be done.

    Last night our oldest son asked to visit Lilly today and the thought this morning just occurred to me.  Keep in mind that I understand everyone has things to vent about in their lives about things that are very important to them.  But this morning the thought that occurred to me was this is my life.  My life is my kids asking to go visit their sister at her grave site.   My life is missing my youngest child 24/7 and not being able to hold her.  Not that I am complaining as I've said before the pain is worth it.  I would not trade having Lilly for freedom from this pain.  If giving up this pain means never having her then I welcome the pain.

    The point of this post is I had several women think of me and send me emails today and it was just perfect timing.  I believe God uses each of us and works through us as well.  I just want to say thank you to Alanna, Kim, Alicia, and Jennifer for today.  Kim, Alicia, and Jennifer you all sent messages to me that I needed to read today.  Alanna thank you for allowing me just to be me and grieve and cry even though you have not gone through this yourself you are an amazing and patient friend.  I am so thankful that God brought all you women to me especially today.

   The song "Keep Holding On" by Avril Lavigne that I have playing on this blog speaks true to how much you all have helped me.  I may not be able to get through this alone, but I don't think I am meant to.  Today I was reminded of that.  I am sorry to all you ladies who walk this journey with me knowing what it feels like having experienced your own losses.  This journey is a rough one, but it helps on the days when those moments hit the hardest to know that we are not alone.  So thank you from the bottom of my heart to ALL of you who have shared this journey with me.  I have met some amazing women with such big hearts along the way and I am forever grateful and humbled for that.

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