Monday, July 5, 2010

Fourth of July

    Another family get together since Lilly passed away.  It was an amazing and fun day spent with my kids and my nephews and my in laws.  A day filled with many activities including water balloon and water gun fights, laughter, sparklers, and cupcakes.  So much in one day and when it was all said and done, as I sat on the couch next to my husband, was when I had my moment.  Jim asked me if I was alright and I told him that I was having a moment.  I teared up and held his hand and was prepared to go to the bathroom to have a cry (we were at my SIL).  The moment passed but it was a hard moment and I could feel the tears welling up and my throat tightening.  I miss her so much and will always have these "moments" as I refer to them.  It is hard in that I feel during the moment that it will never end and the pain will be that unbearable forever and in a way it will.  The pain of losing Lilly will ALWAYS be unbearable, and I feel it is just the intensity of how hard these moments will hit me that will come and go throughout the rest of my life.  Some "moments" will be harder than others.

    This week I will only have one of my children with me as the older two are visiting with Grandma and Paw Paw.  I know this week will be difficult as this is the first time since Lilly passed away that I have been separated from them.  I will have many moments this week, in fact I'm surprised I am doing as well as I am but I think my anticipation lessens the actual reaction for me.  It also helps that I do have one of my children with me.

    I have always felt that though I have had my moments that I am doing OK in that I am allowing myself the freedom to grieve the best way I know how which is right for me.  I also give all the credit to God in that I have leaned on him a LOT.  I was given a gift for my birthday; a tiny frame with this saying

"God does not give us what we can handle, He helps us handle what we are given"

  These words are perfect and I am so glad that they made their way into my life and I thank you Rhonda for that.  I believe that God has truly helped us and I do not know how I would be doing without His strength and guidance and unconditional love.



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