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Thursday, July 22, 2010

5 month mark #1

    So many emotions this week, that  I am feeling a bit exhausted bouncing back and forth through all the different emotions one can imagine.  Today started off rough and then went up from there.  I feel like my posts lately have had a sad tone to them, but I haven't felt sad all the time.  I usually vent about these sad and hard emotions here because I feel this is where I will find understanding and never ending support. That no matter how strong my emotions there is no judgment in that I am doing this wrong or that I am not doing well.  It is a place where I feel my sadness is welcome as much as my joy and that because I am sad does not mean that is all I am.

    Today the thoughts that occurred to me just briefly were she would have been on cereal last month and starting solid jar food by now.  I love the road to solid food, picking out which food to start her on first and then anticipating her reaction to the flavor we picked out.  I am not down about this, just thinking about how I will miss this milestone, but at the same time rejoicing in the joy that surrounded her when she was here in my belly and then in my arms.

    I have been struggling with how I want to know how to be there for my husband, so for those of you who are not sure how to be there for me, I feel you. I am not sure how to be there for him.  If there is anything I have learned from those of you who have been there for me who don't know how to be (and yes I have learned from you all) it is that just being there is enough.  That is all anyone can do for me, is just be and let me be me and grieve the way that I feel is right for me.  

   I do want to talk about the negative I was feeling this morning but only briefly.  It is hard to hear people tell me that I am strong.  I say the Lord gives me strength and I give Him all the credit.  But it is hard in that I feel that because people view me as strong that when they see me weep or what in their minds appear to be "weaknesses" then they just get angry at me.  Not on purpose and not intentionally.  I think people have a hard time seeing me upset and feeling helpless, I understand that.  But I do not believe that crying is a weakness or that it means I am less "strong" than you see me.  So sometimes it hurts to hear "you are strong" so thank you to Dianne for listening and humoring me when you said  "You are not strong" and thank you also to Sherry for listening to me as always and to everyone who has been there to support and help guide me to be a better person.

   I love learning and growing and trying to be as good a person as I can be.  I am very hard on myself and am really trying to work on that.  I just feel validated when other people agree with my criticisms of myself.  I get frustrated with myself and I know that I have gotten better at it since having had Lilly, but there are times where I get in my own way.  There is so much that I feel I have learned throughout my 29 years and I feel there is so much more to learn.

    I would like to end this post with lyrics to a song that I feel is perfect in how I am feeling right now.  It is a beautiful song and I always am waiting to hear this on the radio on my way to or from work.

Christian lyrics - BEFORE THE MORNING LYRICS - JOSH WILSON 


Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling, 
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling, 
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning


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