Monday, July 19, 2010

Thoughts on venting

     I have said in my last post that I would not trade having Lilly for freedom from this pain and if giving up this pain means never having her then I welcome the pain. So why do I vent about things that have hurt me?  Because I am human and this is for me to feel healthy in the best way I can,  there is no harm in that.  This helps me as best as I can be helped in surviving my Lilly.    Because I vent does not take away from my love for Lilly.  It does not take anything away from how much her life means to me still to this day and every future day.

    I vent for a release, a pause from these type of emotions otherwise they will just build up and fester and rot inside me.  Internalizing is not healthy for me.  Purging my emotions through words helps me heal as best I can.  I will heal to a certain extent, I feel that is inevitable, however I will never fully recover.  I will remain changed for the rest of my life.  I don't plan on moving on, just moving through and forward through life with this cross with which I have been chosen to bear.

    My emotional waves may become further apart but the intensity as I feel them will never be nullified.  I do not want to forget Lilly ever, not even for a second.  I do not want time to simplify my grief.  I do not think it gets easier just maybe more manageable.


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