Monday, January 7, 2019

Still Moving Forward

Those closest to me know how much I've grown in the last year.  I appreciate each and every one of you for being there to help me grow and to allow me to do so in my own way.

After Lilly died I took off her birthday and her angel day every year. This past year I did not take her angel day off and though I had a few moments I have been blessed with a supervisor who allowed me to have my moments and allowed me the freedom to have them and to step away when I needed to. This coming year I have decided not to take any time off for either days. I feel that is where I am at and that may change from year to year especially on the milestone years.

  Lilly's birthday will always be a happy one for me. She was never given more than a few minutes if any to live and she lived the whole day and then some. No matter how sad I feel in missing out on celebrating her birthday with her that thought never escapes me.

  Her angel day is a little harder for me and a few days later which is relived every year whether I mean for it to happen or not. That's the thing with losing someone so close to you is you never get over missing them. Time keeps you busy but you never forget, and there is nothing wrong with that.

  The pain reminds me that she was physically here, that she existed.

  I had a close friend point out that losing Lilly changed me and that's ok. I never realized how much until she pointed it out and I am so grateful that she was brave enough to be honest with me.

    I joined a small group at church and met some amazing women (you know who you are no question). God has definitely had a great plan for me, one I could not have ever imagine for myself. These women help me feel like myself and they help give me strength and I feel good in their company and am so grateful God has brought them into my lives.

  The study we did was on the book by Hosanna Poetry called Superadded.  It was on abundance letting God superadd that into our lives and how we go about accomplishing and allowing that into our daily lives.  And though it is still very much a struggle to allow all that He has been throwing at me lately, I am humbled and amazed at what He is doing in my life.

  Friends old and new, family I was born into and met and acquired along the way I am so grateful for. I feel I've been given a support system here that I never knew I would have (you all know who you are as well) including myself. I have found myself again after feeling lost with knowing who I used to be and who I am now.

   I am nowhere near finished as I will continue to grow. I just want to make her proud and I want to continue to strive to live my life in abundance to honor her memory.

   I've come a long way and yet have more rough roads to travel. I've been so busy to not take time to take care of this blog I started so many years ago and I feel I need to update and come back to it.

    Some days it will be heavier than others, that is when I will lean on those that love me and allow me to miss her without judgement.

   All this being said, while I continue this new chapter in my life, I will do so while at the same time never forgetting our beautiful Lilly Elizabeth. She will forever be a part of me, that will never change. The joy in having her will always exist with the pain of losing her. That is and forever will be how I continue to move forward living without her.

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Thank you for taking the time to comment and for taking the time to read about my journey and most importantly about my daughter Lilly Elizabeth and her life. I love reading what you have to say.


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