Tuesday, May 3, 2011

One more thing tonight

   I think I am hitting my most number of posts in an evening, but I did have to blog about one more thing.  I've decided that I do need to have a "blogging day" doesn't have to be an assigned day being that life throws curve balls so having it on a specific day may not always work out, but I realized that I do need to express myself or else I'll just end up keeping it all in and keep moving forward as I have been.

   Nothing has happened, I just feel like I'm stressing more and I feel that some of that has to do with I haven't really made time for me to outlet my grief and that was one of the reasons I started this blog in the first place.  I stopped for awhile because one, my computer was on sabbatical and two, I just didn't want to keep writing about the same emotions over and over again.  I felt that might be a little boring to my readers, and it got tiring for me as well.  I have realized though that I may be writing or venting about the same things but I feel I have grown and learned and healed as little as one can on a rest of my life basis.  I was feeling like I was taking two steps forward but then on other days I feel I'm all the way back to the beginning of the path, but I feel those are just hills and valleys and yes sometimes on the days where I am down in the Valley I make my way up the Hill to get over the Mountain then I'm on not so shaky ground again.  I know too many metaphors.  Basically what I am trying to say is that just when I started this journey without Lilly physically in my life, I knew that there would be ups and downs and that would be OK.  I think its just in the last few months I felt at times that it was harder than when I first began and in ways it always will be.

    When I was with Lilly here on earth I felt so close to her and on days where I feel that I am grasping onto what little memory I have of her, I feel like I'm stumbling.  But just before I fall I call out to God and I feel comfort, or Lilly shows me a sign that she is still very much with us just not as we could ever imagine and that thought again comforts me.

   I won't lie, on days where I feel like I can not be comforted by God I just wait it out; wait until that storm passes and I am past the despair wave of grief.  Its going to be a never ending journey until the day I die, and I'm gonna be in excruciating pain, of course I will, for I have a hole in my heart that NO "stopper" can fill.  And I'm OK with that, I've always been OK with that but for a bit I felt as if I lost that thought and I would feel a bit panicked.  Today I feel it coming back as the tears roll down my eyes while I type.

   My train of thought is lost for I need a moment and not to mention this post is getting longer.  I am glad I have a place to spill out my innermost heartaches on missing my sweet sweet Lilly.  Though there is joy intermingled with my sadness I am still hurting, I will always hurt for my baby girl.

   I have been watching Army Wives and I love that show by the way but I have also been able to relate to the show on so many levels but even more so now including the loss of a child.  Recently one of the moms on the show has had to bury her son and another mom has in the past buried one of her daughters.  I do love how they depict the grief and right now I've had to watch it in pieces because of a busy schedule but in this episode they go to a support group.  It doesn't go as well as one would hope under circumstances being what they are, but it reminded me of how great a support I have found through family, friends, this blogging world and though I have not been participating as much, my online support groups.  Even helping with Rachel's Gift has been a great comfort when I just am in so much pain I feel numb.  I get angry when I hear another family has suffered the loss of a child and knowing that they have such a journey ahead of them is upsetting.  I know what this feels like and I do not wish it on anyone else.  But I have to remind myself that God has a plan, whatever it is.

    I spoke to a mother who reminded me of the way I thought when Lilly first died, that everything happens for a reason but now that view has changed into why does it? Let us in on the secret please?  I think our babies are the secret, they're a glimpse into what God has planned and we have to trust.  I've been offering up all my Blind Faith.  I have not yet gotten angry with God.  I say yet, because who knows I still may, and I feel partly that He wants me to get angry with Him, to offer it up to Him, cause He can take it.  I can't convince myself to do so because I think...why? what would it do? It just would make me feel horrible afterward and mainly, honestly, It won't bring her back! I just don't see the point in it even if I feel it may be something I need to do.  By mad I mean shouting and screaming at the top of my lungs "WHY? WHY DID YOU TAKE HER? WHAT DID I DO WRONG? TELL ME? COULDN'T SHE HAVE WORKED YOUR PLAN HERE, SHE WAS SO AMAZING! WHY HER AND NOT ME? I PRAYED FOR YOU TO TAKE ME INSTEAD"  The caps are emphasizing the shouting, but I am not feeling angry at this time, just utter utter sadness and heartbreak.  Heartbreak for me and for anyone else who has had to walk this journey and for all future parents, for I unfortunately know this does not stop with me, I wish it did, Oh how I wish none of you had to feel this.

Just a disclaimer: I want to emphasize that though I am emotionally rambling tonight, I do still keep Lilly in my heart and would no way trade never having her for the freedom to not feel this.  I love her, and pain or no pain she will always be my daughter, and I wouldn't want it any other way. I would have traded my life for her and still would had I to do it all over again.



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