Sunday, September 4, 2011

It's been awhile

      I know its been awhile and I'm actually trying to remedy that because while I have gotten away from writing in my blog I started in honor of Lilly's memory, I also feel I need to make time to do it and I wasn't doing that.  Things just got so busy so it was easy to kind of say Ok I'll post that another time.

    I found myself recently having a moment at work.  Well at first I was kind of fighting it only cause I was thinking "do I want to have a moment, should I have a moment," and then finally of course all you fellow BLM's out there know that it hit me like a ton of bricks and there was no controlling it.

   This time not many if any at work knew that I had a moment.  There was one coworker in particular I shared my moment with and that is because of the unfortunate truth that she has endured the same pain of losing a daughter so recently I might add, I want to thank her for being there.

   I apologize if my thoughts seem all jumbled as it is so early while I sit here writing and I feel my wording is not gramatically correct nor is it flowing together smoothly.

    I attended a child's first birthday yesterday.  My first birthday party where a child turned 1 since Lilly's passing (she would have turned 1 year old this past February).  It was so busy here that I really didn't even think it would affect me and some didn't even see why it should but I know there are those BLM's who understand and that helped me know that I have that support, that understanding.  Not that I enjoy sharing this pain with anyone, for I wish no one had to share the grief that comes with losing a child.

    I was only a little emotional before hand and not because I wasn't excited for my friend or for her baby's big milestone.  I was glad to be invited of course and honored that she would invite us to share in her family's celebration.  I even took some photos before we had to leave.

   As I said, I haven't really made much time for my grief or my outlet here (as you can see), and I think that its something I need to do for me, especially recently.  And that doesn't mean that I haven't moved forward or that life hasn't proceeded in the midst of Lilly's death, it just means that she's still with me and I will carry her always and it shows that even though Lilly died, my love for her never will.  And while I still have moments where I miss her so very much, I still love and cherish and appreciate what I still have in this life (Lilly included).  She is not here physically and while her death does not consume me nor define me or her, the emotions certainly have not nor will ever leave me.  That also doesn't mean I don't take the time I have with my living children for granted.  This blog is dedicated to Lilly's memory and so this space is specific to writing in regards to anything related to my grief for myself in missing Lilly.  It does not mean I am consumed by it and really, should I be blamed if I did? Yes, I have living children, but those living children do not replace Lilly, just as Lilly does not replace my living children.  They each and INDIVIDUALLY are EQUALLY important to me and I love ALL of my children here on earth or in heaven.


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