I found myself recently having a moment at work. Well at first I was kind of fighting it only cause I was thinking "do I want to have a moment, should I have a moment," and then finally of course all you fellow BLM's out there know that it hit me like a ton of bricks and there was no controlling it.
This time not many if any at work knew that I had a moment. There was one coworker in particular I shared my moment with and that is because of the unfortunate truth that she has endured the same pain of losing a daughter so recently I might add, I want to thank her for being there.
I apologize if my thoughts seem all jumbled as it is so early while I sit here writing and I feel my wording is not gramatically correct nor is it flowing together smoothly.
I attended a child's first birthday yesterday. My first birthday party where a child turned 1 since Lilly's passing (she would have turned 1 year old this past February). It was so busy here that I really didn't even think it would affect me and some didn't even see why it should but I know there are those BLM's who understand and that helped me know that I have that support, that understanding. Not that I enjoy sharing this pain with anyone, for I wish no one had to share the grief that comes with losing a child.
I was only a little emotional before hand and not because I wasn't excited for my friend or for her baby's big milestone. I was glad to be invited of course and honored that she would invite us to share in her family's celebration. I even took some photos before we had to leave.
As I said, I haven't really made much time for my grief or my outlet here (as you can see), and I think that its something I need to do for me, especially recently. And that doesn't mean that I haven't moved forward or that life hasn't proceeded in the midst of Lilly's death, it just means that she's still with me and I will carry her always and it shows that even though Lilly died, my love for her never will. And while I still have moments where I miss her so very much, I still love and cherish and appreciate what I still have in this life (Lilly included). She is not here physically and while her death does not consume me nor define me or her, the emotions certainly have not nor will ever leave me. That also doesn't mean I don't take the time I have with my living children for granted. This blog is dedicated to Lilly's memory and so this space is specific to writing in regards to anything related to my grief for myself in missing Lilly. It does not mean I am consumed by it and really, should I be blamed if I did? Yes, I have living children, but those living children do not replace Lilly, just as Lilly does not replace my living children. They each and INDIVIDUALLY are EQUALLY important to me and I love ALL of my children here on earth or in heaven.
I know you will always love Lilly and carry her in your heart. Just because you work, have a home & family to care for and sometimes don't have time to post, that does not diminish your love and honor for Lilly's sweet life. I don't remember BD parties getting to me, but baby showers did. I was not able to go to a baby shower for several years after Meredith died. But I have always loved the baby department of any store I visit. To this day, I look at the tiny fashions and think about how I would have loved to see her in this one or that one. (((HUGS))) to you - thinking of you and your family often and remembering sweet Lilly Elizabeth.
ReplyDeleteJe suis heureuse de ces quelques nouvelles et je suis désolée pour votre amie qui rentre dans cette famille des "mam'anges" (en france ont utilise cette abréviation pour désigner les mamans des bébés anges, je trouve cette abréviation si douce et si cruelle à la fois. on sait l'Amour que vous portez à Lilly, il n'est ni mesurable, ni quantifiable. Comme chaque mère vous aimez de façon démesurée et éternelle
ReplyDeleteI did not even consider attending first birthday parties and how that would affect me either. When the time of year rolled around and the friends' babies that were due the same week turned one, I just could not go.
ReplyDeleteI have attended one since then but it was after Claire was born, not sure I would've been able to do it sooner. {{hugs}}
You will always carry Lilly with you as you live your life. Those of us who have lost certainly understand the ways that you feel. Glad to see you posting again.
ReplyDeleteOlá minha querida irmã Graça e Paz.
ReplyDeleteParabéns pelo blog muito edificante para as nossas vidas.
Quero aproveitar a oportunidade e compartilhar com a amada irmã Uma Mensagem Edificante para Alma.
Ficaremos felizes por vossa visita e mais ainda se nos seguir-nos.
Deus te abençoe ricamente
Josiel Dias
Mensagem Edificante para alma
http://josiel-dias.blogspot.com
Rio de Janeiro