It's been awhile...again.
I have been wanting to write more often than I have been because in the past this has been such a great outlet for me, and lately I have been feeling the need to have an outlet.
To be honest, that feeling has never truly left, and it pains me to admit that I have allowed myself to make excuses for not having time. I feel it means I am not making time for Lilly, which I know is not true, but my heart feels guilty anyway. I know at times the reason I stopped writing here was because in those moments, I felt I no longer needed to vent about my grief as often as I was in the beginning.
I have often wondered if perhaps that's why I feel the first year of living without Lilly was in a way more manageable than this year has been, because I had an outlet.
I have been missing the moments of peace I would get. I feel like those are fewer and farther between than before. I can not even remember the last time I felt a moment of peace wash over me. I do remember feeling them as I wrote how I felt. So I hope in writing this I am able to feel a moment of peace again. The same peace I felt wash over me the day of her funeral.
I have gotten to the place where I cry when I talk about her. Maybe its guilt. I want to talk about her but feel joy not sadness. Maybe its a balance; I felt the joy more immensely than the sorrow and now its time for me to feel the sorrow more than the joy.
I still don't want her death to be more important than her life. I think that I am conflicted because what I want is not coincidung with how I feel.
I know I can't control it. I also know the pain is a reminder that she was physically here. I just feel sad.
Before Lilly I did not like the feeling of not being in control, and after she died I could accept that I am not in control easily. Now I am back to not liking that feeling. It's a lot more stressful feeling this way though. I miss letting go and trusting and accepting what is meant to happen will happen.
In a way I still feel that way, just not nearly as dominant as before.
I need to remind myself that it is ok to feel conflicted. There is no manual for losing a child. There is no right or wrong way, and grief changes and grows as we do. Losing a child is still new to me. I have a lifetime of learning how to live with it. I won't ever get it right, I will not get used to it, and that's ok. I am not meant to.