My goal is to make her life bigger than her death. Sometimes I just am not able to.
Do I linger in the sadness?
Do I get angry?
Do I get bitter?
Do I cry?
A lot more than you know.
Do I feel love when I think of her?
There are a plethora of emotions I go through.
Understanding. Patience. Kindness. Empathy. Compassion.
When I am in one of my selfish phases where I have only enough in me to take care of the family I have left.
And as irrational as I may be, please understand I live this everyday it does not go away. The pain never ends. It only gets less heavy at times.
Just know that my smile will return. My hopeful nature will return. My positive happy self will be back.
But sometimes, just sometimes I need to mourn her, to grieve her. To cry for her.
Sometimes the burden gets too hard to carry and I need to rest in order to regain my strength to move forward again. I don't have a choice but I do need a minute or two to feel the sadness. Anger. Pain. Selfishness. Sadness.
A word can change my mood in a heartbeat especially near the time of her anniversaries. It may be irrational and stupid but it happens.
If you love me then please show me. Understand that my mood is not a personal attack against you or anyone. It is merely me dealing with what I need to when I need to.
I try not to take it out on anyone, but I am human and it happens. Please just remember that we all have moments where we break and hurt the ones we love unintentionally. Please believe I try really hard not to do that.
I am in no way excusing my behavior. I know there are no circumstances where bad behavior should be justified.
I am merely asking for mercy (understanding, patience, kindness, empathy, compassion).