But then...

I am sitting here thinking of how to word what I want to say in this post.

I have stepped away from the "grieving world" for some time now. It was in no way out of disrespect. I could say life got busy, but life is always busy. I just allowed myself to get caught up in the busyness of life, not prioritizing time for my grief to surface. 

I think of Lilly and all the babies'/children(s)'s families I have met often, and what a very heavy journey this is we have been asked to travel upon.

I started to feel a heavier sadness seeing all the infant loss and child loss happening and just didn't know how to keep up with it all. It's not possible, there are so many who have been "chosen" to walk this path.

I admit I myself became overwhelmed by it all. It's unfair, so unfair. It breaks my heart that Lilly died. There will always be a piece of my heart missing and whenever I learn of a new family's journey whether someone I know personally or meet through the internet, the tender area near my missing piece is poked, and it stings. My heart aches for and with them knowing the journey they are now and forever on until their time ends on this earth.

I realize now that though it is hard to be a part of this journey sometimes, no matter what I am always and forever on it. It is my path to walk and it may be harder at times than others. Bearable one minute and not at all the next. I feel more at peace, as much as one can feel, involved as much as I can be, when I can. This is not a part time journey.  It is a journey with hills, mountains, pits, and valleys, never knowing one moment to the next what level altitude I will be at.