Woke up again to that feeling. That huge weight of dread in my heart and the pit of my stomach. It's been awhile since I have felt it this strongly. Just a reminder that it can hit you hard at any moment.
The second year of Lilly's death has so far been the hardest. It took me a year and a half to stop feeling so heavy. Needless to say, it was a very rough year for me.
Whenever this feeling pops up and hits me so hard I feel as though the wind has been knocked out of me.
During that year I was not my best self, though I did still participate just with weights on my ankles. And then the guilt weighs in for the things that suffer.
Coming out of the pit I feel I can say for me I am better for it. I learned from that time in my life and feel more prepared for lack of a better word. And not prepared in the sense that it won't be as strong when it hits me. Just so much that I can KNOW there is light at the end of such a dark tunnel. That thought alone will help me get through it.
I lost my daughter it's ok that things will be harder for me and that my emotions will be so raw and tender.
So today as I feel that anguish in my heart it reminds me she was here. She existed. And I know that whether this feeling lasts for mere seconds longer or years, eventually I will feel less of the weight of it for another cycle someday. There is always hope!
Another lesson I feel my daughter has taught me.