Always will

I am always going to miss her. Its always going to hurt.

As much happiness and joy in this life I will always have a hint of pain in her not being here.

These thoughts are everyday, every moment. Bittersweet moments. Always.

That being said. I still want her life to be bigger than her death and my way in doing that is living my life to the best of my ability. Spending time with loved ones over chores that can be done when they go to bed. There will always be time to clean. There will not always be time to hug or talk to a loved one, a child.

I want to show kindness and compassion especially when its hard. Isn't that when they say it counts the most. Its so hard though but I try again every time I fail. And I do fail, for those of you who think I don't know that please know I know I fail because I accept that I am human and were meant to fail in order to learn.

For those of you who think I think I am better than you, please know that is far from the truth. I only try to be the person I want to aspire to be. I want to lead by example so its not personal in any way.

Please know just because I accept that I fail it does not mean that I want my nose rubbed in my mistakes every time I make them.

Please also know I bleed. I cry. I hurt. Just like you. I smile but that doesn't mean my life has no pain. I lost a child. It should be obvious my life has more pain than thankfully some of you will never know as parents.

The holidays made me more emotional before Lilly was born so her not being here just adds another type of emotion to it.  I love this time of year. Celebrating peace. Love. Jesus.

Mostly love.

As much as i love this time of year I still miss her. I will always miss her. But most importantly I LOVE her.

Love to me is what gets me through so I focus on that. I focus on my relationship with God even though I have been failing at that lately too.

I focus on loving those here with me because I never know when my or their last breath will be. If anything Lilly has taught me there are more important things than my pride, my house looking like its never been lived in, winning the argument.

Through all this I am always missing her. Living my life, but will always miss her.

I apologize for all the jumping around but I had to get all this out. Have had this on my heart.

Missing Her

Been listening a lot to the song "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry.

The words,

"Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother. She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors"

"The sharp knife of a short life"

and

"I've had just enough time" resonate with me.  They comfort me, as much as a grieving mother who still misses her baby can be comforted.

Just missing Lilly ever so much. Bittersweet. Heart aches. Honored to be her mother. Proud to have her as my daughter, but still and always ... missing her.

Am i asking too much?

My goal is to make her life bigger than her death.  Sometimes I just am not able to.

Do I linger in the sadness?
Sometimes

Do I get angry?
Sometimes

Do I get bitter?
Sometimes.

Do I cry?
A lot more than you know.

Do I feel love when I think of her?
Always!

There are a plethora of emotions I go through.

What helps?

Understanding. Patience. Kindness. Empathy. Compassion.

When I am in one of my selfish phases where I have only enough in me to take care of the family I have left. 

And as irrational as I may be, please understand I live this everyday it does not go away. The pain never ends.  It only gets less heavy at times.

Just know that my smile will return. My hopeful nature will return. My positive happy self will be back.

But sometimes, just sometimes I need to mourn her, to grieve her. To cry for her.

Sometimes the burden gets too hard to carry and I need to rest in order to regain my strength to move forward again. I don't have a choice but I do need a minute or two to feel the sadness. Anger. Pain. Selfishness. Sadness.

A word can change my mood in a heartbeat especially near the time of her anniversaries. It may be irrational and stupid but it happens.

If you love me then please show me. Understand that my mood is not a personal attack against you or anyone. It is merely me dealing with what I need to when I need to.

I try not to take it out on anyone, but I am human and it happens. Please just remember that we all have moments where we break and hurt the ones we love unintentionally. Please believe I try really hard not to do that.

I am in no way excusing my behavior. I know there are no circumstances where bad behavior should be justified.

I am merely asking for mercy (understanding, patience, kindness, empathy, compassion).