So lately I found it curious as to why I was in such a good mood. Christmas is my favorite holiday but this would be our first without Lilly so I anticipated a full on explosion of emotions being that I LOVE Christmas and could not spend it complete with all FOUR of my children. It always feels like its from one extreme to the next with my grieving. One minute I'm excited and completely happy, the next I'm down and on the verge of tears. But I guess what goes up must come down at some point.
Don't get me wrong, I do feel sad that Lilly is not here with me. I feel that is natural and expected and entitled. I do not think that it means I am wrong to feel this way nor anyone should have that right to question or tell me it is wrong. I recently had a person ask me if I thought about Lilly everyday and I said yes, I think about all my children on a daily basis. She then asked me if I thought that not talking about her would make me forget her. I said no I won't forger her ever. She then tried preceeded to inform me that "you won't forget her if you stop talking about her" which made me feel like she was trying to talk me out of talking about my daughter because it made her sad. Her words "it just makes me sad" and I told her I am not trying to make you sad, but she is MY daughter and I am not going to stop. I had noticed that she seemed to be offended when I talked about Lilly, but as I said before, I don't care its not about that person its about MY daughter. Yes it may make them sad but honestly and bluntly its not about them. I really don't want to waste my time feeling this way towards a person who doesn't deserve my anger. I really even debated posting about this at all. But feel that its worth it for me to vent, to get it off my chest and let it go. Needless to say if anyone knows one thing about me its do NOT tell me how to grieve, do NOT tell me to stop talking about my daughter. I talk about all my children, anyone who truly knows me and pays attention to me knows that I do. She said "you do?" like "really?". I usually don't let people get to me like that anymore, but she just kept pushing and pushing. I told her that everyone grieves differently and no one has the right to tell anyone how to grieve. And its only been 10 months. That's beside the point it can be 10 years from now and still will be acceptable for me to talk about my daughter. She then agreed with me???? So what was the point? I don't care and I don't care to rehash it with her. I've made up my mind, she went a little too far on something that is personal and I am steering clear.
On that same day I had a dear friend tell me that she wrote her paper on abortion and she used us and Lilly as an example for her against argument (she argued both sides of course). I was just extremely happy to hear that Jennifer wanted to use Lilly's story. She referenced this blog and she also is going to give me a copy to read and has given me permission to post her paper here so I look forward to reading it.