"If you are going through hell, keep going." - Sir Winston Churchill
"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." - Miyazawa Kenji
"It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light." - Taylor Benson
"The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears." - John Vance Cheney
Recently there has been some animosity expressed surrounding the death of famous actor Paul Walker.
I want to take this opportunity to express where I am coming from. I mourn all kinds of lives lost. From those who very few knew lived. My own daughter, nieces, friends family members, veterans, service workers, and yes even famous people. I feel no matter how well known or least known someone is, their life matters.
Lilly is mourned by people who have never met her and as a mother who buried a child I am grateful for the comfort that brings.
There were those who felt how can we mourn her when we chose to continue with our pregnancy. In other words we knew her life would be short. There was jealousy and bitterness and let me tell you that is the last thing I wanted or needed surrounding Lilly's death.
So I pray that peace surround his family and friends especially his parents and daughter. They are in my thoughts and prayers.
Did I know him personally, no. Though there are many I mourn who I have never met.
I feel their families deserve to be surrounded by as much comfort as one can have with any loss.
I am sorry that my posting an article of a famous person on my Facebook page has irritated any of you. It was not my intention and of course I respect you are allowed to feel as you do. Also please know that I post other articles of other lives lost as well and most not famous.
And yes because he was famous his death will be more famous than most. Is it fair? Probably not. But I don't feel that his death should receive any less respect, sympathy, and empathy than those who die a less famous death.
I feel a loss is a loss.
While the "natural" effect this anniversary has on me is of course expected, the intensity always knocks the wind out of me.
It's as if those moments happened yesterday where we were told our baby's condition is "incompatible with life"
My first thought on those words today are full of gratefulness for the doctor's attempt at trying to use caution in delivering news that no matter how it was worded would never be gentle on the ears nor the heart.
There is no right way to tell someone their loved one is not going to live long or if at all. A baby's fatal diagnosis is no exception.
We were strangers to him and though our first and only meeting happened under these painful circumstances I think as fondly as one can of a messenger who brings such heartbreaking news.
I feel his consideration and his intent to speak with such care and gentleness speaks highly of his character. I will forever be grateful for his compassion in such a difficult position for any of us to have been in.
This day and the days leading up to it were emotional for me. I have been an emotional mess. Crying at every song, every memory that we had with her. Especially for every memory we will never get a chance to have.
October 27 was the day we were told the most difficult of news to hear. Although it hurts like hell I am grateful to remember it like it was yesterday. Any memory where all four of my children existed here together is worth all the pain that missing Lilly brings into my heart.
Woke up again to that feeling. That huge weight of dread in my heart and the pit of my stomach. It's been awhile since I have felt it this strongly. Just a reminder that it can hit you hard at any moment.
The second year of Lilly's death has so far been the hardest. It took me a year and a half to stop feeling so heavy. Needless to say, it was a very rough year for me.
Whenever this feeling pops up and hits me so hard I feel as though the wind has been knocked out of me.
During that year I was not my best self, though I did still participate just with weights on my ankles. And then the guilt weighs in for the things that suffer.
Coming out of the pit I feel I can say for me I am better for it. I learned from that time in my life and feel more prepared for lack of a better word. And not prepared in the sense that it won't be as strong when it hits me. Just so much that I can KNOW there is light at the end of such a dark tunnel. That thought alone will help me get through it.
I lost my daughter it's ok that things will be harder for me and that my emotions will be so raw and tender.
So today as I feel that anguish in my heart it reminds me she was here. She existed. And I know that whether this feeling lasts for mere seconds longer or years, eventually I will feel less of the weight of it for another cycle someday. There is always hope!
Another lesson I feel my daughter has taught me.
I am sitting here thinking of how to word what I want to say in this post.
I have stepped away from the "grieving world" for some time now. It was in no way out of disrespect. I could say life got busy, but life is always busy. I just allowed myself to get caught up in the busyness of life, not prioritizing time for my grief to surface.
I think of Lilly and all the babies'/children(s)'s families I have met often, and what a very heavy journey this is we have been asked to travel upon.
I started to feel a heavier sadness seeing all the infant loss and child loss happening and just didn't know how to keep up with it all. It's not possible, there are so many who have been "chosen" to walk this path.
I admit I myself became overwhelmed by it all. It's unfair, so unfair. It breaks my heart that Lilly died. There will always be a piece of my heart missing and whenever I learn of a new family's journey whether someone I know personally or meet through the internet, the tender area near my missing piece is poked, and it stings. My heart aches for and with them knowing the journey they are now and forever on until their time ends on this earth.
I realize now that though it is hard to be a part of this journey sometimes, no matter what I am always and forever on it. It is my path to walk and it may be harder at times than others. Bearable one minute and not at all the next. I feel more at peace, as much as one can feel, involved as much as I can be, when I can. This is not a part time journey. It is a journey with hills, mountains, pits, and valleys, never knowing one moment to the next what level altitude I will be at.
