Missing her

It was 5 years this February since we said goodbye to our youngest child.  It feels so close to that time yet so far away.

I still feel I am applying all that she taught me in my everyday life about compassion, love, kindness especially in the face of harshness or even when it is not reciprocated. It doesn't have to be though, for that is not the point.

I've been through hell and back missing her but today I am in a good place with missing her. Yes it hurts, it will always hurt. Some days will always be better than others and today is one of those "better" than others day.

Some may say move on and I am moving ... But forward not on.  For I can and never will move on.  Again for me moving on means forgetting her and that is something I will not choose to do. I feel I am doing the best that I can.

To those who do not understand, that is completely fine I am not asking you to. 

To those I may make uncomfortable on the days that are not "better" than others I understand where you are coming from. Just know that I am still me just a little sad that day.

To those who have been there by my side and have supported me it helps more than you think it does.

I have not really felt I was able to fully feel the weight of her five year anniversaries.  Then again I won't ever fully feel any specific way about her being gone.

Losing a child is not a pain I wish on my worst enemy (if I had one).  It is a pain beyond all measure. No wise words could even come close to describing it.

Some days I feel so far from her it is hard to fully visualize the few memories we have of her. It pains me to say some days those memories are just too painful to visualize and I can not even begin to try and stop the tears.

Today though, today I feel the positivity, love, and peace that I always want to hold onto.