Dark day...

*** I wrote this on Lilly's birthday. It was a tough one for me this year and I thought I had published it. I am posting this as is without editing.

First off let me say that some of this is gonna sound selfish.  And I am at peace with that because this is my space to feel free to say what is on my heart in relation to a life lived without Lilly. 

This has definitely been a difficult birthday for me.  I spent a lot of Monday in tears. I left work early and drove to the cemetery to visit her and had a good cry.  Then I headed to the church but it was locked so I ended up at a lake.  I sat on a swinging bench just basking in the beauty that is nature. 

I spent most of Tuesday in bed just not finding the strength to pull myself up.  I was in a dark place and yes I was feeling sorry for myself and I feel moments of that are allowable and should be expected for one who has lost a child.  I also feel I know what I can take and I knew I didn't need any outside pressures on top of the pain in my heart I was already experiencing so me lying in bed watching re runs was all I could take.  I feel I have to have those moments where its just about how I feel because for those of you who have not lost a child believe me when I say those moments are much needed. Those of you who can only imagine how losing a child feels its that and ten times a million more painful than you can fathom.

I have struggled with myself with guilt mostly. Guilt of letting others down by choosing to take these moments these last couple of days. While I expect difficult and dark moments to happen it still hits me. In some small way its like seeing someone about to punch you and you brace for impact and know the pain is coming but you never really can prepare for the impact. Only with a punch coming your way (unless someone comes from behind and sucker punches you) there is a slight moment of preparing for impact. Well with waves of grief while I know they are coming it doesn't make it less painful and there is no bracing for impact. We call them waves because they come over you and then you have to kick like hell to get to the surface and catch your breath and for those of you who have ever been hit by a wave and swallowed under water know that's not an easy task.

For me when I feel this way I limit interaction with anything or anyone I feel in my perception which of course is my reality (told you I was gonna be selfish in this post) are holding my head under the water so to speak unintentional or otherwise.  I say that because intentional or not it still hurts and when you are in this dark place of grief that I speak of you don't need anyone or anything putting salt on an unhealed wound.  And I feel people might misunderstand. I don't mean we have more of a right to be sad than the next person.  Pain is pain, it hurts and we all have a right to feel as we do. What I am saying is I just want the same right as anyone else and sometimes I don't have room for anything else but to be sad. My daughter is dead can you really blame me for wanting moments of selfishness.

There are those who miss Lilly and remember her daily with us and I love that we can share our memories and our thoughts about Lilly. I am grateful in ways words may never express.  We have had such a great support system starting for me with God.

There have been moments throughout this journey where I felt it was so dark and God has given me lights to help me find my way out of the muddy and slippery pit of grief. 

People have said we have a great support system and we do and I don't take that for granted.

I also can't imagine going through this without God.  I feel He is my strongest supporter whether I always know it or not. 

Knowing He is with me has helped me even in my darkest moments.  Just accepting His unconditional love for me helps me to always know that no matter how dark it gets, with Him there is always Hope.

I am reminded of a quote I heard a little bit after we buried Lilly's vessel. "God never promised us a road filled without strife. But in our darkest moments it is important to remember that He did promise to never abandon us." I have never forgotten that and I feel that along with the support system we have been fortunate to have I know there is always a light at the end of the tunnel or a hand to help me out of the pit.

I wouldn't trade a single second of her nine months in utero and six days, five hours, and thirty minutes on earth for not having the pain of not having her here with me.

I recently heard that if to love and have your heart broken means "tragedy", then give me "tragedy" I agree if not having this pain means losing Lilly in the sense that she never existed, I would rather live with this pain. Because with this pain there is still Love :)

I also feel we wouldn't know love without pain. We would take it for granted, take the ones we love for granted if we didn't feel that they at any moment could disappear from our world.  I truly believe one cannot exist without the other.

And if to know true love is to know pain then I welcome love with open arms.

A new year's wish to all

First off I would like to wish everyone a "happy" new year. I hope this year brings as much peace and fulfillment that can be brought to those of us on this journey.

I am a little cautious on seeing how this year without Lilly will be "different" from 2011. I have heard people say that some years are harder than others and I feel I defintely experienced that in 2011. My wish is that 2012 will not be one of the "harder" years for myself and especially for others.

I feel like I experienced the deepest part of my despair in missing Lilly and though I know there will be more moments during my lifetime like this I have yet to experience I just want to make sure I never lose sight of the one thing I have said from the beginning that I do not want Lilly's death to be bigger than her life! I get so mad when I lose my grip on that thought.

I feel I was very close to losing sight of that in 2011. So here I start  another year living without Lilly. May all of us who walk this journey find as much peace and joy that can be found. Though the tears will never cease and the heartache never end, may we all find some comfort in the year 2012. I have a feeling all our children want that for us. *hugs*

There is light at the end of the tunnel

My grief has felt very heavy these past two days, and today I felt my hope was hanging on by a very thin piece of thread.

It's been such an emotional roller coaster and I was unsure how much more I would be able to bear. I found myself praying a simple, desperate prayer "Lord, help." "Please help."

I do not like feeling this heavy, it can be terribly exhausting.  I started to think that I had so much hope when Lilly was here even while I accepted the reality of her having anencephaly, that how could I be so close to losing hope now? 

And it was not hope towards anything in particular it was more so just in regards to missing her and not being able to grasp the joy that she brought and still brings. I felt lost in a fog of disappointment and I am not used to nor do I enjoy feeling this way so I  struggle to bear it, and it usually doesn't last this long nor hit this hard. It was a bit overwhelming.

I have felt a lack of motivation in getting the ornaments on our tree. We have a tradition on my husband's side where his parents give each family member an ornament each year for Christmas and those ornaments go on our tree every year. They did get us an ornament last year that was one you personalize and it has six spots, so I wrote down all our names. It's a nice keepsake to have.

While I was admiring our collection it saddened me to think Lilly will not be collecting anymore ornaments like the rest of us. So I was thinking last night of making or buying Lilly an ornament each year and am mixing it with Alanna's suggestion and having the kids help us decorate or pick one out every Christmas. I look forward to adding this new tradition that will in a way keep Lilly a part of this special Christmas tradition. I feel it will be a great way to honor her and keep her with us in what limited ways we can.

I have struggled with the unfairness of it all and had some selfish thoughts. I don't think I have really explored that emotion in a long while.  Eventually a peace fell over me and my spirit calmed and I was once again reminded that  only God can see the bigger picture when I can not or am unwilling to. I may not ever know or understand which I am sure will bring on heavy frustration at times, but that is where faith and trust play a BIG part. I am asked to follow blindly, so I will.  And  when I find it difficult to, its ok that I feel this way as long as I keep coming back to this realization.

I also struggled with the fear that people have forgotten Lilly and that did not help matters.

So yesterday I confided this to a  coworker who said Lilly will always be remembered and told me how she still carries a prayer card from Lilly's funeral service in her car. She went on to say that she will never be forgotten and reminded me that Lilly accomplished so much in such a little time, more than probably most people have or will do in their lifetime.

There are those close to me who I feel blatantly forget Lilly and it hurts, but I also was given a better perspective by this same coworker. I need to focus on the ones that choose to remember her with me.  It is sad that there are those that refuse to, but it is their loss to not treat her like she was a human being and sweep her under the rug as if she never existed. I feel Lilly deserves better than that.

Yes it hurts at times to remember her when I can not reach out and touch her, but I feel trying to forget her would hurt more. I am going to hurt either way and I choose to hurt while remembering Lilly.

Later that evening, Lilly's older sister and I were spending some time together and we were putting stickers on the pictures we had colored. She said "mommy choose a sticker, please." And as I looked over the stickers I saw one was a small yellow butterfly! I felt that Lilly was peeking at us and letting us know she was doing so. I haven't seen a lot of signs like that in a good while.

And today I picked up a package that contained our oldest daughter's present and the doll had a tag stating her name lady stillwaiting and she was sewn on Feb 26th (Lilly was born in Feb and she is our 4th child, the 26th was her fourth day alive and the number 4 carries great significance on my side of the family) and her personality description was HOPEFUL!

It helped me to start feeling excited about Christmas and reminded me that though it may seem long and bleak, there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

A big ramble....

I can not believe how fast this year has gone. It's been a bumpy road, but not without its joys.

I have had a lot of difficult moments from "its not fair" to " who am I to question His will". I was angry at times at the unfairness but He so quickly reminded me that there is a bigger picture and I have to trust that what is is meant for whatever reasons.

I can't say that its been an easy journey. I have honestly felt the farther away we get from the time Lilly was here the harder its been. It will be two years in February which I still can not believe! I guess you could say year two was harder than year one, but I hear some are harder than others.

Mornings have been hard on me again and I just am finding it hard to be joyful at times, and not for lack of trying. I still am happy but am missing her at the same time. 

I feel blogging helped me keep a more positive perspective so I really am making an effort to continue to do that. I know I keep saying that lol. I just feel its my outlet and for awhile I wasn't allowing myself the time I needed for my emotions on missing Lilly. I have vented to my mom, my husband, and my best friend, and two coworkers so that has helped. But I could only do that every now and then because of life happenings.

This post is a huge ramble which is one of the things I love about blogging. I can ramble :)