Am i asking too much?

My goal is to make her life bigger than her death.  Sometimes I just am not able to.

Do I linger in the sadness?
Sometimes

Do I get angry?
Sometimes

Do I get bitter?
Sometimes.

Do I cry?
A lot more than you know.

Do I feel love when I think of her?
Always!

There are a plethora of emotions I go through.

What helps?

Understanding. Patience. Kindness. Empathy. Compassion.

When I am in one of my selfish phases where I have only enough in me to take care of the family I have left. 

And as irrational as I may be, please understand I live this everyday it does not go away. The pain never ends.  It only gets less heavy at times.

Just know that my smile will return. My hopeful nature will return. My positive happy self will be back.

But sometimes, just sometimes I need to mourn her, to grieve her. To cry for her.

Sometimes the burden gets too hard to carry and I need to rest in order to regain my strength to move forward again. I don't have a choice but I do need a minute or two to feel the sadness. Anger. Pain. Selfishness. Sadness.

A word can change my mood in a heartbeat especially near the time of her anniversaries. It may be irrational and stupid but it happens.

If you love me then please show me. Understand that my mood is not a personal attack against you or anyone. It is merely me dealing with what I need to when I need to.

I try not to take it out on anyone, but I am human and it happens. Please just remember that we all have moments where we break and hurt the ones we love unintentionally. Please believe I try really hard not to do that.

I am in no way excusing my behavior. I know there are no circumstances where bad behavior should be justified.

I am merely asking for mercy (understanding, patience, kindness, empathy, compassion).

Much needed inspiration

"If you are going through hell, keep going." - Sir Winston Churchill

"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." - Miyazawa Kenji

"It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light." - Taylor Benson

"The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears." - John Vance Cheney

A loss is a loss

Recently there has been some animosity expressed surrounding the death of famous actor Paul Walker.

I want to take this opportunity to express where I am coming from.  I mourn all kinds of lives lost. From those who very few knew lived. My own daughter, nieces, friends family members, veterans, service workers, and yes even famous people. I feel no matter how well known or least known someone is, their life matters.

Lilly is mourned by people who have never met her and as a mother who buried a child I am grateful for the comfort that brings.

There were those who felt how can we mourn her when we chose to continue with our pregnancy. In other words we knew her life would be short. There was jealousy and bitterness and let me tell you that is the last thing I wanted or needed surrounding Lilly's death.

So I pray that peace surround his family and friends especially his parents and daughter. They are in my thoughts and prayers.

Did I know him personally, no. Though there are many I mourn who I have never met.

I feel their families deserve to be surrounded by as much comfort as one can have with any loss.

I am sorry that my posting an article of a famous person on my Facebook page has irritated any of you. It was not my intention and of course I respect you are allowed to feel as you do.  Also please know that I post other articles of other lives lost as well and most not famous.

And yes because he was famous his death will be more famous than most. Is it fair? Probably not. But I don't feel that his death should receive any less respect, sympathy, and empathy than those who die a less famous death.

I feel a loss is a loss.

D-day: 4 years ago today.

While the "natural" effect this anniversary has on me is of course expected, the intensity always knocks the wind out of me.

It's as if those moments happened yesterday where we were told our baby's condition is "incompatible with life"

My first thought on those words today are full of gratefulness for the doctor's attempt at trying to use caution in delivering news that no matter how it was worded would never be gentle on the ears nor the heart.

There is no right way to tell someone their loved one is not going to live long or if at all.  A baby's fatal diagnosis is no exception.

We were strangers to him and though our first and only meeting happened under these painful circumstances I think as fondly as one can of a messenger who brings such heartbreaking news.

I feel his consideration and his intent to speak with such care and gentleness speaks highly of his character.  I will forever be grateful for his compassion in such a difficult position for any of us to have been in.

This day and the days leading up to it were emotional for me.  I have been an emotional mess. Crying at every song, every memory that we had with her. Especially for every memory we will never get a chance to have.

October 27 was the day we were told the most difficult of news to hear. Although it hurts like hell I am grateful to remember it like it was yesterday.  Any memory where all four of my children existed here together is worth all the pain that missing Lilly brings into my heart.