Wednesday, February 23, 2011

My heart is heavy

    Today was a more difficult day than the last two have been and we have yet to meet up with the one year anniversary of Lilly's angel day on 2/28/2011.  I have not really allowed myself to go there yet as I do not feel quite ready for that.  I plan on packing up Lilly's stuff soon after passing the one year angel day anniversary.

    I am praying for a dear friend of mine and her daughter who is in the hospital today.  Her family has had a long and hard journey and I continue to pray for them as I have.  I wish I could go into more detail than that, but I can say is this family is very deserving of prayers. I feel guilty in that despite my grieving I only wish I could do more for them.

    It has been a rock hard sad day.  I went to work attempting to stay the whole day, but alas to no avail I left for the day.  I visited my friend whom I am praying for in the hospital and I hung out at home wishing to escape my thoughts and the pain of what this journey sometimes and most recently brings.  I felt like I took two steps back in the grieving department, but I know now that it is all a part of my grieving process.  In the beginning I allowed myself every tear and every depressive thought as well as every joy and every smile that emerged in life's journey as well as and especially when it involved reminiscing on the joys that were surrounding the time we spent with Lilly.  I found great need for comfort that I knew would never be enough.  I couldn't stay home, yet I couldn't go anywhere, I was frozen today.  I wanted to lay in bed close out the light and just close my eyes and escape away from all the aching.  I know tomorrow will be another day and we'll see where it leads me, but as for heart is indeed heavy.


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