With Lilly's first heavenly birthday fast approaching I find that I have been on the same roller coaster of emotions as the day I started my journey of grieving. I was set in what I planned, something private just me, Jim and the kids, a butterfly birthday cake I would attempt to make and frog cupcakes that our oldest son wanted to make for his dear sister. I also plan on wearing a corsage along with a few women that I feel honored would want to participate in wearing.
Today I found myself unmotivated to make the cake, just the cupcakes with the kids. The fact that Lilly was here on her birthday and lived those 9 months in utero and 6 amazing days 5 precious hours and 30 cherished minutes is such a blessing and makes me happy! I think the procrastination of what I planned maybe is my way of thinking if I just keep putting it off then the day won't come.
The one year mark came up so quickly and I guess a little part of me just was not ready for it. I don't think its something I could prepare for no matter how many plans I made. Its the first BIG anniversary of many with her Angel Day on the 28th, and Burial Day soon after on March 3rd.
Earlier I felt that the reason it was so hard for me to plan anything and even implement my planning is because I feel that nothing I do will be adequate enough for Lilly. I just want to honor her the best way that I can. I think of her everyday every second as I do with all my children and my husband as well as my parents and loved ones....but I want these anniversaries to have significance because they matter.
I also am thinking of my dear friend Ann and her daughter Alyssa as she shares the same birthday as Lilly.. She has walked this journey with me and as unfortunate the circumstances are that brought us together, I am grateful to know her and honored she would share Alyssa's life with me.
For all those that are walking this journey, I thank you for allowing me to walk with you and I think of all of you daily. There are so many wonderful people I have met and I am grateful to know. My heart has been touched by so many of you and I can never thank you enough.
I know these next few weeks will be very emotional (in fact the whole month of February has been so much so already) and I find that I am glad that I was able to find an outlet for my grief and find so many that have helped comfort me throughout this past year. I am so humbled by it all.
I miss my dear Lilly and wish I could hug her and kiss her everyday.