I'm going to be honest, I've been struggling a lot today. Its been a day filled with off and on hard moments, and I did not anticipate this day would affect me as much as it has. Mostly it is because I am reminded that a year ago today was the last night that Lilly spent in my tummy and that has been really hard to swallow.
I had celebrations planned for her first heavenly birthday and am going forth with most of them, but today I just lost motivation. Then I thought how sad it is for me to lose motivation the day before a milestone which celebrates the LIFE of my child. Its like everything I did today was a struggle. Confusing even more is the day started out fine, which is odd cause usually mornings are the hardest for me, but slowly as the day progressed it just got harder.
Its weird, but today feels like the hardest grieving day I've ever had since Lilly passed away and it came on strong and without warning so I wasn't at all equipped to handle it. Then again, I don't feel anything could prepare me for how I feel today. For the shortest month in the year, it sure has been a long one.
I do not really like feeling this way because mostly I feel that Lilly's life should be a celebration and her angel day should be a time of bittersweet joy. She is with God in heaven and is well taken care of. So why do I feel sorry for myself? I am not good at feeling this way...I'm still learning how to handle feeling so down like this. I know it is normal, acceptable, valid, and healthy, but more importantly this wave of grief will eventually pass as it has before but while I am in it, I just feel so heavy.
I anticipate tomorrow will be better being that Lilly beat the odds that were set against her by Dr's and their opinions as well as online studies, but most importantly she LIVED! One of the Hospice volunteers called and it was an amazing conversation. We discussed how yes, parents are NOT supposed to bury their children, that is not considered to be "normal" but how death is a "normal" part of life and so in a way Lilly's existence is normal in the way that her life span included life (in utero, out here with us) & the unfortunately and ever infamous death. What is not deemed "normal" is the amount of time that she lived being a newborn as opposed to my own time as an adult and her parent, which I would have traded in a heartbeat.
She knew the best part of life; FRIENDSHIP, HOPE, but MOST importantly LOVE & now she knows everlasting LOVE! What more could a mother ask for?.
Yes, I miss her dearly and that will never change. I've learned so much from her and continue to see the ripples in which she has set in motion. She may be small, but she is mighty! I want to thank those of you who are thinking of our family and our baby girl Lilly as we approach our first year anniversaries. It has not been an easy road and I imagine I will continue to learn to live with this pain of missing her, but also the joy of having known her.