I copied this from a dear friend Penny's blog. This family is amazing and Melissa's blog for Amelia has truly been inspiring. I feel very blessed to know this family and to know dear sweet Amelia through her mother Melissa. I keep this family very close to my heart.
I am asking that anyone who reads this today will take the time to pray for Melissa and Amelia. Melissa is a friend that I met online and her daugter Amelia has also been diagnosed with anencephlay. Her husband Tim and son Noah also need your prayers. They are schcedeuled for a c-section tomorrow. Please pray that God will surround them with his peace and comfort them. I am also praying that they get to spend lots of time with sweet Amelia. They are an amazing family-and Amelia is an amazing little baby.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
"Lilly is home"
Yesterday we all went to get our haircuts and the lady who was cutting our oldest daughter's hair asked her if she was the only girl and she said "No we have Lilly" no one asked where she was but the fact that she just thinks of Lilly as her sister and still does whether she is here or not just amazes me. It melts my heart :)
Today I went shopping for a baby shower gift. I've been in the baby section so many times (as our youngest son is still in pull ups at night). I have bought baby items during Easter for my soon to be arriving (any day now) nephew, so I have been in the baby aisle quite often since having had Lilly. For some reason today was the first time I was almost overwhelmed with the bittersweetness of it all. There were so many cute items for girls. One thing that helps me get through it is I do have reasons to shop in that section just not for my own baby. Another is those cute things were there before Lilly was born and there will be cute things long after I am gone. Its funny what thoughts we use to help get us through.
There was a onesie that said "born in 2010" and I just had to get it for my friend/coworker. They had it in pink and blue. I checked because Alanna is having a girl :) I love babies and am excited for all babies. I have held a 10 month old baby girl since having lost Lilly and have been around several babies. Yes it is bittersweet in that it is a reminder that my Lilly is not here with me, but at the same time I don't really need reminders as I live with this fact every single second of every single day. And the joy surrounding other babies is a reminder of the joy I felt when Lilly was here in my arms and just the joy in being her mother.
I had to pause in the section of blankets as I just had to breathe and compose myself so I didn't lose it in the middle of the store. Next thing I know my eye scans over a pink blanket with butterflies on the edge. I feel it was Lilly showing me she was with me (just a reminder she had a butterfly on the outfit she was wearing when she passed away and butterflies are very significant in my family as well). I felt that she was telling me to buy Alanna's daughter (my niece) that blanket. I have to go back and get the onesie and the blanket :)
At the checkout line I heard a baby crying in the next aisle and there were actually two of them. Twins! A boy and a girl. I asked the mom how old and she said "5 months" and then I asked when were they born and she said "Feb 22" Lilly's birthday!!! I told her "aw my youngest daughter was born on Feb 22" and she said "what a great day!" and I agreed. It was a great day!!!! One of the five greatest days in my life (one for my wedding day and one for each of my children's birthday)
Our youngest son had asked to visit Lilly today but it did not work out to where we could but we will go tomorrow I told him. He told me "I miss Lilly" words I hear so often and are bittersweet. Sweet in the fact that they remember and love their sister. They have not forgotten her. Bitter in the fact that they miss her and there is nothing I can do to fix that. I can only be there for them and hug them as we often do when they feel this way.
To close the day I had a great conversation with our oldest daughter. She is so young and yet she remembers such details about Lilly. They have been handling this all so well. They get sad like we do, but they also are happy and continue on while missing her at the same time. Without prompting they talk about Lilly and they ask to visit her grave site often. They are so resilient and inspiring. They amaze me everyday!
I will end with the very precious words from our oldest daughter; these words melted my heart and there's just not much more to add. She said "Lilly is home"
Today I went shopping for a baby shower gift. I've been in the baby section so many times (as our youngest son is still in pull ups at night). I have bought baby items during Easter for my soon to be arriving (any day now) nephew, so I have been in the baby aisle quite often since having had Lilly. For some reason today was the first time I was almost overwhelmed with the bittersweetness of it all. There were so many cute items for girls. One thing that helps me get through it is I do have reasons to shop in that section just not for my own baby. Another is those cute things were there before Lilly was born and there will be cute things long after I am gone. Its funny what thoughts we use to help get us through.
There was a onesie that said "born in 2010" and I just had to get it for my friend/coworker. They had it in pink and blue. I checked because Alanna is having a girl :) I love babies and am excited for all babies. I have held a 10 month old baby girl since having lost Lilly and have been around several babies. Yes it is bittersweet in that it is a reminder that my Lilly is not here with me, but at the same time I don't really need reminders as I live with this fact every single second of every single day. And the joy surrounding other babies is a reminder of the joy I felt when Lilly was here in my arms and just the joy in being her mother.
I had to pause in the section of blankets as I just had to breathe and compose myself so I didn't lose it in the middle of the store. Next thing I know my eye scans over a pink blanket with butterflies on the edge. I feel it was Lilly showing me she was with me (just a reminder she had a butterfly on the outfit she was wearing when she passed away and butterflies are very significant in my family as well). I felt that she was telling me to buy Alanna's daughter (my niece) that blanket. I have to go back and get the onesie and the blanket :)
At the checkout line I heard a baby crying in the next aisle and there were actually two of them. Twins! A boy and a girl. I asked the mom how old and she said "5 months" and then I asked when were they born and she said "Feb 22" Lilly's birthday!!! I told her "aw my youngest daughter was born on Feb 22" and she said "what a great day!" and I agreed. It was a great day!!!! One of the five greatest days in my life (one for my wedding day and one for each of my children's birthday)
Our youngest son had asked to visit Lilly today but it did not work out to where we could but we will go tomorrow I told him. He told me "I miss Lilly" words I hear so often and are bittersweet. Sweet in the fact that they remember and love their sister. They have not forgotten her. Bitter in the fact that they miss her and there is nothing I can do to fix that. I can only be there for them and hug them as we often do when they feel this way.
To close the day I had a great conversation with our oldest daughter. She is so young and yet she remembers such details about Lilly. They have been handling this all so well. They get sad like we do, but they also are happy and continue on while missing her at the same time. Without prompting they talk about Lilly and they ask to visit her grave site often. They are so resilient and inspiring. They amaze me everyday!
I will end with the very precious words from our oldest daughter; these words melted my heart and there's just not much more to add. She said "Lilly is home"
Friday, July 23, 2010
Link to Give Away
Hi all, just a quick post with a link to a giveaway I thought you may enjoy :)
Win some awesome Jewelry from Angie at Vivo Bello
Thursday, July 22, 2010
5 month mark #1
So many emotions this week, that I am feeling a bit exhausted bouncing back and forth through all the different emotions one can imagine. Today started off rough and then went up from there. I feel like my posts lately have had a sad tone to them, but I haven't felt sad all the time. I usually vent about these sad and hard emotions here because I feel this is where I will find understanding and never ending support. That no matter how strong my emotions there is no judgment in that I am doing this wrong or that I am not doing well. It is a place where I feel my sadness is welcome as much as my joy and that because I am sad does not mean that is all I am.
Today the thoughts that occurred to me just briefly were she would have been on cereal last month and starting solid jar food by now. I love the road to solid food, picking out which food to start her on first and then anticipating her reaction to the flavor we picked out. I am not down about this, just thinking about how I will miss this milestone, but at the same time rejoicing in the joy that surrounded her when she was here in my belly and then in my arms.
I have been struggling with how I want to know how to be there for my husband, so for those of you who are not sure how to be there for me, I feel you. I am not sure how to be there for him. If there is anything I have learned from those of you who have been there for me who don't know how to be (and yes I have learned from you all) it is that just being there is enough. That is all anyone can do for me, is just be and let me be me and grieve the way that I feel is right for me.
I do want to talk about the negative I was feeling this morning but only briefly. It is hard to hear people tell me that I am strong. I say the Lord gives me strength and I give Him all the credit. But it is hard in that I feel that because people view me as strong that when they see me weep or what in their minds appear to be "weaknesses" then they just get angry at me. Not on purpose and not intentionally. I think people have a hard time seeing me upset and feeling helpless, I understand that. But I do not believe that crying is a weakness or that it means I am less "strong" than you see me. So sometimes it hurts to hear "you are strong" so thank you to Dianne for listening and humoring me when you said "You are not strong" and thank you also to Sherry for listening to me as always and to everyone who has been there to support and help guide me to be a better person.
I love learning and growing and trying to be as good a person as I can be. I am very hard on myself and am really trying to work on that. I just feel validated when other people agree with my criticisms of myself. I get frustrated with myself and I know that I have gotten better at it since having had Lilly, but there are times where I get in my own way. There is so much that I feel I have learned throughout my 29 years and I feel there is so much more to learn.
I would like to end this post with lyrics to a song that I feel is perfect in how I am feeling right now. It is a beautiful song and I always am waiting to hear this on the radio on my way to or from work.
Christian lyrics - BEFORE THE MORNING LYRICS - JOSH WILSON
Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?
Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see
Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah
Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning
Today the thoughts that occurred to me just briefly were she would have been on cereal last month and starting solid jar food by now. I love the road to solid food, picking out which food to start her on first and then anticipating her reaction to the flavor we picked out. I am not down about this, just thinking about how I will miss this milestone, but at the same time rejoicing in the joy that surrounded her when she was here in my belly and then in my arms.
I have been struggling with how I want to know how to be there for my husband, so for those of you who are not sure how to be there for me, I feel you. I am not sure how to be there for him. If there is anything I have learned from those of you who have been there for me who don't know how to be (and yes I have learned from you all) it is that just being there is enough. That is all anyone can do for me, is just be and let me be me and grieve the way that I feel is right for me.
I do want to talk about the negative I was feeling this morning but only briefly. It is hard to hear people tell me that I am strong. I say the Lord gives me strength and I give Him all the credit. But it is hard in that I feel that because people view me as strong that when they see me weep or what in their minds appear to be "weaknesses" then they just get angry at me. Not on purpose and not intentionally. I think people have a hard time seeing me upset and feeling helpless, I understand that. But I do not believe that crying is a weakness or that it means I am less "strong" than you see me. So sometimes it hurts to hear "you are strong" so thank you to Dianne for listening and humoring me when you said "You are not strong" and thank you also to Sherry for listening to me as always and to everyone who has been there to support and help guide me to be a better person.
I love learning and growing and trying to be as good a person as I can be. I am very hard on myself and am really trying to work on that. I just feel validated when other people agree with my criticisms of myself. I get frustrated with myself and I know that I have gotten better at it since having had Lilly, but there are times where I get in my own way. There is so much that I feel I have learned throughout my 29 years and I feel there is so much more to learn.
I would like to end this post with lyrics to a song that I feel is perfect in how I am feeling right now. It is a beautiful song and I always am waiting to hear this on the radio on my way to or from work.
Christian lyrics - BEFORE THE MORNING LYRICS - JOSH WILSON
Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?
Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see
Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah
Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning
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