Here I Am

"Here I Am"

This is a crazy world
These can be lonely times
It's hard to know who's on your side
Most of the time

Who can you really trust 
Who do you really know
Is there anybody out there 
Who can make you feel less alone
Some times you just can't make it on your own

If you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
I'll always be your friend

When you need some shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, hmmm

If you have broken dreams
Just lay them all on me
I'll be the one who understands
So take my hand

If you reach emptyness

You know I'll do my best
To fill you up with all the love
That I can show someone
I promise you you'll never walk alone

Well if you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
I'll always be your friend

When you need some shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, oooo

Everybody needs somebody who
keep a heart and soul in two

Well if you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
I'll always be your friend

When you need some shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, Here I am 




   I wanted to write about something that has been weighing on my heart for the past four weeks.  I have found that grieving can feel like a very lonely road at times, and when you feel abandoned and alone on top of missing a piece of yourself the pain can become overwhelming during those times.


   Don't get me wrong, there have been people who have come into my life to counter my feeling abandoned.  I of course always feel thought of with my fellow baby loss mothers, for I know they unfortunately understand this lonely and painful part of grieving.  There have also been those constants since the beginning who check in on me from time to time, just letting me know they have not forgotten Lilly or my family.  


   I find it nice when someone close to me can accept the new me.  I am not the same "me" that I once was, I can not be.  I can not expect myself to lose a child and remain unchanged. The part of me which is feeling abandoned has been in regards to my feeling that others close to me are finding it hard to accept the new me, the me that is now and forever a part of as Angie Smith put it "the sacred dance of Grief and Joy".


    I have the song to Leona Lewis' Here I am playing in the background as well as the lyrics posted in this blog entry.  These words have been really close to my heart and I feel the words in this song describe best what I am needing from a friend out there.    


   There is one person in my life who has stuck out lately that has comforted me in my feeling abandoned (as far as friends go) and that person  is my SIL Sarah.  Though she has not always said the right thing, she has listened to me and I feel she has heard all that I have said and all that I have told her I needed and has adapted.  In other words, she has grown and changed with me.  Just as I must adapt to this new world with my new view, she has adapted to my clumsiness in finding my place again.  The world I live in has remained unchanged in other's eyes, but not in my own.  


   Have Sarah and I had our ups and downs, absolutely! Will we have plenty more, definitely! I have been hurt unintentionally on her part numerous times since Lilly passed away.  The reason I feel we have survived is because she allows me to be oversensitive to things and does not attack me even though she is hurt by not saying the right thing or not knowing what she can do for me.  She has truly followed my lead.  She really expects me not to be anything but oversensitive and has stated in her own words "How can she not".  She and I seem to have a mutual compassion for one another as far as when she hurts me whether unintentional majority of the time or not she apologizes,  and I apologize to her for my reactions due to my being oversensitive.  She understands that sometimes I just can not help my over sensitive heart and understands that this is pain, beyond what she can ever imagine.  


  She understands that when I say someone has hurt me unintentionally it means that I know their heart and intentions are in the right place but that I need to express the hurt I feel because honestly, I only have room right now in my heart for only one kind of hurt as I am still in the beginner's session of my dance with grief and joy


   Sarah allows me room to step on her feet as I learn these very unfamiliar and sometimes uncomfortable steps.  Its what I feel I as a new dancer need in order to regain my bearings in this world.  She understands that I am not always going to be graceful, sane, or even rational at times.  Tell me when is anyone ever 100% rational?  I am human, I am going to stumble and fall.  Losing a child is not some everyday event "trial" or "tribulation" its not comparable to "hormones" (although those do not help either :P) or even a "bad day"


   I know stressful, I know busy, and tired, I know "bad days".  I know all the "normal" everyday human emotions as I have experienced all those just as anyone else has.  I have been pregnant and worked and been tired and stressed.  I feel like sometimes people want me to make excuses for them which is fine of course we all have our moments, but then when its my turn its "too much" or they don't know how to respond to that.  I don't know how to respond to what I am dealing with sometimes, thus the term overwhelming.


   The thing is, I am not trying to get anyone to feel as I do, nor do I expect anyone to understand what I am experiencing while learning my new dance in life,  its not for them to do so. I am merely asking for patience and compassion, which I understand is a LOT to ask of someone who has their own lives, and own trials and tribulations and bad days to deal with.  If I hurt you I will of course apologize as that is not my intention, but it does not feel good when it is not reciprocated.  I simply ask if you can not give me what I ask, if it is too much to ask, then please get out of my way.  As harsh as that is, I am in no way trying to hurt you.  Just merely stating that if my stepping on your toes as a grieving mother is too much for you, I truly understand.  The emotion of joy and grief is as I said at times overwhelming for myself to feel so believe me when I say I understand.  At the same time, please understand when I step on your toes by being too oversensitive to what you say you are tripping me during my dance when you say that it is too much for you.  I am also not asking you to dance along with me, just allow me the space to learn my new dance.  For I have to make my dance routine up as I go, and I have to do this on my own, but I am never alone for God is with me even when you can not be there for me.  


    Please also understand that I am in no way depreciating the value of anyone feeling everyday emotions for I still have those as well.  I can be compassionate to those feelings of course. I am merely asking for equal footing and for you to take me as I am.  I completely understand if you can not.  For though there is grief there is joy so much joy.  I have not, nor will I ever forget the joy of holding Lilly those sweet 9 months 6 days, 5 hours, and thirty minutes, as well as the joy in knowing that she is well taken care of.  Is it painful to be without her, yes of course, I would be lying if I denied that.  But there is so much joy as well.  Its two sides of the same coin and I feel one can not exist without the other.  




   

7 months since her birth

    Today marks the seventh month since Lilly's birthday and it has been the hardest yet. It started off with listening to a song in the car that set the waterworks a flowing. I walked into work unable to compose myself. Thank you to those that comforted me today, I really do appreciate it more than you know. Its nice not to have a reaction that makes me feel worse than I already am feeling. Its nice to know that even though to others enough time has passed for them to "move on" for me it has only been seven months and yes emphasis on the "only been" you see time seems to stand still when you are a grieving parent. Every moment, every step at a time is all I can live by these days, and can you blame me? Usually the weeks leading up to the 22nd and the 28th are the most difficult in the month, but I am back to mornings being so hard that I stay up late just to avoid them. Its like being punched in the stomach and when I wake up all the air is sucked out and I'm slowly trying to get it all back in.

    My tears today were strong, but they were happy tears. I felt Lilly with me this morning and that is truly a blessing and I love when I feel her close to me. Sometimes I feel she is so far away and the memories of her are somewhat starting to fade and so when I feel her, its just amazing and I savor every moment. There is such an elation when I feel her this close trying to send me messages saying I am still here mommy.

    I was reading a fellow blogger Jill's blog today dedicated to her babies Emma and Chase and in her post she was discussing how babies being saved and going home just makes her feel happy and I agreed with her. I think some people have a hard time understanding how I can be happy for those women that get to keep their babies while we lost Lilly.  

   This morning the song I was listening to that gave me the impression that Lilly was sending me a message was that yes this cross to bear is difficult and can be overbearing at times, but I can make it through this.  It made me feel I could in some way relate to the pain God felt as they crucified his son, and God knew this would happen though he sent Jesus to us anyway. This song put into perspective that my pain is nothing compared to that of our Lord or that of Jesus as he was nailed and crucified that fateful day.  Where Jeremy Camp sings of Jesus' disgrace it hit a chord as far as lots of grieving families feel forced to sweep their emotions under the rug because others can not bear to see them hurting.  Like its OUR fault they can not fix this.  The people that love and care for us want to help and sometimes get frustrated that they can not they end up unintentionally taking their frustrations out on us.  I have told others what I need from them, acceptance.  I have accepted that this is my cross to bear, and though painful at times, I bear it proudly.  I am not asking anyone to grieve along with me, I would not wish this pain on another living soul, just allow me to do that.  Allow me the right to cry for my daughter, allow me the right to be angry at times, bitter, even oversensitive.  It is enough sometimes to just do "normal" everyday tasks.  

    I just feel that when I am "strong" everyone is OK with me, but then when I am emotional others can not bear it, and that does me no good to have others treat me like I am a carrier of the plague.  I am not contagious and I am not a sickness.  My daughter's death is not a "disease" you can catch.

    There is no disgrace in Jesus' cross, the disgrace lies in that the people who crucified him for whatever reasons, out of fear and frustration at how he made them feel as individuals.  People "crucify" what they do not understand, that was not Jesus' fault.  People act like this is a choice for us, its not.  

   Please do not get me wrong, I am only saying I feel I can get a glimpse of the pain Our Father felt for Jesus.  His pain is infinite compared to my own as He feels for all His children.

  This Man lyrics

In only a moment truth
Was seen revealed this mystery
The crown that showed no dignity he wore
And the king was placed for all the world
To show disgrace but only beauty flowed from this place

Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands

He held the weight of impurity
The father would not see
The reasons had finally come to be to
Show the depth of his grace flowed with
Every sin erased he knew that this was
Why he came

Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands

And we just don't know the blood and
Water flowed and in it all
He showes just how much he cares
And the veil was torn so we could have
This open door and all these things have
Finally been complete

Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
From his hands
From his hands
From his hands
From his hands
From his hands

    I would like to end on a happier note after all my venting.  I have had a couple friends visit Lilly's grave site and I want to show my undying gratitude and appreciation to Alyson, Iris, Krista, Bobby, and kids for taking the time to stop by and visit and to let us know that you do. My mom also visited when she was last in town and she even bought yellow lilies for her.  I can not wait until Jim designs Lilly's marker so that we can have a vase so that I can start to put flower arrangements in.  He has not yet started, and that is OK.  We still buy her flowers, we just lay them down on her grave until the day we have a vase to put them in.  

   This post is pretty much all over the place tonight, as my emotions are most of the time, so for those of you who have chosen to read I appreciate that patience.  

She's more than just a "trial" a "tribulation" or a "bad day"

    I have had so much to write about, but the thoughts flow through my head and I am not in a position at those times to where I can actually sit and write them all down.  I've been irritated, sad, happy, frustrated, guilty, etc, about a lot that relates to grieving.  I write down the topics I want to write about, vent about, to get off my chest, but have yet to write or vent about them.  I need to make the time to do so because I feel it goes against my nature to not vent.  

    I guess I can start with one topic that is not necessarily bothering me today, but has been bothering me off and on since finding out Lilly's diagnosis and since she passed away.  I may have vented about this in the past, but I feel compelled to now, so that I do not let any animosity build inside of me.  Which today its not that's why I feel its fair to vent about this because I am not completely blinded by my animosity.  Though my bringing it up may cause me to feel angry again in regards to this topic.

    When I am having a good grieving moment I can take this in stride.  But when I am in my selfish grieving moment I just do not have the patience, nor the tolerance, for it.  And to be honest I don't want to, and selfishly I do not think I should have to.  That being said, please keep in mind, I am not trying to trivialize what anyone else is going through.  It is when this is said that I just feel like in my darkest moments I am expected to understand and feel better and rise above because others are going through their own trials and tribulations.  Are you kidding me?  My "trial" and "tribulation" (which by the way I dislike Lilly being referred to in that way) makes other people feel lucky in their lives or feel grateful that they are not me, they are not my kids, my husband, even Lilly.

    On my difficult grieving moments, I really do not want to hear "everyone has their own trials and tribulations they are going through, and not everyone thinks or reacts like you do" ok YES I agree people only know what they know and they can not even fathom what this feels like, I get it.  Just like I get the world keeps turning.  The thing is when I am crying because my daughter is dead, please do not tell me that other people have trials and tribulations in an attempt to help me to understand that we all have things we're dealing with.  It really frustrates me that anyone would try to compare the death of MY child to a "bad day".  And I have had "trials" and "tribulations" and "bad days" so I have been there and understand what people feel in those moments, this is beyond measure.  

   I have heard so many times that "we all have trials were going through".  Comparing my daughter's death to others "trials" to me is like devaluing the importance of her LIFE.  Its just frustrating.  I guess people are just trying to make me feel better and in their attempts they are failing in that moment and making me feel worse.  I usually just smile and nod when this is said to me.  I don't know what else to say, to me I feel it should be expected of me to have "moments' to be sad.  It is my right as a mother to grieve the loss of my child, however short lived her life.  Again this is just something that has come up on several occasions since losing Lilly.  I know that no disrespect is meant at all and I do appreciate the effort.  I am frustrated at times by it and I think that is OK.  I am not acting on it, just venting about it and understanding that the people who love me are not trying to hurt me by saying the wrong thing, but sometimes the wrong thing is said because really there are no RIGHT words. I accept that this is my life, that I will have my moments, good or difficult, whatever may come I just have to allow it, feel it, and I feel sometimes others have a harder time accepting this is my life and thats where things get said that leave me hurt and frustrated.  

Chuck Morley

  I wanted to recognize a dear friend today, her name is Cindy. Cindy's husband Chuck recently passed away and today marks one year to the date.  I wanted to acknowledge this date because I have come to know and love both Cindy and Chuck. I have been blessed with the chance to get to know Chuck through his wife Cindy.  I love hearing all about Chuck and the man he is and I will always remember him for.  I know him as a kind and loving man, with a big heart for everyone especially for his wife of 22 years, Cindy.  I think of both often and my heart goes out to Cindy on this day as I can only imagine how it is for her.  I want her to know that Chuck is not forgotten and he will always have a special place in my heart, thanks to her.  There are not enough words to express how deeply my life has been touched by both Chuck and Cindy. I want to thank Cindy for giving me the chance to get to know Chuck, I feel truly honored.