I wanted to explicate a little on the quote I included in my last post and how it was in regards to how I feel about my grief. It in no way means that I judge how anyone chooses to grieve. I've just had several instances in which individuals have tried to get me to stifle my grief because for them its easier to not talk about Lilly and their feelings on missing her, therefore I felt the quote that I had stumbled upon that day embodied how I felt about my grief.
I am a firm believer in that we all must grieve our loved ones in what way fits us best. Whatever way we choose to grieve individually is best. I want to be clear that I in no way judge others on how they choose to grieve. I just was simply stating that the quote was perfect in describing how I am grieving. I understand we all grieve in our own way, and I would not try to talk anyone out of the way they choose to grieve. It is in having those instances with certain individuals where I can not help but think how I would like the same respect in the way I choose to grieve my daughter.
I apologize if I offended anyone in any way, for that was not my intention. I should have thought farther ahead regarding the words in the quote.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Turkish Proverb
EDIT: I have explicated a little on this quote in case I have offended anyone in a more recent post
"He who conceals his grief finds no remedy for it"
I love this. It was taken off a picture that was so delicately and beautifully done in remembrance of a baby who had anencephaly. The support group is Anencephaly_Support I feel this says it all and is so true for me. If I conceal my grief then I won't find what little healing there is after losing one's child. I would like to touch on this a little more in a future post.
My computer was out of commission for a bit, but I am back and hope to post a little more often than I have been. I have posts I've written in a binder so that I could keep track and post when computer was ready for me, as well as for when I was ready. I kind of took a hiatus as well.
Please know that I was thinking about all you mommy's and daddy's out there who walk this same journey I do. Not a day goes by where you are not in my thoughts and prayers. I will also be catching up on as many blog posts as I can that I have not already read, so you may see me around. Hugs to all of you.
"He who conceals his grief finds no remedy for it"
I love this. It was taken off a picture that was so delicately and beautifully done in remembrance of a baby who had anencephaly. The support group is Anencephaly_Support I feel this says it all and is so true for me. If I conceal my grief then I won't find what little healing there is after losing one's child. I would like to touch on this a little more in a future post.
My computer was out of commission for a bit, but I am back and hope to post a little more often than I have been. I have posts I've written in a binder so that I could keep track and post when computer was ready for me, as well as for when I was ready. I kind of took a hiatus as well.
Please know that I was thinking about all you mommy's and daddy's out there who walk this same journey I do. Not a day goes by where you are not in my thoughts and prayers. I will also be catching up on as many blog posts as I can that I have not already read, so you may see me around. Hugs to all of you.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Emotions All Around
So lately I found it curious as to why I was in such a good mood. Christmas is my favorite holiday but this would be our first without Lilly so I anticipated a full on explosion of emotions being that I LOVE Christmas and could not spend it complete with all FOUR of my children. It always feels like its from one extreme to the next with my grieving. One minute I'm excited and completely happy, the next I'm down and on the verge of tears. But I guess what goes up must come down at some point.
Don't get me wrong, I do feel sad that Lilly is not here with me. I feel that is natural and expected and entitled. I do not think that it means I am wrong to feel this way nor anyone should have that right to question or tell me it is wrong. I recently had a person ask me if I thought about Lilly everyday and I said yes, I think about all my children on a daily basis. She then asked me if I thought that not talking about her would make me forget her. I said no I won't forger her ever. She then tried preceeded to inform me that "you won't forget her if you stop talking about her" which made me feel like she was trying to talk me out of talking about my daughter because it made her sad. Her words "it just makes me sad" and I told her I am not trying to make you sad, but she is MY daughter and I am not going to stop. I had noticed that she seemed to be offended when I talked about Lilly, but as I said before, I don't care its not about that person its about MY daughter. Yes it may make them sad but honestly and bluntly its not about them. I really don't want to waste my time feeling this way towards a person who doesn't deserve my anger. I really even debated posting about this at all. But feel that its worth it for me to vent, to get it off my chest and let it go. Needless to say if anyone knows one thing about me its do NOT tell me how to grieve, do NOT tell me to stop talking about my daughter. I talk about all my children, anyone who truly knows me and pays attention to me knows that I do. She said "you do?" like "really?". I usually don't let people get to me like that anymore, but she just kept pushing and pushing. I told her that everyone grieves differently and no one has the right to tell anyone how to grieve. And its only been 10 months. That's beside the point it can be 10 years from now and still will be acceptable for me to talk about my daughter. She then agreed with me???? So what was the point? I don't care and I don't care to rehash it with her. I've made up my mind, she went a little too far on something that is personal and I am steering clear.
On that same day I had a dear friend tell me that she wrote her paper on abortion and she used us and Lilly as an example for her against argument (she argued both sides of course). I was just extremely happy to hear that Jennifer wanted to use Lilly's story. She referenced this blog and she also is going to give me a copy to read and has given me permission to post her paper here so I look forward to reading it.
Don't get me wrong, I do feel sad that Lilly is not here with me. I feel that is natural and expected and entitled. I do not think that it means I am wrong to feel this way nor anyone should have that right to question or tell me it is wrong. I recently had a person ask me if I thought about Lilly everyday and I said yes, I think about all my children on a daily basis. She then asked me if I thought that not talking about her would make me forget her. I said no I won't forger her ever. She then tried preceeded to inform me that "you won't forget her if you stop talking about her" which made me feel like she was trying to talk me out of talking about my daughter because it made her sad. Her words "it just makes me sad" and I told her I am not trying to make you sad, but she is MY daughter and I am not going to stop. I had noticed that she seemed to be offended when I talked about Lilly, but as I said before, I don't care its not about that person its about MY daughter. Yes it may make them sad but honestly and bluntly its not about them. I really don't want to waste my time feeling this way towards a person who doesn't deserve my anger. I really even debated posting about this at all. But feel that its worth it for me to vent, to get it off my chest and let it go. Needless to say if anyone knows one thing about me its do NOT tell me how to grieve, do NOT tell me to stop talking about my daughter. I talk about all my children, anyone who truly knows me and pays attention to me knows that I do. She said "you do?" like "really?". I usually don't let people get to me like that anymore, but she just kept pushing and pushing. I told her that everyone grieves differently and no one has the right to tell anyone how to grieve. And its only been 10 months. That's beside the point it can be 10 years from now and still will be acceptable for me to talk about my daughter. She then agreed with me???? So what was the point? I don't care and I don't care to rehash it with her. I've made up my mind, she went a little too far on something that is personal and I am steering clear.
On that same day I had a dear friend tell me that she wrote her paper on abortion and she used us and Lilly as an example for her against argument (she argued both sides of course). I was just extremely happy to hear that Jennifer wanted to use Lilly's story. She referenced this blog and she also is going to give me a copy to read and has given me permission to post her paper here so I look forward to reading it.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Nine Months
Exactly nine months ago today Lilly Elizabeth was born. I've thought about this day and anticipated it would be much harder than it actually was. Nine months, almost the exact amount of time I carried her in my tummy has passed since her birth. I imagined I would be feeling loads of despair today, that with it also being the one year anniversary since Uncle Joel's passing and the week of celebrating our first Thanksgiving without Lilly physically here with us.
I did have a moment this morning where I just cried allowing myself to feel the pain. There was of course also moments where I felt torn between feeling joy and being happy and then feeling like that was wrong, that I should be more sad today. Just a plethora of emotions as always, but mostly today I felt joy and happiness, and I felt that was the right way to feel today.
It is not always going to be easy and I find that my anticipation is sometimes more emotional than the actual reason for the anticipation. There are moments where I feel the despair of grief quite strongly, but there are more moments in between where I do not. I've learned this does not mean that I love her any less, and it does not mean that I have forgotten her or "moved on". I will never do any of that. It just means that I am doing just what I need to be doing in order to live a life as a parent surviving one of her children. My love for Lilly has not subsided in the least and I will always go back and forth through the same emotions I have written about here for the rest of my life. I love her so much and miss her so much! No matter what emotion I am going through at the time, that will never change.
I did have a moment this morning where I just cried allowing myself to feel the pain. There was of course also moments where I felt torn between feeling joy and being happy and then feeling like that was wrong, that I should be more sad today. Just a plethora of emotions as always, but mostly today I felt joy and happiness, and I felt that was the right way to feel today.
It is not always going to be easy and I find that my anticipation is sometimes more emotional than the actual reason for the anticipation. There are moments where I feel the despair of grief quite strongly, but there are more moments in between where I do not. I've learned this does not mean that I love her any less, and it does not mean that I have forgotten her or "moved on". I will never do any of that. It just means that I am doing just what I need to be doing in order to live a life as a parent surviving one of her children. My love for Lilly has not subsided in the least and I will always go back and forth through the same emotions I have written about here for the rest of my life. I love her so much and miss her so much! No matter what emotion I am going through at the time, that will never change.
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