7 months since her birth

    Today marks the seventh month since Lilly's birthday and it has been the hardest yet. It started off with listening to a song in the car that set the waterworks a flowing. I walked into work unable to compose myself. Thank you to those that comforted me today, I really do appreciate it more than you know. Its nice not to have a reaction that makes me feel worse than I already am feeling. Its nice to know that even though to others enough time has passed for them to "move on" for me it has only been seven months and yes emphasis on the "only been" you see time seems to stand still when you are a grieving parent. Every moment, every step at a time is all I can live by these days, and can you blame me? Usually the weeks leading up to the 22nd and the 28th are the most difficult in the month, but I am back to mornings being so hard that I stay up late just to avoid them. Its like being punched in the stomach and when I wake up all the air is sucked out and I'm slowly trying to get it all back in.

    My tears today were strong, but they were happy tears. I felt Lilly with me this morning and that is truly a blessing and I love when I feel her close to me. Sometimes I feel she is so far away and the memories of her are somewhat starting to fade and so when I feel her, its just amazing and I savor every moment. There is such an elation when I feel her this close trying to send me messages saying I am still here mommy.

    I was reading a fellow blogger Jill's blog today dedicated to her babies Emma and Chase and in her post she was discussing how babies being saved and going home just makes her feel happy and I agreed with her. I think some people have a hard time understanding how I can be happy for those women that get to keep their babies while we lost Lilly.  

   This morning the song I was listening to that gave me the impression that Lilly was sending me a message was that yes this cross to bear is difficult and can be overbearing at times, but I can make it through this.  It made me feel I could in some way relate to the pain God felt as they crucified his son, and God knew this would happen though he sent Jesus to us anyway. This song put into perspective that my pain is nothing compared to that of our Lord or that of Jesus as he was nailed and crucified that fateful day.  Where Jeremy Camp sings of Jesus' disgrace it hit a chord as far as lots of grieving families feel forced to sweep their emotions under the rug because others can not bear to see them hurting.  Like its OUR fault they can not fix this.  The people that love and care for us want to help and sometimes get frustrated that they can not they end up unintentionally taking their frustrations out on us.  I have told others what I need from them, acceptance.  I have accepted that this is my cross to bear, and though painful at times, I bear it proudly.  I am not asking anyone to grieve along with me, I would not wish this pain on another living soul, just allow me to do that.  Allow me the right to cry for my daughter, allow me the right to be angry at times, bitter, even oversensitive.  It is enough sometimes to just do "normal" everyday tasks.  

    I just feel that when I am "strong" everyone is OK with me, but then when I am emotional others can not bear it, and that does me no good to have others treat me like I am a carrier of the plague.  I am not contagious and I am not a sickness.  My daughter's death is not a "disease" you can catch.

    There is no disgrace in Jesus' cross, the disgrace lies in that the people who crucified him for whatever reasons, out of fear and frustration at how he made them feel as individuals.  People "crucify" what they do not understand, that was not Jesus' fault.  People act like this is a choice for us, its not.  

   Please do not get me wrong, I am only saying I feel I can get a glimpse of the pain Our Father felt for Jesus.  His pain is infinite compared to my own as He feels for all His children.

  This Man lyrics

In only a moment truth
Was seen revealed this mystery
The crown that showed no dignity he wore
And the king was placed for all the world
To show disgrace but only beauty flowed from this place

Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands

He held the weight of impurity
The father would not see
The reasons had finally come to be to
Show the depth of his grace flowed with
Every sin erased he knew that this was
Why he came

Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands

And we just don't know the blood and
Water flowed and in it all
He showes just how much he cares
And the veil was torn so we could have
This open door and all these things have
Finally been complete

Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
From his hands
From his hands
From his hands
From his hands
From his hands

    I would like to end on a happier note after all my venting.  I have had a couple friends visit Lilly's grave site and I want to show my undying gratitude and appreciation to Alyson, Iris, Krista, Bobby, and kids for taking the time to stop by and visit and to let us know that you do. My mom also visited when she was last in town and she even bought yellow lilies for her.  I can not wait until Jim designs Lilly's marker so that we can have a vase so that I can start to put flower arrangements in.  He has not yet started, and that is OK.  We still buy her flowers, we just lay them down on her grave until the day we have a vase to put them in.  

   This post is pretty much all over the place tonight, as my emotions are most of the time, so for those of you who have chosen to read I appreciate that patience.  

She's more than just a "trial" a "tribulation" or a "bad day"

    I have had so much to write about, but the thoughts flow through my head and I am not in a position at those times to where I can actually sit and write them all down.  I've been irritated, sad, happy, frustrated, guilty, etc, about a lot that relates to grieving.  I write down the topics I want to write about, vent about, to get off my chest, but have yet to write or vent about them.  I need to make the time to do so because I feel it goes against my nature to not vent.  

    I guess I can start with one topic that is not necessarily bothering me today, but has been bothering me off and on since finding out Lilly's diagnosis and since she passed away.  I may have vented about this in the past, but I feel compelled to now, so that I do not let any animosity build inside of me.  Which today its not that's why I feel its fair to vent about this because I am not completely blinded by my animosity.  Though my bringing it up may cause me to feel angry again in regards to this topic.

    When I am having a good grieving moment I can take this in stride.  But when I am in my selfish grieving moment I just do not have the patience, nor the tolerance, for it.  And to be honest I don't want to, and selfishly I do not think I should have to.  That being said, please keep in mind, I am not trying to trivialize what anyone else is going through.  It is when this is said that I just feel like in my darkest moments I am expected to understand and feel better and rise above because others are going through their own trials and tribulations.  Are you kidding me?  My "trial" and "tribulation" (which by the way I dislike Lilly being referred to in that way) makes other people feel lucky in their lives or feel grateful that they are not me, they are not my kids, my husband, even Lilly.

    On my difficult grieving moments, I really do not want to hear "everyone has their own trials and tribulations they are going through, and not everyone thinks or reacts like you do" ok YES I agree people only know what they know and they can not even fathom what this feels like, I get it.  Just like I get the world keeps turning.  The thing is when I am crying because my daughter is dead, please do not tell me that other people have trials and tribulations in an attempt to help me to understand that we all have things we're dealing with.  It really frustrates me that anyone would try to compare the death of MY child to a "bad day".  And I have had "trials" and "tribulations" and "bad days" so I have been there and understand what people feel in those moments, this is beyond measure.  

   I have heard so many times that "we all have trials were going through".  Comparing my daughter's death to others "trials" to me is like devaluing the importance of her LIFE.  Its just frustrating.  I guess people are just trying to make me feel better and in their attempts they are failing in that moment and making me feel worse.  I usually just smile and nod when this is said to me.  I don't know what else to say, to me I feel it should be expected of me to have "moments' to be sad.  It is my right as a mother to grieve the loss of my child, however short lived her life.  Again this is just something that has come up on several occasions since losing Lilly.  I know that no disrespect is meant at all and I do appreciate the effort.  I am frustrated at times by it and I think that is OK.  I am not acting on it, just venting about it and understanding that the people who love me are not trying to hurt me by saying the wrong thing, but sometimes the wrong thing is said because really there are no RIGHT words. I accept that this is my life, that I will have my moments, good or difficult, whatever may come I just have to allow it, feel it, and I feel sometimes others have a harder time accepting this is my life and thats where things get said that leave me hurt and frustrated.  

Chuck Morley

  I wanted to recognize a dear friend today, her name is Cindy. Cindy's husband Chuck recently passed away and today marks one year to the date.  I wanted to acknowledge this date because I have come to know and love both Cindy and Chuck. I have been blessed with the chance to get to know Chuck through his wife Cindy.  I love hearing all about Chuck and the man he is and I will always remember him for.  I know him as a kind and loving man, with a big heart for everyone especially for his wife of 22 years, Cindy.  I think of both often and my heart goes out to Cindy on this day as I can only imagine how it is for her.  I want her to know that Chuck is not forgotten and he will always have a special place in my heart, thanks to her.  There are not enough words to express how deeply my life has been touched by both Chuck and Cindy. I want to thank Cindy for giving me the chance to get to know Chuck, I feel truly honored.

    Tonight was an emotional evening.  Again coming out of nowhere, but I needed to cry.  I wanted to cry.  I was singing a song to our middle two children and its a song I have been singing since before our youngest son was born called "You're Gonna Be" by Reba McEntire.  It was introduced to me by Alanna (thank you) and it really goes along with when I had our first born son.  I was 18 when I got pregnant, very young.  I replace the weight of the baby mentioned in the first line with our youngest sons weight every time I sing it.  I sing it at bedtime upon request and he requests it as "7lbs 3oz" so I sang it tonight and for some reason the words really hit me hard tonight.

"Sometimes life's not fair, but if you hang in there
You're gonna see that sometimes bad is good
You just have to believe, things work out like they should
Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me, You're Gonna Be"

Life is unfair, I have learned that throughout my experience
Sometimes "bad" is good.  Some people refer to losing Lilly as a "tragedy" or a "bad" thing that happened and I just think to them its bad, but to me its good. I can not associate the word "bad" with Lilly.  There was so much goodness surrounding her and so much love and no "bad"  The "bad" maybe is in it hurts a lot missing her.  But I know one day we will be reunited.  I can really say that fully believing it tonight.  I do believe things work out like they should, as they are meant to.  God has a plan and knows the way our lives will unfold before we are even a sparkle of hope in our parents' hearts.  "Life has no guarantees" ...it was never guaranteed how much time we were going to get with Lilly and we got so much more than we hoped for but never thought would actually come true.  And even before Lilly, there are no guarantees in life, there never were.  She will always be loved even though she was never guaranteed to be with us long.

I have been going back and forth through a lot of emotions this past 5/6 month mark.  There is so much I need to catch up on here, so that I write it all down.  So that I remember and can look back and know where I have been on my journey and where I am when I look back and read through.  I feel I have come a long way even in six months.  Not too too far, but baby steps is all I can manage sometimes.

I feel Lilly gave us a gift and we can not take that gift for granted again.  She gave me the gift of knowledge, and reminded me just how precious life here on earth really is.  How much we should cherish each other the good and the bad.  Most of all she brought us more love than we could have ever fathomed and could have ever hoped to know.

I feel it in each of the stories I read about other babies who have gone to join Our Lord.  It is unfortunate that we have to live our lives without our children, our babies, but they are not in an unfortunate place.  I feel that to be so true, and I felt if I had any doubt in that, it has been confirmed through my time with Lilly.

I believe each of our children bless us in different ways.  Our oldest daughter had to finish singing "Lilly's Song" (One More Day) because I was all choked up by the end of the second verse.  Some nights I get through it and then there are nights like this where I struggle through it and sometimes can not finish it.  She asked me "are you about to cry" and then she got up and gave me a hug.

The reason why I wanted to cry was because life often gets so busy that I wonder if I will cry again.  Crying makes me feel like I still care about Lilly and I will always care this much.  It gives me hope, that I have not "moved on".  I am so scared there will be a time where I will not cry for Lilly anymore, so when I cry it makes me feel good that I still do.  I want to miss her, because she is that important.  With the hustle and bustle of life I feel sometimes my grieving gets lost in it all, but when I cry as I did tonight, I am reminded I still carry it with me and it still affects me that much.

This may sound strange to anyone else who has not gone through this in that they may wonder why I want to cry, why I want to feel this way.  I want to mourn my daughter, I feel that is what is best for me.  I feel the minute I stop mourning her, I fear I will forget her.  She may have only been on this earth for 9 months in my belly and 6 days, 5 hours, and 30 minutes breathing our air, but she will be remembered for a lifetime.