My heart is heavy

    Today was a more difficult day than the last two have been and we have yet to meet up with the one year anniversary of Lilly's angel day on 2/28/2011.  I have not really allowed myself to go there yet as I do not feel quite ready for that.  I plan on packing up Lilly's stuff soon after passing the one year angel day anniversary.

    I am praying for a dear friend of mine and her daughter who is in the hospital today.  Her family has had a long and hard journey and I continue to pray for them as I have.  I wish I could go into more detail than that, but I can say is this family is very deserving of prayers. I feel guilty in that despite my grieving I only wish I could do more for them.

    It has been a rock hard sad day.  I went to work attempting to stay the whole day, but alas to no avail I left for the day.  I visited my friend whom I am praying for in the hospital and I hung out at home wishing to escape my thoughts and the pain of what this journey sometimes and most recently brings.  I felt like I took two steps back in the grieving department, but I know now that it is all a part of my grieving process.  In the beginning I allowed myself every tear and every depressive thought as well as every joy and every smile that emerged in life's journey as well as and especially when it involved reminiscing on the joys that were surrounding the time we spent with Lilly.  I found great need for comfort that I knew would never be enough.  I couldn't stay home, yet I couldn't go anywhere, I was frozen today.  I wanted to lay in bed close out the light and just close my eyes and escape away from all the aching.  I know tomorrow will be another day and we'll see where it leads me, but as for tonight...my heart is indeed heavy.

Happy First Birthday Lilly Elizabeth!

    Today my baby girl would have been a year old.  She should have been crawling and just about ready to start walking.  We should have been planning an elaborate birthday party...instead we took tokens of flowers and balloons to her graveside. Today also marks one year from the beginning of her 6 day miraculous life!  These thoughts kept floating through my head all day long.  The emotions are raw and at times heavy beyond belief.  This is a celebration of her life though and I will focus on that for today!

      I had asked Alanna & my SIL Sarah to wear corsages and they both chose to.  My oldest daughter and I also wore corsages in honor of Lilly's birthday!  I plan on doing this every year and both lovely ladies have chosen to join me in this tradition each year as well.

Mommy & Big Sister's corsages

Aunt Alanna's corsage

Aunt Sarah's corsage

"One lily for one year. Thinking of you on this special day. We love you." sent to us from my SIL, BIL & 3 nephews

1st Birthday cupcake, it was too windy to light at cemetery so we lit it at home and we sang happy birthday then kids blew out her candle.

Carnation picked out by oldest older brother, rose picked out by daddy. Our oldest son placed them on her marker  this way; had to take a picture of such a sweet gesture.

Balloons & flowers (from stuffed animal on is another baby's spot)

Gifts for Lilly

Front of card made by our eldest son

"Today is your birthday! you are one and you learn to cral. I hope this dream comes true" My son the writer.  He had us all sign it.

Cake from Ann, her daughter Alyssa and Lilly celebrate their birthdays on the same day.  I am honored to know both Ann and Alyssa.  She said she feels like each cake she picks is meant to be which is so true. Very neat because she pointed out that there are six butterflies on the cake, one for each day that Lilly lived and 3 butterflies surrounding Lilly's cake, one for each of her siblings.  Thank you so much Ann!   

This beautiful Lily is from Lisette whose daughter Sami shares Lilly's same diagnosis.  I have gotten to know her well am honored to know Sami through her mommy's words.  This Lily is beautiful and yellow and I love how she wrote Lilly Elizabeth's name on the petal.  Thank you so much Lisette.

    We hung out as a family, just enjoying one another, embracing and cherishing one another.  We miss Lilly everyday and our hearts break a little everyday.  We also reflected with family and friends the joys we experienced knowing her.

   I want to thank everyone for their birthday wishes to our darling Lilly, they were greatly appreciated and extremely touching.  Our hearts were overwhelmed with the joy of how many remembered her along side us.


 

Small But Mighty

   I'm going to be honest, I've been struggling a lot today.  Its been a day filled with off and on hard moments, and  I did not anticipate this day would affect me as much as it has.  Mostly it is because I am reminded that a year ago today was the last night that Lilly spent in my tummy and that has been really hard to swallow.

   I had celebrations planned for her first heavenly birthday and am going forth with most of them, but today I just lost motivation.  Then I thought how sad it is for me to lose motivation the day before a milestone which celebrates the LIFE of my child.  Its like everything I did today was a struggle.  Confusing even more is the  day started out fine, which is odd cause usually mornings are the hardest for me, but slowly as the day progressed it just got harder.

   Its weird, but today feels like the hardest grieving day I've ever had since Lilly passed away and it came on strong and without warning so I wasn't at all equipped to handle it.  Then again, I don't feel anything could prepare me for how I feel today.  For the shortest month in the year, it sure has been a long one.

   I do not really like feeling this way because mostly I feel that Lilly's life should be a celebration and her angel day should be a time of bittersweet joy. She is with God in heaven and is well taken care of.  So why do I feel sorry for myself?  I am not good at feeling this way...I'm still learning how to handle feeling so down like this.  I know it is normal, acceptable, valid, and healthy, but more importantly this wave of grief will eventually pass as it has before but while I am in it, I just feel so heavy.

    I anticipate tomorrow will be better being that Lilly beat the odds that were set against her by Dr's and their opinions as well as online studies, but most importantly she LIVED!  One of the Hospice volunteers called and it was an amazing conversation. We discussed how yes, parents are NOT supposed to bury their children, that is not considered to be "normal" but how death is a "normal" part of life and so in a way Lilly's existence is normal in the way that her life span included life (in utero, out here with us) & the unfortunately and ever infamous death.  What is not deemed "normal" is the amount of time that she lived being a newborn as opposed to my own time as an adult and her parent, which I would have traded in a heartbeat.

    She knew the best part of life; FRIENDSHIP, HOPE, but MOST importantly LOVE & now she knows everlasting LOVE! What more could a mother ask for?.

   Yes, I miss her dearly and that will never change.  I've learned so much from her and continue to see the ripples in which she has set in motion.  She may be small, but she is mighty!  I want to thank those of you who are thinking of our family and our baby girl Lilly as we approach our first year anniversaries.  It has not been an easy road and I imagine I will continue to learn to live with this pain of missing her, but also the joy of having known her.

 

Anticipation of anniversaries to come

   With Lilly's first heavenly birthday fast approaching I find that I have been on the same roller coaster of emotions as the day I started my journey of grieving.  I was set in what I planned, something private just me, Jim and the kids, a butterfly birthday cake I would attempt to make and frog cupcakes that our oldest son wanted to make for his dear sister.  I also plan on wearing a corsage along with a few women that I feel honored would want to participate in wearing.
 
    Today I found myself unmotivated to make the cake, just the cupcakes with the kids. The fact that Lilly was here on her birthday and lived those 9 months in utero and 6 amazing days 5 precious hours and 30 cherished minutes is such a blessing and makes me happy!  I think the procrastination of what I planned maybe is my way of thinking if I just keep putting it off then the day won't come.

    The one year mark came up so quickly and I guess a little part of me just was not ready for it.  I don't think its something I could prepare for no matter how many plans I made.  Its the first BIG anniversary of many with her Angel Day on the 28th, and Burial Day soon after on March 3rd.

    Earlier I felt that the reason it was so hard for me to plan anything and even implement my planning is because I feel that nothing I do will be adequate enough for Lilly.  I just want to honor her the best way that I can.  I think of her everyday every second as I do with all my children and my husband as well as my parents and loved ones....but I want these anniversaries to have significance because they matter.

   I also am thinking of my dear friend Ann and her daughter Alyssa as she shares the same birthday as Lilly..  She has walked this journey with me and as unfortunate the circumstances are that brought us together, I am grateful to know her and honored she would share Alyssa's life with me.

   For all those that are walking this journey, I thank you for allowing me to walk with you and I think of all of you daily.  There are so many wonderful people I have met and I am grateful to know.  My heart has been  touched by so many of you and I can never thank you enough.

   I know these next few weeks will be very emotional (in fact the whole month of February has been so much so already) and I find that I am glad that I was able to find an outlet for my grief and find so many that have helped comfort me throughout this past year.  I am so humbled by it all.

   I miss my dear Lilly and wish I could hug her and kiss her everyday.

Addition to last post:grieving in our own way

    I wanted to explicate a little on the quote I included in my last post and how it was in regards to how I feel about my grief.  It in no way means that I judge how anyone chooses to grieve. I've just had several instances in which individuals have tried to get me to stifle my grief because for them its easier to not talk about Lilly and their feelings on missing her, therefore I felt the quote that I had stumbled upon that day embodied how I felt about my grief.

    I am a firm believer in that we all must grieve our loved ones in what way fits us best. Whatever way we choose to grieve individually is best.  I want to be clear that I in no way judge others on how they choose to grieve.  I just was simply stating that the quote was perfect in describing how I am grieving.  I understand we all grieve in our own way, and I would not try to talk anyone out of the way they choose to grieve. It is in having those instances with certain individuals where I can not help but think how I would like the same respect in the way I choose to grieve my daughter.

   I apologize if I offended anyone in any way, for that was not my intention.  I should have thought farther ahead regarding the words in the quote.