Saturday, March 20, 2010

Bad Day

We took the kids bowling this morning. All the kids. Usually my husband takes the older two and I stay back with our 2 year old. Today we decided all of us should go. It was the first time I was around people who have not seen me since the last time I was up there; when I was still pregnant with Lilly. I woke up very sad this morning. Waking up is the hardest part of my day. Its like getting stabbed with a knife every morning as I am remembering that this all has happened. Its not a dream, and Lilly has passed. Mornings are usually hard on me but usually I can start breathing again. Today was not one of those days...which I have had days like this before since Lilly passed. It feels like its getting harder though. These are the days I actually have to make an effort where living is not easy and going on and doing daily tasks are not easy. I'm still having trouble eating regularly and sleeping regularly. What is that anyway, regularly? I'm lucky if I eat more than one meal a day. I eat enough but I should be eating three meals a day, especially cause I make sure my 3 living children are eating healthy. I do eat when I need to, I just don't feel hungry.

Anyway, bowling was fun and we had a birthday party to go to later this afternoon. And this was the first day I was asked "Where's the baby?" I did not think it as an inconsiderate question, today. She asked if I worked and I told her I did but I am on maternity leave. I opened the door really, not on purpose, but that's what I did by saying that. I wasn't offended, I really do enjoy telling people about Lilly. I love talking about her. Any chance I get I enjoy talking about her. I don't think some of my friends understand that or are uncomfortable. I think its too sad for them. Death is sad. Losing an infant, a baby is sad. Trust me I know first hand. People don't know what to say or are uncomfortable around me. It makes me feel like I'm the plague or the "elephant in the room" I'm still me, and I'm still a normal person just that I suffered a great loss. My family has, my friends have as well. Were lucky in that most of our family (that includes friends and coworkers) have been extremely supportive and are willing to listen to us talk about our daughter. Trust me that helps tremendously. I just want to thank everyone who has allowed us to tell Lilly's story and who have supported us through this. It is EXTREMELY hard today so I have to stop before I end up crying again. I'm suffering but its ok...I welcome the sadness cause its real and a reminder that Lilly is real and always will be.


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