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Thursday, March 25, 2010

Courage is being afraid, but going on anyhow-Dan Rather

Today the kids asked to go visit Lilly so that's what were doing later this afternoon. We visit her graveside often. My husband goes almost every day either before or after work. Were sad that another baby has already been buried next to Lilly. The one before Lilly was buried almost a year ago, that is sad too. Its always heartbreaking when another baby is lost to the world.
This week so far has been a rough one for me, it seems that the pain just gets stronger and stronger, more unbearable and overwhelming. I call these my bad days. I do have LOTS of good days but I have LOTS of bad days as well. I can laugh, but I still cry. This pain is a FOREVER pain and we will learn to live with it; to cope with as we've been told.
Yesterday while folding clothes, I found one of Lilly's many burp cloths she used, and the tears came again. It was in the clean clothes but it still has her smell. I placed it in the bottom of her bassinet for safe keeping. The contents of her bassinet have been left the way that they were the last time she laid in it.
I feel Lilly is always with us. I felt cold on the day she would have turned one month old (3/22/2010). I felt she was with me then. The day after she passed, my husband, who never gets cold was freezing all day. My mom told him that it was Lilly hugging him. I feel Lilly watches over us and I know she is happy and I imagine she is doing God's work. I am trying to live my life the way I feel God wants me to. I feel He is guiding me and I plan to follow. Just as I felt during our journey with our youngest daughter, Lilly. I'm not always sure what He wants from me or why though I feel He is ever present and working through me as He did with and through Lilly.
There was a time today where I felt very angry with one individual who I feel has abandoned us and just was here to be a part of our lives for a moment just to say she was a part of it. It angered me that our daughter meant so little to her. Though she seemed to have meant a great deal to her while she was alive here on earth. She has not been here for us now and was not during my pregnancy. I understand its sad and hard to be around us, unfortunately we have been on the other end of parents losing their child. But I ask that you imagine what its like to BE US and heartbroken.
Now, I feel that the anger and resentment towards her is a wasted emotion, and a waste of time, and I plan to with the help of My Lord not think twice about her again. The people who truly care are with us still, that's what matters. We have lost a few along the way, gained a few, and the constants who have remained; our bonds have grown stronger. That being said, I want to thank those who have supported and stood by us we've been so fortunate to have lots of support and we are ever grateful for that.
The bigger picture is we miss our dear daughter. She has given all of us more than we could have ever hoped for.

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