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Thursday, March 18, 2010

First day on my own

This is the first official day on my own since having given birth to Lilly. I'm taking it easy. I keep having to remember I did have major surgery less than 4 weeks ago. I figured that there was a reason I wasn't on my own until today. It kept working out for me to be around people. I guess that was all God's plans. I promise to update everyone on Lilly's story its just going to be a process. I have to take all the flowers I've saved and put them in a vase. They have been hanging upside down for a week to dry. And then my hubby and I need to go shopping for a shadow box. A friend of mine or even my hubby are going to help me put the shadow box together. I also plan on putting a scrap book together with the help of my friend who is amazing at scrap booking. Can't wait to go shopping for that. I feel like today is a day of reflection. I do plan on visiting Lilly today. This would be the first time on my own as well. We brought her flowers yesterday all five of us. And the kids left letters and pictures for Lilly. It's heartbreaking without her!! Its nice the kids are so into doing stuff for Lilly and are so excited to leave presents for Lilly..it helps but its bittersweet at the same time. This is a pain we will all feel forever. But I welcome the pain cause it means Lilly was here and also that we love her, treasure her, miss her, and will ALWAYS remember her.

Just wanted to add more to this post. I ended up meeting a friend for lunch and then headed to visit Lilly. I put a blanket on the ground and sat and prayed and that was the first time I was there by myself as well as the first time I really cried at the graveside since the funeral. I've visited since then just with my hubby or the kids so I haven't really had a chance to sit there and cry. It feels good to cry at the same time as it is sad. I'm allowing myself to go with how I feel. If I'm sad I'm sad if I'm happy I'm happy and so on. I then hung out for a little bit longer, before standing up. Its always hard to leave her. I know I can talk to her anytime I want and she's always with us and watching over us...but it still is hard to leave.

My hubby came up with an AWESOME idea. Turns out I bought a journal today for poems, songs, Lilly's story to be written in. And his suggestion was that instead of leaving papers at the graveside that we should have the kids draw their pictures, write their poems/stories/letters, to Lilly in a journal. We can have them read them or show their pictures and describe what's in the picture to her. They will love it I'm sure.

While I was at the bookstore I did look at grieving books for children. I plan on taking hubby with me and shopping for one that we both agree on. There's one called Tear Soup...its long and for all ages. I sat there drinking my coffee and reading most of it. Kind of was on the fence about whether to buy it or not. There were a couple other ones as well.

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