Today marks 4 months from the day that Lilly was born. She would have been 4 months today. Our 4th child would have been 4 months. I used to be afraid of the number 4, Lilly has changed all that. One word to describe today is bittersweet. There was a peace about today more than there has been, but at the same time it was different in that it affected me more than it usually does, if any of what I just wrote makes any sense.
My bracelet that is a matching set to Lilly's broke and fell of my wrist and I cried when that happened. It hit me harder than I thought it would even though I did not expect the bracelet to last forever. I also had a feeling it was going to break soon. I had not been taking it off only because I have to have someone else put it back on so I was cleaning with it on and showering with it on. I am also right handed and it is on my right wrist because my husband put Lilly's on her right wrist so I wanted it on the same wrist.
Good news about the bracelet is my dear friend and coworker Lee Ann is working on it, thank you so much Lee Ann. The bracelet is missing one of the smaller beads so it will be altered a little, but that is fine with me. Its almost like it represents me in that I've changed and grown through having Lilly and having been a mother in general. So many people have said I have grown and matured before their eyes and so the bracelet I feel is taking this journey with me as silly as that may sound.
It is hard sometimes thinking this is our life. I am taking my kids to visit their sister's graveside, and it just is painful for me to think of how they miss her and I can not take their pain away. Every moment is bittersweet as I know that I will never have moments like this with my dear Lilly.
The kids and I went to visit Lilly today and I always melt watching them love on their sister Lilly. They love her and talk about her everyday. They get excited about visiting her at the cemetery. She still has a temporary marker as my husband is still working on designing her marker but its a metal one and stands up and the kids kiss and hug it and they give her love you's (we sign I love you to each other) and they blow kisses up to the sky for her.
Our youngest son sat right next to her and said "I want to sit next to Lilly" and he sat close enough to reach her marker and he just leaned over to give it a kiss so sweet. As we were leaving he shouts (no joke) "Bye Lilly" twice. As we leave in our van they all say "bye Lilly" as always.
I can say that this 4 month anniversary since she was born has been the toughest on me in that I even was selfish and outraged today at a pregnant person when I have not felt that yet. I just got so angry and felt how unfair that there are mothers out there who would do anything to have children or who are mourning the loss of their children and yet here are mothers who don't want their children or cherish them and they keep being blessed with children. What I can say to this is God has a plan for everyone and that plan is not for me to question, but I did allow myself to do so today unfortunately. I even went so far as to say that I try to live my life right and be a good person and treat everyone with as much kindness as I can even when it is not reciprocated and my baby is no longer with me. And here is another person who is careless, reckless, and even selfish (so selfish) when it comes to her children and she gets to keep her babies. I haven't felt this way yet, but today I did.
I can also say that I do not regret having Lilly or being chosen as her mother. I would not trade Lilly for anything in the world. I may have been feeling resentful towards this person today but I would not trade my life for hers. Lilly is too precious to me, and nothing can take that from me. I won't let it.
I had several guardians watching me today and it felt great. Alanna as always was a great support today. Thank you for always listening to my MANY vents and for not judging me (even today when I was a little irrational, ok a lot irrational). It is very nice to have someone who has not gone through this be as patient and understanding with me as you have been. Thank you many times. To Deborah who just understood today, thank you for your understanding and support. You have been great to me as well. To the ladies who shall remain nameless who repeated to me "You're doing a good job" thank you so much for that, you have no idea how needed it is to hear that sometimes. I had an email from a friend I had been thinking about for awhile who thought of me today. Thank you Jennifer for that, I appreciate that more than you will ever know. You have also been a great support. I had another friend call and check on me and I will leave her name as L because I have not asked if I could use her name. She called just to say hi and she may not have realized what today signified but it meant a lot to hear from her.
To all you moms that I have befriended and unfortunately share this journey of grieving the loss of a child, I am so blessed to have met you all and I thank you for taking the time to read this blog and allowing me to get to know you through your own blogs.
This feeling today that I am feeling right now as I type is amazing, LOVE that was what Lilly was pure joy and LOVE. I will never forget that, she reminded me of so much. Anytime I feel this way it just makes me feel like the memories are not slipping away as much as I think they are.
I love my baby girl Lilly and I miss her so much!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
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I just love the way your bracelet has changed to represent the ways you have changed! I am sorry it broke but glad it can be fixed. I wished that it were as easy to fix our grief and longing. I just teared up reading about how your children show Lilly love. That is just beautiful! I have thought about you and prayed for you today. I know milestones are hard. Your post really blessed me tonight! Thank you for sharing! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry today was a so hard. I wish we lived closer so that I could be there with you and help you in some way. I think it is so sweet that you and Lilly have the matching bracelets. I am glad you were able to get it fixed.
ReplyDeleteYour other kids are so sweet. It's something that makes you smile but at the same time breaks your heart because you feel their love for her.
Thinking and praying for you and Lilly, big giant ((HUGS)).
I'm sorry today was so rough for you. It's hard to not go down that road of wondering why this happens to so many good people and others are blessed with healthy babies they will not care for. I usually wake up with a fresh set of emotions after I let it all out.
ReplyDeleteThat is so sweet the kiss from your son! And I too am thankful to the women I have met through this, since we have no choice but to go through this pain, it's nice to have other women to relate to.
I am so sad to hear that you are having a "down" day...this roller coaster doesnt seem to let up...what your children do for their sister is out of this world!!! what a blessing to have the same bracelet as she has...it is really precious....the 4 month mark for me is so hard for some reason, but many have reached out to me (veterans) and have said months 4 and 5 were very hard, its when the letters, emails, thoughts stop coming in and the world around us has moved on and they expect us to be over it....we suffered the greatest tragedy a mother can suffer...and no amount of time can be said to when it eases up...embrace the good and bad days...as they will both come unexpectedly....this week for me seems hard with fathers day, her 4 months mark, and my test results tomorrow....please pray for good ones...I have Alyssa and her besties on my side so i feel safe, but still scared...xoxoxo
ReplyDeletePraying for you today! I think that is so special that you and Lilly have matching bracelets. I am glad that someone can fix it for you. Your children sound so sweet. I am glad that they visit Lilly's grave with you and love their sister like that. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteIt makes me so happy to know Lilly's siblings love her so much (at the same time, it breaks my heart). The 4 month mark seemed hard. People start to worry less about you and expect that you're moving on. It's definitely not the case. Happy 4 months in heaven to your sweet Lilly, all the love you felt...was her. :)
ReplyDeleteI haven't talked to you in a while but please know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers. I went to see Lilly yesterday after I got my haircut. Just told her hello and that I miss and love her! If you need anything, I am only a phone call away!!
ReplyDeleteKrista
Your words were so precious...I can imagine how your heart broke when the bracelet broke...and yet, what a beautiful perspective on the alteration of it.
ReplyDeleteBless your sweet little ones' love for their sister. How priceless their love for her is and how it will shape their compassion in their own lives.
4-5 months was just heartbreaking for me...and not sure what it was. Maybe just reality.
Lifting you in prayer!!
xoxo
A happy 4 month birthday Lilly ♥
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry your bracelet broke but glad you have a friend that can fix it for you. I'm sure it is a cherished item!!
They say months 4-6 can be some of the toughest. Month 6 for me was def a rough one. So if it feels like thinks are taking a step back, it's ok. Just take it as it comes. (((hug)))