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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

4 month mark #1

    Today marks 4 months from the day that Lilly was born.  She would have been 4 months today.  Our 4th child would have been 4 months.  I used to be afraid of the number 4, Lilly has changed all that.  One word to describe today is bittersweet.  There was a peace about today more than there has been, but at the same time it was different in that it affected me more than it usually does, if any of what I just wrote makes any sense.

    My bracelet that is a matching set to Lilly's broke and fell of my wrist and I cried when that happened.  It hit me harder than I thought it would even though I did not expect the bracelet to last forever.  I also had a feeling it was going to break soon.  I had not been taking it off only because I have to have someone else put it back on so I was cleaning with it on and showering with it on.  I am also right handed and it is on my right wrist because my husband put Lilly's on her right wrist so I wanted it on the same wrist.

    Good news about the bracelet is my dear friend and coworker Lee Ann is working on it, thank you so much Lee Ann.  The bracelet is missing one of the smaller beads so it will be altered a little, but that is fine with me.  Its almost like it represents me in that I've changed and grown through having Lilly and having been a mother in general.  So many people have said I have grown and matured before their eyes and so the bracelet I feel is taking this journey with me as silly as that may sound.

    It is hard sometimes thinking this is our life.  I am taking my kids to visit their sister's graveside, and it just is painful for me to think of how they miss her and I can not take their pain away.  Every moment is bittersweet as I know that I will never have moments like this with my dear Lilly.

    The kids and I went to visit Lilly today and I always melt watching them love on their sister Lilly.  They love her and talk about her everyday.  They get excited about visiting her at the cemetery.  She still has a temporary marker as my husband is still working on designing her marker but its a metal one and stands up and the kids kiss and hug it and they give her love you's (we sign I love you to each other) and they blow kisses up to the sky for her.

    Our youngest son sat right next to her and said "I want to sit next to Lilly" and he sat close enough to reach her marker and he just leaned over to give it a kiss so sweet.  As we were leaving he shouts (no joke) "Bye Lilly" twice.  As we leave in our van they all say "bye Lilly" as always.

    I can say that this 4 month anniversary since she was born has been the toughest on me in that I even was selfish and outraged today at a pregnant person when I have not felt that yet.  I just got so angry and felt how unfair that there are mothers out there who would do anything to have children or who are mourning the loss of their children and yet here are mothers who don't want their children or cherish them and they keep being blessed with children.  What I can say to this is God has a plan for everyone and that plan is not for me to question, but I did allow myself to do so today unfortunately.  I even went so far as to say that I try to live my life right and be a good person and treat everyone with as much kindness as I can even when it is not reciprocated and my baby is no longer with me.  And here is another person who is careless, reckless, and even selfish (so selfish) when it comes to her children and she gets to keep her babies.  I haven't felt this way yet, but today I did.

    I can also say that I do not regret having Lilly or being chosen as her mother.  I would not trade Lilly for anything in the world.  I may have been feeling resentful towards this person today but I would not trade my life for hers.  Lilly is too precious to me, and nothing can take that from me.  I won't let it.

    I had several guardians watching me today and it felt great.  Alanna as always was a great support today.  Thank you for always listening to my MANY vents and for not judging me (even today when I was a little irrational, ok a lot irrational).  It is very nice to have someone who has not gone through this be as patient and understanding with me as you have been.  Thank you many times.  To Deborah who just understood today, thank you for your understanding and support.  You have been great to me as well.  To the ladies who shall remain nameless who repeated to me "You're doing a good job" thank you so much for that, you have no idea how needed it is to hear that sometimes.  I had an email from a friend I had been thinking about for awhile who thought of me today.  Thank you Jennifer for that, I appreciate that more than you will ever know.  You have also been a great support.  I had another friend call and check on me and I will leave her name as L because I have not asked if I could use her name.  She called just to say hi and she may not have realized what today signified but it meant a lot to hear from her.

    To all you moms that I have befriended and unfortunately share this journey of grieving the loss of a child, I am so blessed to have met you all and I thank you for taking the time to read this blog and allowing me to get to know you through your own blogs.

    This feeling today that I am feeling right now as I type is amazing, LOVE that was what Lilly was pure joy and LOVE.  I will never forget that, she reminded me of so much.  Anytime I feel this way it just makes me feel like the memories are not slipping away as much as I think they are.

    I love my baby girl Lilly and I miss her so much!

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