Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Uncomfortable and Vulnerable

    I feel weird today, I guess you could say I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.  Mix in grieving the loss of Lilly, feeling like I am an outsider in the world around me,  add in everyday life stresses and you maybe have an idea of how out of place and anxious I feel in this moment.   I have always felt comfortable being me whether I fit in or not.  I have rarely felt like this, but when I do, I feel it hard and fast.  And just as quickly as it comes, it goes.
    Right after Lilly passed away, I did not care in the least what people thought of me, even when they expressed their opinions on how I was grieving or how they thought I would be grieving for the rest of my life.  I miss that feeling, it was a feeling of freedom.   I hate to admit it, but lately (as you can probably tell from my previous posts) I have cared, and far too much more that it pains me to admit.

    I know that I can not change people's opinions, just as I am not willing to change my own convictions.  I have to let go and understand and extend that same courtesy to others especially if I expect it in return.  And I should do this not because I should get anything in return, but because how can I ask for something I myself am not willing to put out there?  It will NOT be easy, and I will fail at times, this I know, but I prayed REALLY hard to God last night that He would grant me the words to express when dealing with these opinions and comments that seem to in the last month wound me so deeply.

    I would like to handle them with compassion, understanding, patience, and most importantly kindness.  Don't get me wrong, if I need to I will be assertive which is not cruel, but I would prefer to not have to reach that point.  The thing is I just do not feel I need to justify myself to anyone anymore.  Its exhausting, I am to the point today where I am thinking let them have their opinions.  I do not need to desperately prove my point anymore.  Someone has to bend, and has to agree to disagree or it just becomes a vicious cycle.

    There will always be someone making an insensitive comment, there will always be ignorance in this world and I do not mean "ignorance" in a derogatory way.  I was ignorant of these emotions because I did not know what they felt like and now that I know my blinders are off and I can fully understand the terms "Ignorance is bliss".  I would not trade having Lilly for the world it is just VERY painful for a parent to survive their child/children.

       I am also not used to being on the receiving end of comfort and feeling vulnerable among others, as I have always prded myself on being there for others and taking care of myself.  I have had to learn fast and hard how to be on the receiving end.  Sometimes I feel defensive, other times I feel very comforted.  Only when the comfort comes from other moms who have gone through this do I always feel comforted and not uncomfortable with feeling so vulnerable.   I am learning to allow myself to feel vulnerable to the world around me.



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