I feel weird today, I guess you could say I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Mix in grieving the loss of Lilly, feeling like I am an outsider in the world around me, add in everyday life stresses and you maybe have an idea of how out of place and anxious I feel in this moment. I have always felt comfortable being me whether I fit in or not. I have rarely felt like this, but when I do, I feel it hard and fast. And just as quickly as it comes, it goes.
Right after Lilly passed away, I did not care in the least what people thought of me, even when they expressed their opinions on how I was grieving or how they thought I would be grieving for the rest of my life. I miss that feeling, it was a feeling of freedom. I hate to admit it, but lately (as you can probably tell from my previous posts) I have cared, and far too much more that it pains me to admit.
I know that I can not change people's opinions, just as I am not willing to change my own convictions. I have to let go and understand and extend that same courtesy to others especially if I expect it in return. And I should do this not because I should get anything in return, but because how can I ask for something I myself am not willing to put out there? It will NOT be easy, and I will fail at times, this I know, but I prayed REALLY hard to God last night that He would grant me the words to express when dealing with these opinions and comments that seem to in the last month wound me so deeply.
I would like to handle them with compassion, understanding, patience, and most importantly kindness. Don't get me wrong, if I need to I will be assertive which is not cruel, but I would prefer to not have to reach that point. The thing is I just do not feel I need to justify myself to anyone anymore. Its exhausting, I am to the point today where I am thinking let them have their opinions. I do not need to desperately prove my point anymore. Someone has to bend, and has to agree to disagree or it just becomes a vicious cycle.
There will always be someone making an insensitive comment, there will always be ignorance in this world and I do not mean "ignorance" in a derogatory way. I was ignorant of these emotions because I did not know what they felt like and now that I know my blinders are off and I can fully understand the terms "Ignorance is bliss". I would not trade having Lilly for the world it is just VERY painful for a parent to survive their child/children.
I am also not used to being on the receiving end of comfort and feeling vulnerable among others, as I have always prded myself on being there for others and taking care of myself. I have had to learn fast and hard how to be on the receiving end. Sometimes I feel defensive, other times I feel very comforted. Only when the comfort comes from other moms who have gone through this do I always feel comforted and not uncomfortable with feeling so vulnerable. I am learning to allow myself to feel vulnerable to the world around me.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
LinkWithin
I can relate on being the one who takes care of yourself and everyone else. Through this I have learned to give up control (to a certain extent)! Give it over to God and he will take care of you! We will all get through this together, even if we never meet eachother face to face :)
ReplyDeleteI really hate the struggles that go along with this journey! Sometimes it is just to overwhelming! Praying hard for you tonight that God would give you peace and comfort! I am so sorry that there are those who would have you put your grieving aside for their comfort. It is just not right. Eventually those people will come to terms with the fact that this is a LIFELONG process, not just a couple or a few months. I also am sorry that there is so much distance that separates all of us BLM's. It would be nice just to take the kiddos to the park and vent, cry, laugh, or whatever we all need at the time. Just know that we are here. And when life overwhelms, know that God is there. Love and hugs!
ReplyDeleteI understand completely what you mean...i say sometimes it would be nice to be back at the first weeks...and ill stop quickly and think Ann are you crazy?? those were the worst of days, and then i realize why it easier then, we can do and say and feel what we want and are some what understood...now we are expected to be at levels that are just impossible at the moment...but we still need to grieve regardless...so maybe giving in can be easier...but I would hope what ever you chose to do with these "people" that it is something that will bring you some peace....peace is what you really deserve after such a tragedy...i wish that others would just understand that..((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI understand. Hearing people say things to you that might be hurtful plain hurts & it's hard to just take them all with a grain of salt and not let it bother you. It's hard to feel so vunerable and I hate that we are constantly worrying about other people's feelings. It almost bothers me that I care so much about them. What about me? What about us? In the end, we're the ones who are hurting the most. I hope you can find some more peaceful days ahead and I hope that people will start to say comforting things, rather than things that only hurt. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteWe should never have to justify any of our actions to anybody. And nobody has any idea what it's really like until they are there. You just can't know.
ReplyDeleteI have learned to just not care, I don't feel like I need to justify my grief to anyone. It is hard because that was not me before but then again I have realized that person is gone forever. I am no longer blind to this reality, I am sorry that you have to go through this too. We just really have to believe that there is a purpose in all this pain. You and Lilly hold a special place in my heart, ((HUGS))
ReplyDelete